Will she be helpful?



Today is my appt with the new gyn. I am excited because I hear great things about her. I am also anxious because deep down inside I am hoping she has some sort of quick fix but I am well aware there is no quick fix. In spite of these mixed emotions, I have been in a pretty positive mood lately. Maybe the dark clouds are rollin’ outa town soon, I don’t know.

PC and I attended our nephew’s 12th birthday last weekend. I hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before but then again I never do. Either way, I think I handled it well. I was more “like myself” at this family gathering than I have been in quite a while. I still can’t explain why these get-togethers are so hard for me. I don’t believe it’s  just the fear of another announcement. I think with all the sadness and negative feelings IF has brought into my life, I simply have no more room. No more room in my head or heart for negativity, anxiety, sadness, or whatever other surprise emotion that might be in store. Heck, I don’t need a family function to feel those things. Just this morning I heard a report on the news that some high school (don’t remember which state) added a section in their yearbook this year to acknowledge the teen moms!! From what I could tell these teen mothers are being acknowledged because they were able to stay in school and graduate. I froze. My whole body froze when I heard this.Are you kidding me? They made the yearbook because they had a baby? Some people have suggested that by doing this, the school is glamorizing teen sex and parenthood. That is not the reason I think this is ridiculous though. Obviously teens were already having sex before this yearbook section was added. The number of “kids having kids” has been consistently rising for years! Others say these young mother’s deserve to be praised for continuing their education, for overcoming this “obstacle”!!! Maybe that’s why this story rubbed me the wrong way. Obstacle??? Okay, I agree they deserve some praise for staying on the straight and narrow and doing what is best for their child. That’s great. But should it be their whole school praising them? Is that the appropriate place to acknowledge this achievement? And I pray they did not use the word “obstacle” in the yearbook. Is it still considered an obstacle if it was a choice?Oh, I better stop before I write an entire book on this subject. So you see….. I get fired up just by watching the damn news. Stories about people I don’t even know. It feels worse when the things that get me “all fired up” are so close to home and begin at a family gathering. Bottom line…I consider this birthday party a victory. A small victory.

Much Love to all!


14 Struggles Only Homebodies Understand

Very well said!

Thought Catalog


[tc-related post=295623 align=right]

1. The awkwardness that is cancelling your way out of any and all plans you make/are forced into. Crafting that many excuses isn’t easy and is an artform that deserves proper recognition.

2. Justifying this: “What are you doing?” “Nothing… I’m just sitting at home… but like, because I want to.”

3. You’re not anti-social, you are just selectively-social. You don’t waste your time with people who don’t matter, you don’t keep up fake friendships. Sometimes this looks as though you’re distant, but you actually have a psychological leg up on the people who are still trying to work out relationships that just aren’t meant for them.

4. Dealing with the stigma that someone who spends time at home is boring and needs to “get a life.” Wherever you live your life the happiest is the place you should do it. The only people who think otherwise are the people who can’t be…

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Has Anyone Told You???


test I truly believe this is what my body thinks of this process.  Although PC and I aren’t technically ttc anymore I still test for precaution. With my life history it will happen when we stop trying. Also, my body has always done the opposite of what it should be doing or can be explained. Anyhow, in addition to testing, I am still on the hunt for answers. I have to know why. I may never know but I have to try to figure it out. I have an appt next week with a new gyn. I decided until then I will get back to doing my own research. Here are some things I have learned in the past few days, from the internet, books, and my own records.

  • I have lab results here from my RE that says DIAGNOSIS: 627.2 (Symptomatic Menopausal or Female Climacteric State) WHA??????????? I am praying this is just the reason for the blood work and not the diagnosis based on what they already know about my health! I looked up these words and they basically mean the very beginning of pre-menopause. I will be asking more questions about that paper for sure.
  • One of my bills from this RE says I owe $160 for 2 tests I had done. The tests are called SPERM AB. After looking this up I can only determine they were testing my “stuff” for reactions to sperm. PC was never tested. How come I wasn’t aware of this test? I can only imagine the lab results looked promising or they would have told me. Right?!?!
  • Many women can FEEL ovulation. I realized I can!! I used to tell PC (and drs) that my pms starts well before my period. I get a pain on the side of my abdomen. Not horrible but pretty uncomfortable and certainly annoying. Others “signs” of ovulation include change in bbt, change in cervical position, change in cervical mucus (egg whites = ovulating/near ovulation) light spotting, breast tenderness, bloating, increased sex drive, and heightened sense of smell, taste or vision. Why did I NOT know this already!!???? I feel all of those. And if this is all true, why would my gyn tell me she doesn’t believe I have ever ovulated before? I have told her about all of my symptoms. So frustrating!
  • YOU CAN HAVE “NORMAL” PERIODS AND OVULATE AND STILL NOT CONCEIVE. I did not realize this either. Maybe I should have known but never connected the dots between doctors. As soon as I realized this, I dug deeper on the interweb and found info on a condition called “lutenized unruptured follicle syndrome”. (luf syndrome) This is where the follicle begins to lutenize without ever releasing an egg, and therefore producing progesterone which docs will see in your blood work (LH) and that leads them to believe you have ovulated. But you didn’t! Research shows that up to 50% of people with ‘unexplained infertility’ have this. From what I can tell it is possible that while this syndrome may not cause endo, it is commonly linked to it or the result of it. Please look this up if you still have questions about your IF. I am no doctor and if you find any of my info to be incorrect I beg for you to let me know! I will be confirming this info with my new doctor. 
  • IODINE!! This is a substance that the body does not make on it’s own but needs for many reasons. It used to be in many foods but was thought to be harmful so it was replaced with other things like bromine, fluorine, chlorine, perchlorate in food, water, medicines

    and the environment.  Fun fact: Iodine in wheat has been replaced with Bromine, the gas used to fumigate your house for termites!] Some of the symptoms iodine deficiency are brittle nails, cold hands and feet, cold intolerance, depression, difficulty swallowing, dry skin, dry hair or hair loss, fatigue, high cholesterol, hoarseness, infertility, miscarriage, lethargy, menstrual irregularities, early menopause, poor memory or concentration, slower heartbeat, throat pain and weight gain. Also there is currently a lot of research still going on because iodine deficiency is thought to be linked to thyroid disease, breast cancer, fibrocystic breast disease, prostate cancer, and obesity — plus developmental delays and mental retardation in children! I about fell out of my chair when I read this! I found a forum where a lady claims that taking an iodine supplement (UNDER HER DR’S SUPERVISION) cured her pcos!! No more symptoms and she had a baby! I have so many of these symptoms it might as well be named after me!! If I only had a few of them I may not be interested in this possibility but fitting so well into these symptoms makes me wonder. It is very important to check with your doctor first, it is possible to have too much of this stuff. I am not a doctor and can not truly verify the validity of any info I share here. PC ordered some supplements, we will start them as soon as they arrive.                                                                                                                                                                                                          Moral of the story is: Be Informed! Don’t be afraid to ask your dr as many questions as possible, especially if you do not understand something. I know sometimes they make us feel like we have to rush through the appt but this is your life and your body. You deserve to be an active participant in every part of this journey!

Much Love to all!



Happy “Mothering” Day

This up-coming holiday should be called Mothering day. And from now on that is what I shall call it. Or maybe we should just add this to the list of holidays. I have ran across a few other blogs that called it “Other’s Day”.  Very clever. Clearly I lack the ability to be that clever. Anyhoo…What does Mothering Day mean?  You can replace the following with your own personal description/experiences. The meaning is yours to define. This is what it means to me…

~To those who have mothered with your heart not your arms because that’s all you could do. For a day or a month or for years.

~ To those of us who have so much motherly love and excitement saved up over the years for our potential/future child, we struggle to keep it contained.

~ To those of us who have loved/cared for a child with all of our hearts, regardless of their legal or biological relation to us. We have been through the 2am feedings, diaper changes, baby showers, birthday parties, and so much more,  all for a child we did not bear or may not even be related to.

~ To those of us who have ever had to euthanize a pet. Even worse, 2 pets AFTER your IF diagnosis. Did I love my fur babies less before my IF? Of course not. I think the loss was harder though.

 ~ To those of us who have worked at the local emergency shelter. Who spent hours upon hours tending to the infant who arrived last week with fevers, colic, poor feeding, vomiting, diarrhea and seizures brought on by her Meth withdraws. Vowing you will never forget these experiences when you become a parent, only to realize you never will. You didn’t have to go through that with her but you did. It was not your responsibility but that child’s needs came before all else.

~ To the child care worker who stayed after closing time because one dad arrived late, drunk and on a motorcycle to pick up his 1 1/5 year old daughter, so you had to wait for the police. Or how about when a new person comes to pick up one of your 3 year old students and she freezes in fear as soon as she sees him? She was scared and I believed her! As long as she had that look in her eyes, he would have to go through me first! He chose not to go through me. Her mom’s stalker ex boyfriend went to jail that day and my student went home safe.

~ To those who have actually shaved our heads because that’s what your 4 year old niece had to do before the docs took that damn tumor out of her brain. Helped change her dressings after surgery and held her when she was hurting. You best believe we rocked this look and she is a healthy 10 year old today!

~ To those of us who have sat in a room full of immediate family and prayed as your 12 month old niece took her last breath. Watching her mother’s heart shatter into pieces, meanwhile you feel the need to be the strong one. Keep it together, comfort the family.  Wishing with all your might that she could wake from the coma she has lived in every day of her short life. Knowing you would trade places with this beautiful baby girl in a heartbeat if it meant she could open her eyes for the first time ever and smile at her mom. 

~ To those of us who have had to explain to a 2 year old why his mommy is now in heaven. How do you explain a tragic car accident to a toddler? When he truly believes she is at your house because ya’ll were best friends. How do you help him understand? With all of the motherly comfort you can muster up every day in class because you are his teacher and he looks up to you! That’s how!

~ To those of us who have been barfed on by a child who was suffering from RSV. Or the less serious (but motherly love required) sneezes, coughs and boo boos we clean and comfort for the little ones in our lives. 

~ To those of us who have/have had a loved one dependant on you. The things you sacrifice for this person. Your days off, your energy (physical and mental), your money. You don’t mind at all because you love them. You would rather do it yourself for as long as you are able than leave your loved one in someone else’s hands. 

~ To those of us who have cared for a sibling in ways only their parents should have. These siblings were young. They won’t remember all you have done for them. And if they are still young/immature, they will only remember the times you couldn’t help. You didn’t do any of those things for the credit though. You did them out of love. Out of “whatever” instinct kicked in at the time so they would survive! Literally! When you were frightened for your life and you protected them, not yourself.

That is what a mother’s love is like. So technically we may not be mothers yet but many of us have already mothered! We have been on an emotional rollercoaster only “actual” mothers get credit for. So today/this weekend, I give you the credit you deserve!! Thank you, Congrats and  HAPPY MOTHERING DAY!

Side note: An hour ago this blog had a totally different point. Still Mother’s day related but with much more humor. I had the meme picked out and everything. I guess in this midst of writing that blog my mood changed and I focused on this point instead. And I know it is early but I have “Mothering Day” plans for myself this weekend and may not have time to blog.  🙂 And as always…

Much Love to all…