The adventures of gallbladder removal

My surgery was this morning and boy was it eventful. I should write a biography, it would be very entertaining for sure! There are always complications for me. Small or big, if it happens to me, it does not happen like it does for others.

During my pre-op this morning the nurse started my IV. Well she sure tried to anyways. Bless her little heart, she blew my vein and it hurt like a mofo! She knew she messed up. It was all over her face, and my arm, the bed and the floor, if I’m being honest. She was very professional about it though. Never once did she try to lie about it, hide it, or make excuses. She applied pressure (a whole lot of painful pressure) to get the air bubbles out as to minimize the damage done. When I nervously asked if she was going to try again in the same hand. She replied “Oh sweetie, I’m not going to try again at all. I will go get you another nurse and she will use your other hand. I will tend to this one and observe. I will be right back.”. I was relieved but I felt so bad for her. I asked her to still be my nurse. Did I mention the emergency alarm was going off during this entire process????? Blinking lights, alarm sounding everywhere and an encouraging message echoing from the intercom saying something to the effect of “There is an emergency. Please evacuate immediately.”  This did not help my nerves at all, to say the least. I later learned it was a fire alarm. After that incident was all over, one of the nurses that was scheduled to be in my surgery with me wasn’t happy with my answer to his “Are you pregnant or could you be” question. I told him I suffered from IF and that I just had a cycle this past Thursday. But I still have all the necessary parts to create life. So with both arms limited, carrying my IV bag and holding my robe closed in the back, I had to sneak to the restroom to pee in a cup for him to prove I was not pregnant. That’s how the surgery started. Yes, that was just the beginning.

I don’t remember much else about the surgery. I did vomit while coming to but I hear that is pretty normal. I have been resting at home comfortably since being released. I’m in a little pain but not as much as I thought I would be. PC took the whole week off. Originally for vacation so hopefully I feel better soon so we can do something fun before he goes back to work. He has taken such great care of me. Sometimes I fear I don’t deserve such an amazing man.

The part of today that truly helped me was my dad showed up. He took the day off of work and everything. For the past few years I have had this overwhelming feeling that my circle sucks. That the people around me say nice things but when push comes to shove they aren’t really on my side. They don’t mean what they say, aren’t there for me and NEVER stick up for me when I am struggling to stick up for myself. I am used to being kicked while I’m down and unfortunately, the people that have been kicking me for the past few years have been my closest family and friends. And then the man that started the “kicking” in my life when I was a child, takes the day off of work to be there for my first surgery. This man had to limp into the hospital today and shake the doctor’s hand with a splint on his right arm because of the stroke he just suffered from on December 1st of last year. He can’t afford to miss work right now. And he probably couldn’t afford the gas money to drive across town. But he did. And for him this wasn’t my first surgery. He was there when I was 2 months old and required a very weird/uncommon surgery to remove 2 inches of muscle from my neck. He was the one wrapping and re-wrapping the dressings on my infant neck as well as performing the painful neck exercises that were required for my recovery. Having my dad there today reminded me of the good times, his good side. Before my father turned into…uh….a different person. It was so nice to have my daddy back, even just for a couple hours. This is the father neither of my sister’s have ever met because he was different by the time they were born. I have missed him so much. I know he is still in there somewhere. I cherish the moments when I get a reminder like I did today. To my sisters, this is the only father they have ever known. But for me, I lived with a great father, then grieved the loss of that person, and learned to live with the father he became. For that reason, today was heartbreaking, scary, moving, and surprisingly encouraging all at the same time. I have a little of my hope back. I’m not even sure why, but I do.

Who knew gallbladder removal would be so emotional?

Now if I could just get past this insomnia….

Much Love To All!

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I love her so much but…….

calgon

Why does it seem that every time I feel like I’m taking steps forward it comes with some massive baggage?? Take my upcoming surgery for example. I am nervous but very excited to finally take care of one of my health problems, for good! But…..

My mom wants to be there!

I think it’s list time. I know I rely on list making a lot but they help me make sense of my thoughts and usually help me make a decision as well. I’m sorry if they annoy any of my readers.

“My mom being there” Pro’s

  1. She is a great support.
  2. She could pick up a little slack so PC doesn’t feel like he’s responsible for everything
  3. She would keep PC company while I’m in surgery or sleeping…
  4. This may not make sense to a lot of people but I am not my mom’s child. I am her parent. That is our relationship dynamic. And also the topic of 95% of my therapy sessions. I have taken care of her since I was about 8 years old. My childhood was not normal at all and I was forced to grow up very quickly. I resent that sometimes but I think I would be lost without it. She feels like she owes me for all the things I have done for her over the years. I don’t see it that way but I know she does. Therefore, I know how good it would feel to her to have the opportunity to take care of me instead the other way around. She would love to play mommy again to her first born baby. So basically instead of this whole paragraph I could have just said It would make her very, very happy for me to need her!

“My mom being there” Con’s

  1. There won’t be enough time to go get her Monday morning (surgery day), so that means my mom will be spending the night with us Sunday night. Not only do PC and I live in a small one bedroom apartment but….
  2. Sunday is our anniversary! So PC and I will be spending our anniversary driving to pick up, driving all the way home and spending the night with, my mother.
  3. I know I’m mentioning our anniversary a lot but, thanks to my tacky ass, spiteful sister, that day is more significant and important to us than it ever has been. PC and I have been celebrating this exact same date for 19 years! It’s not just our wedding anniversary. It’s the day we started dating, the day PC proposed, the day we got married AND the day we got re-married! (and yes my sister was aware of all of that when she decided to get married on this same date last year)
  4. The down side to #4 on the Pro’s list up there. Having her around is like have a child around. I have to spend a lot of my mental energy (and physical) on her needs. “I’m dizzy and weak but I have to help her up these stairs. PC can’t do it, he’s carrying all her bags and her dog”, “I can’t let her stand in the kitchen and cook. Her back is killing her right now even though she says it’s not”, “PC, can you please go stand in the kitchen with her, her leg is about 30 seconds away from going numb which means she is about to fall, and she won’t let me help!”, “I need to get the bed rails out of the closet because she falls off the bed”, “Is there an open outlet for her CPAP? She can’t sleep without it.”, “What if she has a seizure? What if I’m not around? Does PC know what to do?”….See??? That doesn’t sound like fun.. It sounds like unneccessary worry and responsibility!
  5. If I don’t go get her, she will ask my sister to bring her. In case you haven’t noticed, I do not care to see my sister. Ever again! Her voice makes me nauseous. And if my sister brings mom, I know it won’t be for the right reason. She won’t just be trying to help. She always has an angle. But that means I will be spending my time trying to figure out her damn angle so my mom doesn’t end up hurt, like usual.
  6. If #5 happens I will be spending my recovery time “picking up the pieces” of whatever drama my sister’s angle has caused. Although in all fairness, the drama might be as simple as my sister asking mom for gas money (which my very gullible mom will fall for) leaving PC and I helping mom out financially for the rest of the month, even though we are still trying to save for a house and the move.
  7. Just thinking about all of this is stressful. Which is not good when the illness I’m fighting is induced by stress!!!!!!
  8. It would break my mom’s heart if she isn’t there.

Well it looks like there are more con’s than pro’s. But I feel really horrible about the con’s. And I didn’t come to a conclusion. I guess I still have some time to decide but I don’t like to leave things undone. I like to have a plan. I rely on having a plan. Especially if I decide not to go get her, I have to plan on how to tell my mom without breaking her heart. I’m exhausting myself so if you made it this far, thanks for hanging in there champ!

Much Love To All!

Health Update

My gallbladder removal surgery is scheduled for Monday March 23rd. I am nervous but I’m trying to keep my eye on the prize…feeling better! I have one more week with this heart monitor. I don’t mind it so much. Although, whoever claims these electrodes (and the adhesives) can be removed with “a little soap and warm water” is a big fat liar! Even in the shower, that part is painful. I will get the results from the cardio on the 17th. If all goes well with that, the surgery is a go. Here is a short list of my surgery pros and cons..

Pros:

  •  Feeling better!!!!
  • hopefully less symptoms
  • after recovery I hope to be able to have a real meal rather than a lifetime of snacking
  • I hope my panic/anxiety episodes go away so I can start leaving my house on a regular basis again
  • I’m also hoping this tightness in my chest goes away and stays away
  • My hot flashes are likely to disappear also
  • I will have accomplished one of my 3 surgeries for the year
  • It will take my mind off this horrible house hunting journey
  • It will take my mind off my sis…lots of stressful things
  • PC is an amazing caregiver when I am sick 🙂

Cons:

  • It’s surgery!
  • If the past is any indication, I will be that 1% of patients that suffer from complications (most likely the rarest ones)
  • I’m scared
  • It is scheduled for the day after our anniversary.
  • My “pro’s” list includes a lot of hoping. I am worried this surgery doesn’t help as much as my doctor thinks it will
  • Did I mention I’m scared?

I do feel bad about the surgery being so close to our anniversary. On the other hand, I won’t be the only one happy I’m feeling better…I’m sure PC is getting tired of taking care of me. Plus, I still hold a whole lot of bitterness about my sister (my enemy) getting married on my anniversary last year. So I will be grateful to have something to keep my mind off of that. Last year during their wedding, PC and I went on an amazing vacation. We drove out of state so we could be as far away from the drama as possible. This year I was sure we would have found a house by now and that would help keep my mind off it. Since that hasn’t happened yet, I guess all I have is this stupid surgery. Maybe after this surgery, I can get back to the fantabulous infertility mystery.

This is all about perspective. I will keep my faith. This surgery will be successful. I will experience relief from most of my current symptoms. I have nothing to worry about.

Music Monday

I know this song is everywhere and it probably getting totally over played on the radio but I just can’t get enough of it! This might be my favorite cover of this song so far! I wonder if I can get PC to sport that hat? I wouldn’t mind that at all…

I have this crazy fascination with the dancing elderly. How cute is that? I love to see that music remains in the soul even if your body can’t move like it used to. It reminds me that we are not that different from one another. Age, physical abilities, race, religion…none of that matters. Music can unite all of us. If only everyone saw it that way..

Much Love To All!

And the verdict is in.

My GI office called today with my scan results. Everything looks good according to the abdominal ultrasound, except for the gallstones floating around my gallbladder. They are sending me the info for a general surgeon they recommend. I need to have my gallbladder removed.

I am nervous, scared, anxious, and ecstatic to finally have answers! So now what do I do? Is surgery my only option? Well my GI says it is but what about all of the natural methods out there in the virtual world PC and I have read about.

PC and I have considered doing a few cleanses. There is a cleanse for every organ it seems. The concern most people have about the gallbladder cleanse is if the gallstones are too big, they could get stuck in the bile duct which would be a serious complication. In addition to that concern, I have also read that many doctors don’t even believe it is possible for a gall stone to be eliminated naturally. They claim what people see in their stool during the cleanse is not actually gallstones but the discarded form of all the ingredients they ingested for the cleanse. Plus the process of the cleanse is not a pleasant one at all. In my case I would just be making all of my symptoms worse in order to hopefully get rid of them all together. This could take months if not years!

The only reason I would consider an alternative to gallbladder removal is my (possibly irrational) fear of the surgery failing to relieve my symptoms. The only explanation for that would be if my gallbladder is not the only culprit here. But I am no doctor so how can I know for sure? I guess that answer will come when I take my test/scan results to a general surgeon or even my PCP to get an explanation. If my PCP agrees that my results point to only the gallbladder, then I can stop worrying about that.

There might be one more reason for my hesitation. I’m stalling. If I’m being totally honest I have appreciated the break from my regularly scheduled va-jay-jay exams. This gallbladder stuff has taken over and my IF appointments have been benched. I ran out of BCPs last month and postponed my follow-up with my gyn. The last time I saw her she wanted me to take time to consider the laparoscopic and then a hysterectomy. Once my gallbladder is taken care of, I have to go back to deciding if I want my useless, empty uterus removed. Yay! <–insert sarcasm here

For someone so scared of surgery, I sure am facing a lot of it! I have never had surgery. Well that isn’t entirely true. I had surgery on my neck when I was 2 months old but that one doesn’t count.

I have decisions to make. If any of you have had trouble with gallstones and would like to share your experience please leave a comment. Any info would be helpful.

Much Love To All

I didn’t choose the DINK life, the DINK life chose me!

Yes, I am aware of how incredibly cheesy that title is. But it is the truth. I figure now would be a good time to give a little background about myself and explain why my life is “dink-ish”. If you haven’t already noticed from previous blogs, I am not considered a shy person. I see no reason to hold a lot back, respectfully of course. Now that we got that out-of-the-way here is part of my story…

My hubby and I have been together for almost 18 years, March 2014. In the beginning I told him I never wanted children. He was ok with that, altho I think he secretly hoped I would change my mind. We really didn’t talk about it much thru our relationship tho. I always worked with children as a teacher/caregiver so we talked (ok, I talked) about kids daily, just not about having our own. I focused on school and work and so did he. Well about 8 years ago I started feeling what I thought to be that little clock thing women talk about. We decided to begin “trying”. My medical history had always been very unique but I saw my gyn regularly and had no reason to think our lives would take the path it has. As it turns out, there was reason to be concerned about my health. I was forced to find a new gyn when my current one relocated. This is when I found out gyn #1 was kinda clueless. Very disappointing news because I had really liked and trusted her. Anyhow, turns out I had probably never ovulated in my life, like EVER! Gyn #2 ordered several tests, ya know, the blood work, ultrasounds and so on. She referred me to an endocrinologist after a PCOS diagnosis. I was confused. Very confused. The endo started me on this medicinal treatment plan. She warned me that the side effects might be less than pleasant at first but this med would accomplish several things, including lower cholesterol, combat the insulin resistance and maybe weight loss. I am not sure that is did any of those things in the 8 months I took it but I can tell you what it DID do.

1) So So So nauseous 24/7

2) Random, explosive, urgent bouts of bubble guts, as my cousin calls it. Better know as diarrhea. And when I say random I mean…I’m was tempted to call the Container Store Headquarters and thank them for putting a restroom (with a lock) in their stores and ask they (potties) be moved to the front of the store! That is a sad and funny story, maybe another blog on just these side effects…

3) Hot flashes. Aren’t I too young for these???????? Live in my shower!

4) Random vomiting. Fortunately for everyone around me I had more of a  “warning” before this symptom arrived. 

Moving on, those are just some of the side effects that convinced me I should stop swallowing these pills from hell and think about things. Here is where things got even more complicated for my little brain. Do I really want kids? If so do I want them bad enough to take that med again? Adoption is not what my hubby really wants, so even tho it’s not off the table, it’s not part of our plan yet. I can not afford a surrogate. Now what? I had so many questions and no answers. And finally, why would I start feeling this clock if I can’t have kids? I should have just stuck to my plan, no kids! But wait, there’s more!!! This is when I find out that I may NOT have PCOS. It might be endometriosis. What? They say all the symptoms fit but a surgical procedure is the only way to confirm it. You have to be kidding me! So why did I go thru all that hell for so long? Why would I get treatment for something if there was another possibility? Very frustrating. Needless to say it all got a little overwhelming, and now my hubby and I are just “leaving it in GOD’s hands”. No meds, no temps, no calendar. Just taking life day by day. I would like to just get a hysterectomy. My only fear is that my choice to just not have kids, is an emotionally induced one right now. My hormones are so out of whack I’m not sure how I dress myself everyday! LOL. Then there is the guilt. Not giving my hubby a child, my family or myself. But what if that is my destiny. Maybe I am destined to help others with their kids instead of having my own. I have been a teacher, babysitter, nanny, aunt, big sis and good friend on the phone when they don’t know how to handle any given situation.  I did not grow up in a very religious home but what if that is HIS plan for me? I’m great at all of those things. I have been called “The Child Whisperer” several times! Not just by family but by my students parents and my co workers and supervisors. Maybe just maybe, this is a “Don’t fix it if it ain’t broke” kinda situation.

Either way this is how I came to know the DINK-ish life. And I call it “dink-sh” because of the darned yo-yo effect all of this has had on me and my hubby. I want kids, I don’t want kids, no medical reason why I can’t, too many reason to list why I can’t…Even tho these medical difficulties created overwhelming emotions and somehow still do, I think my hubby and I have embraced the dink life well. We are starting to see all the benefits also. And now I’m back to not wanting kiddos. My current goal is to get ahold of these horrible symptoms, hopefully find the culprit/s, and find some solutions.  In my up-coming blogs I will cover some of the symptoms I have experienced over the years, ya never know maybe there is a dr on this site, not only for the share factor but also to explore the emotional side effects that most women do not truly understand unless they are going thru it too.