YAPA

goalI created a new abbreviation. YAPA = Yet Another Pregnancy Announcement. I am making an effort to write a positive post at a moment I am NOT feeling positive at all. I have no choice really. How long am I going to let these damn announcements ruin my day/week/month…life??? I can not afford to allow them to effect me like this. First I will briefly explain why I am feeling upset. Then I plan on looking at it differently.

My cousin contacted me to let me know his 14 year old daughter is 6 weeks pregnant. (By the way, it is taking all of my might not to write this in all caps and use an excessive amount of exclamation marks.) I know I am not alone in not being excited about every pregnancy announcement I hear. I am curious about this though. How many “acceptable” announcements have you heard since your diagnosis versus “unacceptable” announcements. I feel like the only ones I have heard that didn’t upset me were the ones I read on here. In real life, ALL of the announcements were from people I felt didn’t deserve the opportunity. Why is that? I saw a difference between deserving and UNdeserving parents LONG before my diagnosis, so even though it might make these feelings a little worse, it is not the sole reason why these announcements upset me now. Is this some kind of joke? Why isn’t there one, just one, happily married couple expecting a baby in my real life? They don’t even have to be married. How about a responsible couple that are madly in love? That would work too. I will host that baby shower myself!

Ok, now here is where my new found perspective comes in handy. I am not good at this yet but here it goes.

This pregnancy announcement is not in my immediate family. I am not responsible for a thing. I won’t be asked to host the shower, this young mother won’t be calling me for advice…It will not directly effect me in any way. There are millions of pregnancies out there that will not effect me on a day to day basis. Therefore, I am not upset about all of them. So I do not need to be upset about this one. Then I realize that instead of reacting to this child having a baby. I could think about the fact that this CHILD is having a baby. She could be scared out of her mind right now. Her whole life has changed. Her whole life is about to change even more and she has no idea. Her mother passed away about a year ago and her father is getting remarried this December.  Her world has already been turned upside down. Maybe she had no one there for her. Maybe she is rebelling in the most self destructive way she could think of. My only responsibility is to pray for her. To pray for her baby. To pray for her future.

This is the point where I see this in a new perspective. I have realized that anger is not the only emotion I can allow myself to recognize right now. So maybe I can keep the anger to a minimum and remember the things I just mentioned about her situation.  After doing so, I feel sad about what she is going through right now. I can feel (at least a little) sympathetic. Her mommy won’t be there when she really needs her. Then I feel grateful that I did not change my life’s course by having a child before PC and I were ready. Not that having a child at a young age will absolutely ruin your life. But PC and I talked about kids before the divorce. If we pretend that I was fabulous and fertile at that time, I think our choice to not have children yet was a good one! I mean, if we had gotten pregnant would we still have gotten divorced? If not, would be be this happy today? I mean, we grew so much while we were apart.  Bottom line here is… My other feelings are getting jealous. Anger/bitterness is getting all my attention. Maybe if I can learn to acknowledge and accept  the anger then i can move on by acknowledging and accepting the remaining feelings too.

Then I remember the picture above and how I felt the first time I saw it. I felt grateful. Grateful that even though having children is not a goal PC and I will ever achieve, there are so many goals and dreams out there that we can achieve. So many! Some of them will only be possible because we don’t have children. So this new perspective stuff leads me down a path where I remember how excited PC and I were about these other goals we used to talk about. Why don’t we talk about them anymore? This diagnosis has taken over our whole world. But it doesn’t have to. That is a choice. We are choosing to focus on the bad and not the good. When I think about it, we are kinda stupid for doing so. I mean, if seeing the bad all the time is a choice then we have no right to complain about the bad. Right? So we are choosing to see the good. I know, I know, so much easier said than done, but it is possible and we have to at least try. If I can remember this every time I hear a new announcement, I think it will start to get easier. When does it start to get easier?

Ok, that is about as positive as I can write after getting YAPA. <<See what I did there? Hehe.

Much Love to All…

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“Genie, You’re free”

genie As a big …major…   ginormous Disney fan, from this day forward I will enjoy Aladdin with a heavy heart!

The news of Robin Williams passing has me in tears. His death has been ruled a suicide as a result of his depression. This is one time I am grateful to already be aware of my hyper sensitivity. If I didn’t have this knowledge I would be very confused about why this makes me sooooo sad. It is not a surprise that some people have concerns/questions here. Is there NOTHING more that could have been done for this man? What if he was just on the wrong med? What if his wife didn’t encourage him to stick with whatever treatment his dr suggested. What if he wasn’t seeing the right doctor?  I have no details about his struggles so I am in no way making accusations here. 

My HSP self however, can’t stop thinking about the “what ifs” his family is probably thinking about right now. What if we could have done more? What if I had told him how much I loved him more often? What if I hadn’t left him alone? What if we had made him switch doctors? You get the point. It is hard for the survivors to make sense of this kind of tragedy. The guilt his family MIGHT be feeling makes me so sad. 

 After I allow the HSP part of me to feel what it needs to I am left with anger. I can relate to the “what ifs” his family might be feeling. Not because I have lost a loved one to suicide and was left with the same questions but because I already have those questions about my sister, whom although is still alive, I lost years ago. The anger I feel is not just towards her but also towards my family for not sharing these questions and concerns with me. I genuinely believe my sister needs help and no one around me will step up and help her. I do not think she would ever take her own life. As a matter of fact, I know she would NOT take her own life but her illness has caused her to tell her friends/family about a “time in her life when she almost did”. That “time” never happened but the attention and sympathy she gets from telling such a story is as important to her as oxygen! I have diagnosed her with Borderline Personality Disorder but heavens knows I am no expert. That is just my collective opinion. The point is, I have tried to help her by myself. I have called her out every time she lied, I have made her come clean to her friends in front of me, offered to take her to MY dr, offered to pay for the appts…Nothing worked. The made up stories still happened. I then turned to my family. I told as many people as I could what was going on. I brought evidence with me to disprove her claims. Yes “claimS” as in plural! In the end I feel very let down. This sister now lives in a different town, married to a new guy. I am not sure exactly what I had hoped would happen by getting the rest of the family involved but that is irrelevant because NOTHING happened. The family enables her over and over again, probably because they don’t want to lose contact with her 10 year old daughter. She has literally ZERO consequences to her horrible actions and what’s worse – she is still doing it! The lies have not stopped for one second. My niece deserves a healthy mom! Again I am not afraid of her committing suicide but there are other outcomes that would also be devastating. What happens to my niece when her new step-dad finds out the truth? Not just one truth. There are so many lies attached to this woman he would probably pack his crap and take off! What then? My niece will once again be abandoned by her only male role model and no one cares. Maybe he will never find out. My sister won’t allow anyone to get that close to them. These are the questions I am angry to be the only one worrying about. Even if someone did tell him the truth, all she has to do is bat her eyelashes, shed a few alligator tears and deny it. Who will he believe? His wife or this family member he barely knows? I can answer that because her ex husband (my niece’s father) and I have had a mini heart to heart after they split for the last time. I was asking him why he still wanted her back after all she had done. He looked confused. “What do you mean all she has done” he asked. WOW. He never felt the need to question the validity of any of her claims and she asked him to keep these things to himself, so that’s what he did. She has this all figured out. It’s been a life time of manipulation and head games. My family are pro’s at this! Ok, my new found introversion is starting to make so much sense. 

Bottom line is Robin Williams was a legend in his field and will never be forgotten.  I pray for his family, friends and fans. Another amazing human that will probably get more attention now than he did while alive. Final thoughts…

Poof, what do ya need. Poof, what do ya need. Poof, what do ya need?

My 1st wish:  1) I wish I could have been there to hold his hand and tell him not to give up!

My 2nd wish: 2) I wish he could have seen himself the way so many others did!.

My 3rd wish:  3) Genie, You’re free! 

Much Love to all

I loathe you PCOS!

 Right at this very moment most of my husband’s family is at a birthday party. A party for our great nephew who has turned one. And we are not there. There are many factors to this situation that stick out to me like a sore thumb. And in usual anabea style I am going to list them. That is the easiest way for me to get them all out of my head. So, in no particular order…..

  1. PC and I never even discussed this party, not to mention whether we were going or not.
  2. The party was announced on FB via an event invite.
  3. I decided on my own we couldn’t go and messaged our niece and let her know we had other obligations for today and wouldn’t make it. Every Sunday we spend the day at my mother’s house trying to clean up her JUNGLE of a backyard. Mind you we live in Texas, the only things we do after that many hours of yard work in this heat is shower, hydrate, eat and rest!
  4. Our friend (who was bringing the chipper for the yard work) texted me yesterday to say he can’t help today but he can help on Monday. So we moved our yard work to Monday.
  5. This means we could have gone to the party after all.
  6. We did not go.
  7. I am aware that most of the family is probably upset with us for not going to yet another get together.
  8. I am well aware they probably blame me for PC not going without me. 
  9. I had somewhat of an emotional breakdown last night. My face is so swollen and sore from crying I actually took some ibuprofen.
  10. This breakdown wasn’t because of this party at all though. I can’t pinpoint the one cause of this breakdown. I can however, blame an old episode of Grey’s Anatomy for the onset of waterworks down my face.
  11. PC and I had an argument last night before my emotional break. I know the argument had a little to with it. I actually believe “the reason we argued” had a lot to do with it. I am not referring to the content of the argument (stupid little stuff), I mean the reason I got upset in the first place.
  12. That reason is one of several things. Hormones, HSP stuff, emotional day (had my tarot cards read for the first time and it was kinda freaky) and more.
  13. After we resolved our argument, and I had recovered from my emotional break, I experienced more “daily reminders” that made me sad all over again!!

 How the hec do I know which one of those “reasons” is the root cause of our arguments? Or is it simply a combination of them?  How can I recognize it while in the moment and PREVENT the argument in the first place?  We do not fight hardly ever. But I seem to get upset, hurt, or sad easily and I don’t know how to stop. I can see how my former doctors saw this as BiPolar. I was in an elevated mood last night when PC and I began chatting and it took -5 seconds for me to be upset. It was a hand/facial gesture on his part that upset me. Are you serious? His face pissed me off???? We talked through it, not understanding at all why we were arguing. He left the room, I turned on netflix, put some grey’s anatomy on and thanks to this specific episode, I realized my PCOS was probably the main culprit!! While crying through/watching Grey’s I started going through the night’s events in my head. I remembered PC saying before the argument that he was cold. I was burning up! I just turned the fan on high and didn’t think much of it. Then I glanced down at my chest and what do ya know…this nasty hormonal acne/rash looking crap! That’s when it hit me. I was having hormonal mood swings and that is why our conversation turned into an argument. Damn you PCOS!!!!!  I was very grateful to have figured out why I was upset but that is when the emotional breakdown really began. PC heard me balling and came in to check on me. I poured my little heart out between sobs. I am tired of being broken. I am tired of feeling broken. I am tired of being tired. My poor PC. How much more of this can he take? 

My conclusion here is that last night was a combination of hormones and my hyper sensitivity. With those two things working as a team, communication is damn near impossible for PC and I. How do HSP’s communicate well with a spouse?

 My plan of action includes keeping my appt with the gyn in Sept. Knowing what I know now about HSP and with new knowledge about how to minimize side effects, I am going to start taking the Metformin again after I see the dr. I am going to try harder to start every day off by meditating. The only thing missing from my plan of action is a step to try and mend my relationships with PC’s family. I don’t know where to start with them. Do I take the time to explain things to them? The PCOS/IF will probably require less explanation than the HSP. Do I open that door and let them all in? Or do I just take the steps I need to handle them in the future? I know this post is all out of order and confusing. I am sorry for that.  I encourage you all to use the suggestion box below. It’s the box wordpress refers to as “comments”. 

Much Love to all!

So twisted

I have recently realized that most of my fellow bloggers post something almost daily. I am not sure I have enough interesting material to add on a daily basis but I have decided that I am going to try and share more often than I do now. So here is what is currently on my mind.

The ever evil facebook has pictures of the previous “teen mom” Catelynn going around. Apparently she is pregnant with her second child. My initial reaction to this was to reach for my blood pressure medicine! It makes me sad that every page I saw started the story off with a great big congrats! What??? Congrats? I am so confused. By congratulating them I can only assume people are under the impression they are ready for a child now. Why? Do they have adequate money now due to the show she was on? Or maybe she is actually of age now? Did she go to school since the show? Did her boyfriend get an education since the show? I don’t know the answers to any of those questions. All I know is this news makes me sad. Maybe my reaction is unwarranted but it is how I feel at the moment. . Again I ask, What has changed? And in addition, Are they going to keep this one? Please do not misunderstand me. I am not suggesting they don’t deserve to be parents because they have opted for adoption in the past. That was the only responsible thing they did on that show from what I hear. I don’t believe that decision makes a lick of difference right now. It was the best decision for them at the time. But is having another one the best thing for them (or the child) now? I just find it interesting that they are receiving so much positive attention about this announcement right off the bat. Hopefully all of the above questions are true. I can only pray that they have grown in every way since the show and they are genuinely ready to be parents now. I won’t spend too much time being upset about society’s twisted reaction to this. I will pray for them and be satisfied that that is all I can do for now.

On a different note, I am doing a pretty good job lately of separating other’s emotions from my own. PC and I have these friend’s who are currently having marital problems. I have been doing my best to be helpful as well as cautious. My personal opinions and beliefs are strong. I have to concentrate on not affecting others with them. I do not want to taint anyone’s opinions. The power of suggested is real! I think they will be fine in the long run but it will be a very long run indeed.

I hope you all have a great week. I must go practice my sheet music now. I am at the point in my piano lessons where my teacher can tell when I do not practice.

Much Love to all…