In the word’s of Meredith Grey…”I’m in my dark and twisty place today”. Which led me to check on this blog of mine. So I log in and realize it has been a year since my last blog. And ya know what else I realized? For almost a year I haven’t had a “dark and twisty” day because of my IF issues! I’m not sure if anyone will read this or care to even open it. And I’m okay with that. Blogging makes me feel better for some strange reason so blog I will…
I suppose I should start with an update regarding my last post, which you can find here in case you are curious.
Here is the short version: I had a mole on my knee biopsied at the end of September 2015, the derm called me to confirm it was Melanoma (skin cancer) at the beginning of October,
excision surgery (plus sentinel lymph node biopsy) happened October 16th and to be honest…the rest is kind of a blur. The surgeon got clean borders and my lymph nodes came back negative! In plain english…the cancer had only spread to the skin around the mole (it hadn’t reached my lymph nodes!!!) and the surgeon got all of that out. I am currently cancer free and being monitored by
my dermatologist and oncologist. This was a very scary couple of months. The original lab results (the ones that revealed the mole was cancerous) indicated that it had spread to my lymph nodes. Which means it could have already spread to my organs as well. So going into the excision surgery I was under the impression this could very well be just the beginning of a long and aggressive cancer
treatment. I’m grateful that wasn’t the case. Before and after picture…
So now that you’ve been updated here is the point to this post.
For almost a year…..my day wasn’t filled with thoughts about my IF or dr appointments or pee sticks or a sale at my local pharmacy on pee sticks or BFNs or how to manage the cost of IVF…and so on. I certainly did NOT enjoy being treated for cancer, surgery, fear, drs, needles…etc but I can’t deny the fact that a little part of me enjoyed the break! The break from infertility! Somehow the pregnancy announcements didn’t hurt as bad. My life didn’t revolve around appointments with my RE or GYN. When my family asked how my last appointment went…My response used to be something like “Well, I’m still not pregnant and my hysterectomy will be scheduled soon”. Instead my answer was “I graduated from monthly checkups with my oncologist to every three months and look..I can bend my knee almost all the way now!!!” My heart needed the break. My head needed the break. My spirit enjoyed the break as well.
And now? Now that I’m in the clear with Melanoma,, now that I have almost all of my motility back in my leg/knee? Well now the break is over!!! I saw my gyn a couple of weeks ago for the first time since my melanoma diagnosis. It’s time for my annual exam and she deserved an update. Last thing her and I talked about was my upcoming hysterectomy. She was just waiting for me to call her scheduler and get the surgery set up. Which I never did. After filling her in, we discussed the hysterectomy I never had. So now, all of those things I mentioned getting a break from, they’re back. With a vengeance I’m afraid.
Today it all hit me. My life is no longer about kicking cancer’s ass! It’s once again about being the poor, damaged housewife who suffers in silence. The girl no one understands. Who cancels plans because she is too emotional to focus on anything. The one who will never conceive a child of her own.
It is now clear to me that women who suffer from infertility suffer just as much (if not more) emotionally as they do physically. I didn’t feel the need to blog, not even once over the past year while I was being treated for Melanoma. It was scary and painful and emotionally consuming BUT I never even considered blogging about it. I knew I caught it early and I KNEW I could get through it, no matter the outcome. I carried myself through the entire process (with the help of PC of course). With my IF, I’m not as certain I will make it through it, no matter what the outcome may be. So I lean on others who have been there. I’m sure as I go through this hysterectomy I will be on here more often. I thank all of you for being here. For sharing your stories. Even if you don’t comment on my posts, I read yours and they are inspiring, raw, honest and so real. I appreciate that. I’m sorry this turned into such a long post. I hope you have all had a great year.
Much Love to all!!