Music Monday

I used to teach in a Christian facility so I’m not new to the lyrics of Mercy Me. However, I recently found out this is one of PC’s favorite songs. I didn’t know he knew any of their music. What a pleasant surprise.

Much Love To All!

Jewish and Childless on Passover

The holidays are the worst for an infertile woman. Some holidays are harder to push through than others but they all kinda suck in some way or another. Although I do not practice the Jewish religion, it is my ancestry and my family was raised practicing. I acknowledge all holidays and used to call my grandparents during each one but they are no longer alive. It’s my race not my religion. Today at sundown begins Passover.

This religion is practically based on traditions. And what are traditions for? Passing down. And who do you pass them down to? Children. So what does a Jewish girl do on this holiday if her Jewish family is no longer around to celebrate with and she has no children to pass these things on to?

Well, she cries a little. She cries because this is just another part of her dream that was crushed with the diagnosis of infertility. She had dreams of teaching her kids about the Jewish religion. Dreams of sharing her unique family structure and showing them the importance of tolerance, acceptance and love. She would have taken them to their grandparents’ house to hear Nana talk about what it was like to grow up in an orthodox household, to only speak Hebrew at home and how to make all the traditional foods.

Then she turns to the internet for comfort and finds this story…

Rabbi Berel Wein, noted scholar and Jewish historian, tells this story, which he heard from Rabbi Moshe Pardo himself. Pardo has since passed away.

Moshe Pardo was a wealthy Jew in Turkey, and he owned many businesses and properties. He also had a number of orchards in Israel near the town of Bnei Brak, before Bnei Brak became the city it is today.

He had just one daughter. A few weeks before his daughter’s wedding, she contracted meningitis and died. Moshe Pardo was heartbroken.

Seeking solace and advice, Pardo visited the Chazon Ish (Rabbi Abraham Yishayahu Karelitz), one of the leading rabbis and arbiters of the 20th century.

The Chazon Ish was himself childless his entire life. Pardo told the Chazon Ish the story of his daughter. He then said, “I want to die, too.”

The Chazon Ish told Pardo that it is forbidden for a believing Jew to think like that. Then, the Chazon Ish told him, “I’ll tell you what. You give up your business, Pardo. And you make a school for Sephardic girls, because you see what’s happening here, the Sephardim are being destroyed. You make a school for Sephardic girls here in Bnei Brak; take some of your orchards and start. And I promise you hundreds of children and thousands of grandchildren.”

Pardo took the Chazon Ish’s advice and founded Or Hachaim Seminary in Bnei Brak in 1952. For girls from kindergarten age up to high school, the school serves children from disadvantaged homes, girls who would find themselves on the street otherwise, and gives them a chance to have a livelihood. The school also helps make shiduchim, or matches, so they could marry.

Or Hachaim Seminary in Bnei Brak still exists today, serving 1,500 students.

On the day Moshe Pardo told this story to Rabbi Wein and his wife, Pardo pulled out a notebook. In this notebook, he had recorded the name of every girl who ever went to the school, what happened to her, and how many children she had.

On that day, he told Rabbi Wein, his 4,000th grandchild was born.

Not only did she find this story inspiring but she also recognized herself in every word. As a former teacher she could relate to the way the Rabbi seems to feel about his students. She treated them as if they were her own. She is reminded of the reason she loved teaching so much!

Maybe teaching again isn’t such a bad idea. She feels like it would be too difficult to be around that many kiddos all day. But…What if it turned out to be more rewarding than painful? She does miss helping children. I think she should reconsider her decision to never work with kids again.

Maybe she should reconsider.

Maybe I will…

Much Love To All!

“I’m sorry, WHO is in WHAT now?”

Did you notice my title was in my best Monica Geller voice? No? That’s alright. I’m not good at impressions. Anyhow, I have avoided the subject of infertility for many, many posts now. Lately, I have written about my gallbladder surgery. Today is the first day since that surgery that I have felt good. I was in the ER Sunday night and I think I have figured out another one of my health mysteries. I am confident we are on the right track now to a happier and healthier me. I woke this morning optimistic about that and feeling good. And then…

My uncle called to let me know his grand-daughter went into labor this morning! Yes, his grand-daughter! I thought I had blogged about the announcement. I even went through my posts so I could reference the situation instead of explaining it in this one but I couldn’t find it. So the short story is…

My (male) cousin, one year younger than I am, started his family early. I do not know how old he was when he had his first child but he now has 4 children. His oldest daughter whom I believe is 15 yrs old, announced she was pregnant last year. And she is now in labor.

That means my cousin, again one year younger than myself, is now a grandpa! He is a grandpa in his 30’s! And by blood, not by marriage. My step mom was a grandma  in her 30’s but that is an example of “by marriage”. She married an older man, my father, so when her 20 something year old step-daughter (my sister) gave birth, she became a grandma. Why is that better? I haven’t the slightest idea. Not even sure why I just explained all that…. Back to the topic here.

My younger cousin is a parent and today becomes a grand parent.

What a kick in the infertile crotch!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t deny the fact that this new mother’s age is a huge factor of stress for me!!! She is a freaking child! And the family is excited about this! Everyone is excited when a new baby is about to be born. Yeah I get that but is anyone actually thinking about this baby?????? No way! I do not mean to be insensitive or harsh here but this is my family so  I think I have the right speak sort of speak freely here…..What kind of life is this baby going to have???? This part of the family is made up of under educated, poverty level citizens excited about a teenager having a baby and trying to raise this child against all odds! My heart breaks for every woman out there sitting in an empty nursery just waiting for the adoption agency to call, or the fertility clinic to call with good news. My heart breaks for this teenager who has no idea what she is about to experience because the adults in her life are too busy being excited about baby to be truly helpful. I am confident no one has encouraged her to finish school, no one has talked to her about the importance of BC, and no one has the financial means to step in when she is going to need help! I know she could handle this with the right tools and support. I have seen it happen! And in that situation the “baby” is now 18 yrs old. She is responsible, smart, gorgeous and headed to college!!! So yeah, I know it is possible for a teen to raise a child. But does SHE know that? She is blind to the difficulties she is about to face. She can’t see the obstacles through the cloud of celebration. So what are her odds?

My heart breaks for baby.

Right now my heart just breaks.

My soul has tried to enjoy the break from talking about my IF. The daily reminders are still there but I had no choice but to focus on my other health issues. So I thank the universe for the break. But today I feel like the same broken-hearted girl who started this blog. Sad, confused and wondering why. Do I even have the right to be sad anymore? PC and I decided not to pursue fertility treatments. So we are not actively TTC. Maybe I don’t have the right to be sad about this. But I am.

I pray for the family. I pray for the baby. I pray for the strength to be excited about an announcement one day. I pray.

Much Love To All

Gallbladder Update

Well on Monday, the day of surgery, I was a rock star!! Probably thanks to the rock star meds I was still on from the hospital. Tuesday…I was no rock star. Wednesday either. Today I am feeling slightly better and slightly more alert.

Things I can NOT do until I am healed….

• cough
• sneeze
• yawn…yes, you wouldn’t believe how many abdominal muscles you can use when yawning!
• LAUGH. I am the girl that laughs, or finds humor, at the most inappropriate times! This is an inappropriate time!!!  Something on TV was funny and I giggled. Giggle turned into laughter. And once I started laughing it was close to impossible for me to stop! So I simultaneously laughed, held my tummy, tried to breathe, cried alligator tears and screamed out for PC to “turn it off!!!!” (I didn’t think I had to worry about this because I was watching an old sad episode of Grey’s Anatomy!).  It was hilarious and tragic all at the same time!

I am still waiting to notice the full effects of having this gallbladder removed. So far, I can tell my digestion is different. Although, different is the only adjective I have at this point because I am still on a cautionary diet. I no longer feel pain  in my upper abdomen after eating. I haven’t suffered from acid reflux yet either. Once I begin eating more solid foods again, I am sure I will notice more benefits than I do now.

The one difference I was not expecting…MY SKIN!! Oh heaven’s, my face! It feels amazing! I know this sounds silly to most but the difference in my skin is undeniable! Before surgery I felt like applying lotion after my shower was not an option. My face was so dry, rough, bumpy, red and more. So lotion was my answer. I tried all kinds, no fragrance…etc. However, when I applied lotion to my face, it never soaked into my skin. It think it just sat on top and dried up, only to peel off later. Most of the time it actually burned when I applied the lotion and my face turned more red than it already was! I was considering a trip to my dermatologist soon. You know, after the gallbladder and IF stuff were taken care of. But I haven’t applied lotion to my face once since surgery!!! Not once! I haven’t felt the need. My face is soft, my skin is pink not red, and it doesn’t feel dry at all. Lotion is an option now!!! I will still use it of course, but it feels so good to know it is just an option….

Hopefully I will notice more benefits with time and healing but so far I am pleased.

And although this surgery was scary for me, I still feel like a rock star. I think I have handled it well.

Thank you all for your kind words and support along the way.

Much Love To All!

The adventures of gallbladder removal

My surgery was this morning and boy was it eventful. I should write a biography, it would be very entertaining for sure! There are always complications for me. Small or big, if it happens to me, it does not happen like it does for others.

During my pre-op this morning the nurse started my IV. Well she sure tried to anyways. Bless her little heart, she blew my vein and it hurt like a mofo! She knew she messed up. It was all over her face, and my arm, the bed and the floor, if I’m being honest. She was very professional about it though. Never once did she try to lie about it, hide it, or make excuses. She applied pressure (a whole lot of painful pressure) to get the air bubbles out as to minimize the damage done. When I nervously asked if she was going to try again in the same hand. She replied “Oh sweetie, I’m not going to try again at all. I will go get you another nurse and she will use your other hand. I will tend to this one and observe. I will be right back.”. I was relieved but I felt so bad for her. I asked her to still be my nurse. Did I mention the emergency alarm was going off during this entire process????? Blinking lights, alarm sounding everywhere and an encouraging message echoing from the intercom saying something to the effect of “There is an emergency. Please evacuate immediately.”  This did not help my nerves at all, to say the least. I later learned it was a fire alarm. After that incident was all over, one of the nurses that was scheduled to be in my surgery with me wasn’t happy with my answer to his “Are you pregnant or could you be” question. I told him I suffered from IF and that I just had a cycle this past Thursday. But I still have all the necessary parts to create life. So with both arms limited, carrying my IV bag and holding my robe closed in the back, I had to sneak to the restroom to pee in a cup for him to prove I was not pregnant. That’s how the surgery started. Yes, that was just the beginning.

I don’t remember much else about the surgery. I did vomit while coming to but I hear that is pretty normal. I have been resting at home comfortably since being released. I’m in a little pain but not as much as I thought I would be. PC took the whole week off. Originally for vacation so hopefully I feel better soon so we can do something fun before he goes back to work. He has taken such great care of me. Sometimes I fear I don’t deserve such an amazing man.

The part of today that truly helped me was my dad showed up. He took the day off of work and everything. For the past few years I have had this overwhelming feeling that my circle sucks. That the people around me say nice things but when push comes to shove they aren’t really on my side. They don’t mean what they say, aren’t there for me and NEVER stick up for me when I am struggling to stick up for myself. I am used to being kicked while I’m down and unfortunately, the people that have been kicking me for the past few years have been my closest family and friends. And then the man that started the “kicking” in my life when I was a child, takes the day off of work to be there for my first surgery. This man had to limp into the hospital today and shake the doctor’s hand with a splint on his right arm because of the stroke he just suffered from on December 1st of last year. He can’t afford to miss work right now. And he probably couldn’t afford the gas money to drive across town. But he did. And for him this wasn’t my first surgery. He was there when I was 2 months old and required a very weird/uncommon surgery to remove 2 inches of muscle from my neck. He was the one wrapping and re-wrapping the dressings on my infant neck as well as performing the painful neck exercises that were required for my recovery. Having my dad there today reminded me of the good times, his good side. Before my father turned into…uh….a different person. It was so nice to have my daddy back, even just for a couple hours. This is the father neither of my sister’s have ever met because he was different by the time they were born. I have missed him so much. I know he is still in there somewhere. I cherish the moments when I get a reminder like I did today. To my sisters, this is the only father they have ever known. But for me, I lived with a great father, then grieved the loss of that person, and learned to live with the father he became. For that reason, today was heartbreaking, scary, moving, and surprisingly encouraging all at the same time. I have a little of my hope back. I’m not even sure why, but I do.

Who knew gallbladder removal would be so emotional?

Now if I could just get past this insomnia….

Much Love To All!

Pi day is here!

Just a little geek humor to get your weekend started! PC and I haven’t decided how we will be celebrating Pi day but we have to do something….

Hehe

Much Love To All!

I love her so much but…….

Why does it seem that every time I feel like I’m taking steps forward it comes with some massive baggage?? Take my upcoming surgery for example. I am nervous but very excited to finally take care of one of my health problems, for good! But…..

My mom wants to be there!

I think it’s list time. I know I rely on list making a lot but they help me make sense of my thoughts and usually help me make a decision as well. I’m sorry if they annoy any of my readers.

“My mom being there” Pro’s

1. She is a great support.
2. She could pick up a little slack so PC doesn’t feel like he’s responsible for everything
3. She would keep PC company while I’m in surgery or sleeping…
4. This may not make sense to a lot of people but I am not my mom’s child. I am her parent. That is our relationship dynamic. And also the topic of 95% of my therapy sessions. I have taken care of her since I was about 8 years old. My childhood was not normal at all and I was forced to grow up very quickly. I resent that sometimes but I think I would be lost without it. She feels like she owes me for all the things I have done for her over the years. I don’t see it that way but I know she does. Therefore, I know how good it would feel to her to have the opportunity to take care of me instead the other way around. She would love to play mommy again to her first born baby. So basically instead of this whole paragraph I could have just said It would make her very, very happy for me to need her!

“My mom being there” Con’s

1. There won’t be enough time to go get her Monday morning (surgery day), so that means my mom will be spending the night with us Sunday night. Not only do PC and I live in a small one bedroom apartment but….
2. Sunday is our anniversary! So PC and I will be spending our anniversary driving to pick up, driving all the way home and spending the night with, my mother.
3. I know I’m mentioning our anniversary a lot but, thanks to my tacky ass, spiteful sister, that day is more significant and important to us than it ever has been. PC and I have been celebrating this exact same date for 19 years! It’s not just our wedding anniversary. It’s the day we started dating, the day PC proposed, the day we got married AND the day we got re-married! (and yes my sister was aware of all of that when she decided to get married on this same date last year)
4. The down side to #4 on the Pro’s list up there. Having her around is like have a child around. I have to spend a lot of my mental energy (and physical) on her needs. “I’m dizzy and weak but I have to help her up these stairs. PC can’t do it, he’s carrying all her bags and her dog”, “I can’t let her stand in the kitchen and cook. Her back is killing her right now even though she says it’s not”, “PC, can you please go stand in the kitchen with her, her leg is about 30 seconds away from going numb which means she is about to fall, and she won’t let me help!”, “I need to get the bed rails out of the closet because she falls off the bed”, “Is there an open outlet for her CPAP? She can’t sleep without it.”, “What if she has a seizure? What if I’m not around? Does PC know what to do?”….See??? That doesn’t sound like fun.. It sounds like unneccessary worry and responsibility!
5. If I don’t go get her, she will ask my sister to bring her. In case you haven’t noticed, I do not care to see my sister. Ever again! Her voice makes me nauseous. And if my sister brings mom, I know it won’t be for the right reason. She won’t just be trying to help. She always has an angle. But that means I will be spending my time trying to figure out her damn angle so my mom doesn’t end up hurt, like usual.
6. If #5 happens I will be spending my recovery time “picking up the pieces” of whatever drama my sister’s angle has caused. Although in all fairness, the drama might be as simple as my sister asking mom for gas money (which my very gullible mom will fall for) leaving PC and I helping mom out financially for the rest of the month, even though we are still trying to save for a house and the move.
7. Just thinking about all of this is stressful. Which is not good when the illness I’m fighting is induced by stress!!!!!!
8. It would break my mom’s heart if she isn’t there.

Well it looks like there are more con’s than pro’s. But I feel really horrible about the con’s. And I didn’t come to a conclusion. I guess I still have some time to decide but I don’t like to leave things undone. I like to have a plan. I rely on having a plan. Especially if I decide not to go get her, I have to plan on how to tell my mom without breaking her heart. I’m exhausting myself so if you made it this far, thanks for hanging in there champ!

Much Love To All!

Health Update

My gallbladder removal surgery is scheduled for Monday March 23rd. I am nervous but I’m trying to keep my eye on the prize…feeling better! I have one more week with this heart monitor. I don’t mind it so much. Although, whoever claims these electrodes (and the adhesives) can be removed with “a little soap and warm water” is a big fat liar! Even in the shower, that part is painful. I will get the results from the cardio on the 17th. If all goes well with that, the surgery is a go. Here is a short list of my surgery pros and cons..

Pros:

•  Feeling better!!!!
• hopefully less symptoms
• after recovery I hope to be able to have a real meal rather than a lifetime of snacking
• I hope my panic/anxiety episodes go away so I can start leaving my house on a regular basis again
• I’m also hoping this tightness in my chest goes away and stays away
• My hot flashes are likely to disappear also
• I will have accomplished one of my 3 surgeries for the year
• It will take my mind off this horrible house hunting journey
• It will take my mind off my sis…lots of stressful things
• PC is an amazing caregiver when I am sick 🙂

Cons:

• It’s surgery!
• If the past is any indication, I will be that 1% of patients that suffer from complications (most likely the rarest ones)
• I’m scared
• It is scheduled for the day after our anniversary.
• My “pro’s” list includes a lot of hoping. I am worried this surgery doesn’t help as much as my doctor thinks it will
• Did I mention I’m scared?

I do feel bad about the surgery being so close to our anniversary. On the other hand, I won’t be the only one happy I’m feeling better…I’m sure PC is getting tired of taking care of me. Plus, I still hold a whole lot of bitterness about my sister (my enemy) getting married on my anniversary last year. So I will be grateful to have something to keep my mind off of that. Last year during their wedding, PC and I went on an amazing vacation. We drove out of state so we could be as far away from the drama as possible. This year I was sure we would have found a house by now and that would help keep my mind off it. Since that hasn’t happened yet, I guess all I have is this stupid surgery. Maybe after this surgery, I can get back to the fantabulous infertility mystery.

This is all about perspective. I will keep my faith. This surgery will be successful. I will experience relief from most of my current symptoms. I have nothing to worry about.

Music Monday

I know this song is everywhere and it probably getting totally over played on the radio but I just can’t get enough of it! This might be my favorite cover of this song so far! I wonder if I can get PC to sport that hat? I wouldn’t mind that at all…

I have this crazy fascination with the dancing elderly. How cute is that? I love to see that music remains in the soul even if your body can’t move like it used to. It reminds me that we are not that different from one another. Age, physical abilities, race, religion…none of that matters. Music can unite all of us. If only everyone saw it that way..

Much Love To All!

I will treat them like a child!

We have all been there. You seem to be having a decent day. You haven’t cried yet. No one has called and accidentally reminded you of your “current situation”. The smile you are wearing feels almost truthful. And then it happens. The topic of children comes up. Well to others, the topic of children came up. To you however, the “I’m a failure, I don’t deserve to be a mommy, my body is betraying me, but you don’t even look sick” topic just came up. She has no idea how her words hurt.

Some of us have a few responses/reactions in our tool belt ready to go. So what do you normally say to that girl? Which tool do you use the most?

Now what if that girl…..

Is 4 years old?

I recently visited some friends. PC’s friend, his wife and their 2 little girls. PC and I have known these friends for almost 10 years now. We were pretty close even before they were married and before they had kids. They were there when PC and I got re-married. They had their first daughter before my diagnosis. I just love that girl!! I could dedicate and entire post to this child. I mean, seriously, she is awesome! The teacher in me is sad she was never my student. Anyhow, It was a great visit. I wasn’t there long but the mom and I had time to catch up. I gave the girls their belated birthday presents. Then of course, we played with their birthday presents. It was nice. Then after hugs and kisses goodbye, as I was walking out the door…it happened.

My favorite little four year old, grasping on to the bottom of my t-shirt, looking up at me with her beautiful blue eyes, asks me “Where is your kid?”.

You could have heard a pin drop. Her mom had the saddest, most sympathetic look on her face as she anticipated my response. I could feel the tension in the air. All eyes were on me. PC stayed home this evening so I was standing there all alone. This is usually the point where PC squeezes my hand with a small shake of confidence, letting me know it will be ok no matter how I choose to respond.

I NAILED IT! My heart still sunk to the pit of my tummy and I still had to take a deep breath but somehow I was able to treat this little girl just like I would have treated any child 5 years ago (pre – diagnosis). I sat down next to her and asked “My kid? Which one is my kid?”. I knew she was referring to someone specific so we chatted for a second until I figured out she was talking about my niece. They have met my niece a few times. It has been well over a YEAR since they have seen my niece though. I wasn’t surprised she remembered. I told you she was awesome!

During this IF journey I have convinced myself I would never be the care-giver I was before my diagnosis. I just didn’t think I could do it. My nickname as a pre-k teacher was “The child whisperer”. That was my identity. I couldn’t “escape reality” for 8 hours a day while at work because I worked with kids! My career was my life. And suddenly going to work was heartbreaking instead of heartfulfilling. It was devastating! I went from happy teacher to sickly housewife in, what seemed like, the snap of a finger latex glove.

But there is hope!

Here’s how I see it… From now on, I will treat all the fertile people I come across in life… like a child!! I don’t mean that in an insulting way. I mean, I will focus on their similarities to my favorite 4 year old. As soon as their “advice” slips out of their mouth I will jump into “child whisperer” mode again. Before I respond, I will remind myself of their innocence, their genuine naivety. I will channel the love, understanding, patience and respect I rely on when caring for a kiddo. Just as with a child, I can’t expect all fertiles to know what to do or say unless I tell them or show them what is acceptable. That means the next time this subject matter comes up, whether I am on the receiving end or not, I won’t freeze. I will NOT just sit back and fight my own tears or pray I suddenly turn invisible. I will speak up. Maybe make a few suggestions. I don’t even have to present such info as “personal experience”. But if we don’t tell them, who will???

I think if I could make a habit of this, I might be able to gain my confidence back. One day, if I so choose, I will work with kids again. I will start this immediately. Wait, can I start tomorrow? I’m kinda tired…

Much Love To All!