Today I am aware.

I seem to be having an emotional day.

Even through the whirlwind of emotions I am feeling right now, I am suddenly aware of so many things.

  • Today I am aware that my new house will never have a nursery in it – PC and I were still on the parenthood journey when we started looking for a house. In fact, one of the reasons to consider buying a house was the size of our apartment. Perfect size for the 2 of us, not so perfect to raise kids in.  We finally found a house and should close in the next couple of weeks. 2 years ago I already had the nursery decorated thanks to Pinterest. Today it’s my music studio and hotel quality guest room that Pinterest is helping me with.
  • Today I am aware I still need a space for kids in my new house – I may not be decorating a nursery but PC and I are the only ones without children. There will be children around. The best way forrollercoaster us to child-proof our house is to give the kids their own space. I love children but this realization comes with mixed emotions. Why should I child-proof my home for your kids? If you have been invited to our home, you already know our situation. Shouldn’t it be their responsibility to prepare? Bring activities, find a babysitter…. Then my guilt takes over. Before my diagnosis I had a kid’s room/space. I had separate bins…a few with extra teacher supplies the kids couldn’t touch (out of sight and reach) and a few with the extras they could. Our best friend’s daughter knows exactly where her bin is and can get into it without my help. Her and her sister have never heard the words “don’t touch that” in my house because, thanks to the toys they only see at our place, they are not interested in my breakables. So why do I feel so “put off” about providing the same thing in our new home??
  • Today I am aware that having this hysterectomy will resolve many physical struggles but possible NONE of the emotional ones – I am almost afraid to be sad about this surgery because I do not want my doctor, or anyone else, worry that I regret this decision. The pain/grief of infertility does not consist of ONLY not being able to conceive. For me it is also the WHY I can’t conceive. Where is the major malfunction in my body? Why do I appear to be the only one with this malfunction? Could this malfunction have been prevented? I even asked my gyn if she could/would examine the organs she takes out. She knows me pretty well, so that question did not surprise her at all. She said “I will look for an answer, I promise”. It is the feeling of isolation, regardless of the outcome. It is the loss of control over your own life. Not just the loss of a dream but the loss of choice in the changing of said dream.
  • Today I am aware I will always be different – I am a part of a small statistic of society. At first I did not choose to be childfree and then I did. I have received many mixed reactions when family/friends hear that we have decided not to do fertility treatments. I can respect their opinions but do they respect mine? The ones who feel like I am just giving up and will one day regret it, will likely always feel that way. I must be prepared to defend our decision for the rest of my life, with friends, family and even strangers.
  • Today I am aware of my gut – NOTE: If you are unfamiliar with Empaths or HSP’s, you can skip this paragraph if you would like. My empath abilities seem to be precognitive (mostly dreams) and Claircognizance.  Unfortunately I have mostly focused on the negative stuff in the past. Although I am always glad I listened to my gut in those situations, I have been advised to start paying attention to the positive as well. Today I am doing that. Even though I am having an emotional day and even though I will probably continue to have days like this…I know PC and I are on the right path. My gut says my upcoming hysterectomy will be a blessing for me and my exhausted body and mind. And that this is the right house for us, with or without a nursery. For this reason, today, I can see being an empath as a gift and not a curse.
  • Today I am aware PC is not ready for this surgery

Much Love To All

4 responses to “Today I am aware.

  1. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I can’t even imagine having to make the choice you’re making. So many *hugs* to you as you come to terms with your new reality.

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