It started 20 years ago.


There was this boy in high school.

He was the smart kind.

He was popular.

He was the “weirdo” standing in the rain because he gave his jacket to one of the girls who didn’t have one.

He was a geek.

He noticed.

He was noticed.

He was kind, funny, interesting and fun.

That boy introduced me to Star Trek, Star Wars and much more. Boys like to teach girls stuff. That is the stuff I let this boy teach me. The purpose of the death star, the crew on starship Enterprise.

That was 20 years ago, give or take.

I married that boy. Not right away (I’m rather hard headed) but I did.

To this day, I can see the pure joy/pride on his face when I make some sort of Star Trek reference.

We just learned this week, that my uncle is selling his family business.That business meant something to us, to PC and I. And not in a business way. We have memories there, trips we took to this place before we were even dating. We were sad to hear my uncle was selling this place we have so many good memories in.

I’m sure the passing of Leonard Nimoy isn’t such a big deal for most people but for us it kinda is. For us, it’s very similar to how we feel about the family business. We have great memories that revolve around this show, around Mr. Nimoy’s character. PC hasn’t heard about this yet. I have to break the news to him this evening. I know he will be sad. Maybe it just reminds us of our age. Or of the good times, ya know before all this grown-up responsibility crap.

It’s how we started.

Rest ever so peacefully Commander Spock! LLAP!

Much Love To All!

What would you accidentally make?


So True! I wish I could do either but since I can’t accidentally make a baby, couldn’t the universe grant us the ability to accidentally make something else instead. Like pizza… Or ice cream. Or something else yummy yet less fattening?!?

Or something not edible?


I mean, it sounds fair to me!

Sorry ladies, you can’t produce a human but as a consolation prize take this ability to produce super powers!!! Um, yes please.

Does it make up for what we are missing out on. Well of course not but I might be less depressed in my invisible mansion I accidentally made with my super powers!

Haha, the fantasy is real people. I am the kind of gal that would actually waste time imaging what I would do with the power to accidentally make something. The good thing about this fantasy is that it sounds like something I would have said/done 5 years ago before any of this IF stuff even existed in my silly world full of small children. I am hopeful that one day I will get the old me back. I know, I will never be exactly the same and I am ok with that. I would really like my spunk back though. The parts of me that still saw the good in things and didn’t sweat the small stuff. The girl that absolutely LOVED being around small children and maybe teaching them or their caregivers a little something. When I used to call or text people just for the hec of it to see what was new, not a long conversation – just a short “I’m thinking about ya” kinda thing. The gal who wreaked of sarcasm, smiles, jokes, silliness and passion. Boy I miss her…

So for now, I’m going to imagine what I would accidentally make if I had that ability….

What would you make accidentally? And no “enough money to pay for fertility treatments or adopt a houseful of kiddos” is not an acceptable answer. What would you make that has nothing to do with that thing we can’t make like everyone else????

Much Love To All!

Damn it!

I wish I had a better title for this post but I just don’t.

I had a cardio appt today and I am here to write an update. I have decided that I should stick to making lists for most of my posts. I haven’t figured out how to organize my own thoughts well enough to be able to write about an event and make any sort of sense of it. I just tend to babble and whine and that is not the purpose of my blogging.

So today I am making a list of reasons why my cardio appt was frustrating.

  • The office staff at my doctor’s office are not on the same page with anyone, not even each other!
  • They are also always on their cell phones, even though every time I call I either get 1)the automated “call back during business hours” message, no matter what time I call or 2) I am on hold for an hour then the info they give me is so inaccurate I swear they made it up themselves out of thin air…
  • My doctor, although I really like her, still hasn’t interpreted my last blood tests which were taken on the 16th of this month.
  • I need those results ASAP because either way, there is a plan. If the labs reveal my thyroid is fine, then I need to schedule my gallbladder surgery so I can finally be relieved from the gallbladder symptoms. If the labs reveal a problem with my thyroid, I need to address that quickly so I can then have the surgery to be relieved of these gallbladder symptoms.
  • So that means I suffer until someone gets around to it….
  • The cardiologist mentioned, in passing, that my labs looked fine so he wants to send me home with a heart monitor for the next 2 weeks. What? So should I consider HIS interpretation of my labs or wait for my pcp? I asked him to repeat and explain what he said about my labs and he said “Yes, they look fine but I’m not a thyroid specialist”. Um, k, thanks…
  • The cardio echo tech called me back and had me take everything off from the waist up, put on the robe and then lay on the table. He was making small talk. After his questions he had a pretty good idea of why I was there. He knew I was having fertility issues along with several symptoms possibly not related. He was sympathetic to the infertile part of the convo.
  • His response to that info was a story about his 2 children and how he has custody because his ex is…let me think, how did he put it? Oh yeah, “a total piece of shit”! He then went on to tell more than one “she is a horrible parent” story, including one about how she brought their son back after her weekend with a broken arm that she never had examined!
  • Needless to say, in the middle of this exam (and his damn stories) I started having one of my episodes/hot flashes/panic attacks. What ever the hell it’s called it starting happening right in the middle of this test on my heart. My skin started to feel warm, my face (especially my lips) felt like it was on fire, heart starting racing….He noticed. He said my heart rate jumped up significantly.
  • Now I’m worried the results might not be diagnostically accurate. Will the cardio doc take “my state of mind” into consideration? Was my episode due to his stories or just coincidence?  I have been waiting a very long time for some freaking answers! I do not want to waste time focusing on the wrong area of health because of misleading test results!!! Ain’t nobody got time for that…
  • He was on his phone! It wasn’t only for personal use though. He was using it with the ultrasound equipment he was using on me. I think he had some sort of ultrasound app on his phone and he was using SIRI to speak his findings into it instead of writing them down. But it was his personal cell phone! I am not comfy with him being able to take my personal info and test results home with him! Is that normal? I have never seen this before.
  • I think he made fun of me. Or was he flirting? I doubt it but he giggled/smirked and had a weird expression on his face when he was explaining he would have to use a decent amount of pressure with the ultrasound wand due to my “large amount of breast tissue”. He was attempting to get images from the left side of my left breast while I was laying on my left side and wasn’t sure how to approach the situation. I offered to “move my breast tissue for him” but he said that wasn’t necessary. I’m sorry my girls are large and sometimes in the way but this can NOT be the first time you have run across this kind of situation in your profession! At least his words were professional. Now if he could just drop the giggles and change the facial expressions from the “hehehe, I’m a teenage boy and have never seen boobies like this up close” to maybe something more like “this is kind of embarrassing for me and probably for her as well but I would like to remain professional”, he wouldn’t come across like such a douche!

Maybe the main reason for my frustration is simply that I am no closer to answers than I was before the appt. I didn’t expect much from today’s appt but I was very discouraged when he said my thyroid looked fine. I do not want to start over at square one. I felt like we were so close to the problem with the thyroid idea and now, not so much. He did tell me to wait on the gallbladder surgery until I am finished with the heart monitor. That just means I have the privilege of suffering from my tummy symptoms for at least 2 more weeks. Ugh, I need a vacation and a stiff drink. Nevermind, I can’t have either right now. 😦

Oh heavens..My PCP office just called in the middle of this post full of frustrations to “schedule a follow up with my doc to go over my lab results”. Haha, I can feel my hair turning prematurely grey as I type…

Much Love To All!

Music Monday

I’m taking a break from posting mash-ups. Not an easy task for me because I have a great selection of them. But….

Introducing… Boyce Avenue.

If you haven’t heard these guys, you must check them out. This is one of their originals. It’s called “On my way”.

This album is amazing! They started out doing covers on youtube. That is where my sister and I found them. Alejandro, the lead singer, did a cover of “Bleeding Love” by Leona Lewis. I was hooked after seeing that video. I have seen them live several times and also had the chance to meet all 3 of them. That was back in the day, when tickets to their concerts were like 20 bucks and they were performing in venues that only held 50 people or so. They are very nice guys as well as talented. I saw them on America’s Got Talent. Not as contestants but they were the musicians on stage for the contestants.

I will probably post more of their songs/covers at some point.

I have another doctor’s appt tomorrow so I will save my health update for later on this week.

Much Love To All!

My un-reasonable reasons…

charlie brown

There is a birthday party this weekend for our nephew and I do not want to go. I have a list of reasons why. Although I do not believe some of them are very reasonable. Whether they are reasonable or not, they are only contributing to my already unmanageable anxiety. I do not need another reason for my body to feel anxious.

Un-reasonable reasons:

  • The party is with PC’s family.
  • It’s a child’s birthday party. I am still not doing well at these. I feel horrible about it because it certainly isn’t the kids fault I am struggling.
  • I haven’t bought a present yet. I know there is still time but the point is, I usually have the presents bought way ahead of time. It’s used to be part of the excitement for me.
  • The sister that is throwing the party is the one who watched (and did nothing) as our niece approached me to announce her 2nd pregnancy at the Easter party last year. Easter? It’s almost Easter again! I should be over this by now, right? Well the part that bothered me was finding out I was the only one at the party that didn’t know about this 2nd pregnancy already. Shout out to all my HSP’s out there. I knew the second I opened the front door, something was up! Everyone was acting normal but I could tell something was fixing to blow up. If you look at it from that perspective, the announcement actually made sense.
  • This sister is also the one who just bought a house. That just feeds my bitterness. I probably sound like a broken record right now but this is just another example of “things everyone can do except me”. Her and her husband weren’t even looking for a house until PC and I told them we were approved for our loan and currently looking. PC and I ran into a few obstacles and 2 weeks later they closed on their new home. I don’t like feeling this way. I am happy for them. It’s not the buying a house part that bothers me. It’s the succeeding at the very thing we are failing at.
  • The “helpful” advice from everyone plus the stares every time the babies in the family are mentioned = way too much awkward for one person to handle! Maybe this is the HSP taking over here. Maybe I read too much into things. I’m just not looking forward to that part. I don’t want to defend our decision to stop TTC. I don’t want to celebrate everyone’s successes while my heart is so hurt from all of my failures. And I can’t tell you what they think of me anymore but I know they treat me differently. I’m not sure things will ever get back to the way they were.
  • I am still uncomfortable around PC’s family because of all the “incidents” that have happened recently. I haven’t really dealt with any of them and that’s not like me. Normally I would have confronted each of them as soon as the hurt happened. And it would be over. But I didn’t. So it’s not.
  • My health. Okay, this one isn’t un-reasonable to me but as we all know, it probably looks that way to others. I don’t look sick. As a matter of fact, to them, I probably look pretty great since my gallbladder problems have caused a dramatic weight loss! They have no freaking clue what I have dealt with during this 30lbs of weight loss. I would love to gain it all back just to be healthy and happy. They can’t feel any of my IF symptoms. They can’t feel any of my new symptoms. I can’t see how they could understand what it’s like to have so many health questions for so long with no answers. Not knowing why you feel so horrible is enough to drive a sane person crazy. I don’t need to be driven crazy, I’m so close I could walk!!!!! No one understands why I haven’t made an actual plan in about 6 months. I can’t. I have no idea how I will be feeling in the future. And yes I mean even 10 minutes from now. These new symptoms make me feel like a damn prisoner. They do not make me feel like celebrating a child’s birthday.

Ok, I think I can stop ranting now. I have to make a decision soon because I think PC is under the impression we are going. I hope you all have a great, stress-free weekend. Maybe I will tell PC to go to the party and I will cash in the massage gift certificate he gave me for Valentine’s day. 🙂

Much Love To All!

Music Monday!

Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking out loud” and Sam Smith’s “Not the only one”

I have been obsessed with “mash-ups” for as long as I can remember. So it is an understatement to say I am so excited that others have not only caught on but decided to share these with the world! This version is genius! It makes me forget all of my struggles and makes my heart smile! I have a hard time not tearing up while listening to it.

I wish I had the guts to set up a mic and do this myself. Some day I will.

On a side note, I emailed our real estate agent late last night to share another property with him. I asked if he could set up a tour of the home for us today. Let’s see if he is “too busy” this time. I know it’s short notice but isn’t that what he gets paid for? If we don’t see the house first, how can we put the first offer in? If this turns out like the last one I may have to find another agent. So, even though this house is not as spectacular as the last one was (in the photos), I’m crossing my fingers. Maybe it will be more amazing in person than in the pics. The last one was. As a matter of fact, the last home made me wonder why agents don’t find beginner photographers to take the pictures they post on these sites. Some of the photos are just horrible! It looks like someone just used an old cell phone. It would be so helpful if they spent a little more time on quality photos. I scroll right past the homes that don’t have pictures or as soon as I come across a blurry one. Why would you post a blurry picture of the house you want to sell?? Anyhow, fingers are crossed!

Much Love To All!

My replacement students


What is that??? That’s a good question. This is one of my beginning pics of the Valentine’s Day ice cream cone cupcakes I made for PC and his co-workers. This is the first time I have ever made them and I think they turned out pretty darn good. It was actually a fun project. I used red velvet cake mix for the cupcakes and mini cones. Sooo cute…


Once the cupcakes were ready for icing I put them in a plastic cup. This is how I planned on wrapping them. I found it easier to apply the icing while they were in the cups. I know you can’t tell from this picture but I tried to make the icing look as much like ice cream as I could. Some of them turned out better than others. I also added some M$M’s at the bottom of the cup. Not under the cone but around it.


Here is the finished product out of it’s cup.

Kinda looks like an ice cream cone to me….


The wrapping part was more difficult than I had anticipated. Only because the cute little gift bags I bought were not quite big enough for the cups. The were tall enough, which happens to be the only thing I checked when I bought them. They just weren’t round enough. So I improvised. I cut one of the sides off each and every bag and then cut the bottoms off too. They were no longer bags but rather decorative little square gift bag material thingys. I placed one over each cup and tied it in place with ribbon. I also added bright red sprinkles on the icing  before the wrapping but neglected to get a picture of that.

I enjoyed this project more than I thought I would. Not because I like baking. But because I like spoiling the people I care about. I made these for PC and his co-workers. They are more than that though. Most of them are his friends, genuinely. He has the pleasure of working in the field he loves and excels at…computers. So naturally him and his co-workers have a lot in common. They are geeks and proud of it. I guess I am too. I wouldn’t have it any other way. These people are amazing, caring, smart and team players! They are my replacement students. While teaching, I did many things I didn’t have to. The extra projects, millions of die cuts (I cut myself!!!), birthday treats for each student and so much more. All GOOD teachers go above and beyond with no desire for the credit! And I only taught pre-k! Can you imagine what elementary teachers do? Anyhow, PC and his friends are my new students, so I will continue to make something special for holidays and occasions because they deserve to be appreciated. I miss having a class of children to take care of but these guys will do for now. 🙂

Much Love To All!

Not surprised, not surprised at all

This house hunting thing sucks big, giant….nevermind!

I am very frustrated this evening so I feel I must warn you. If you’re happy and you know it, close this tab! I thank you for clicking on my blog however, I do not want to be responsible for ruining someone else’s mood.

We put an offer in on a beautiful house and found out today we did not get it. Needless to say we are pretty upset this evening. This house was amazing! It was unique. It had personality everywhere! It even had a pool and hot tub in the back yard. It  was great. I am going to shorten this post by listing my current frustrations regarding this set back rather than whining about them all in detail…

  1. I feel like our agent dropped the ball on this one and maybe on purpose – or maybe I just need someone to blame right now.
  2. I got uncomfortable when he made a snide comment while we were in his office about how I found this house before he did.
  3. More evidence to support my theory – we offered the seller more than her asking price in order to cover the closing cost we were asking her to pay. I hear it is normal for the seller to pay closing but we were willing to add the amount to our loan so it didn’t come out of her pocket!
  4. Another suspicious fact: while we were filling out the contract our agent said there were no other offers on the house, meaning ours was the first. 2 hours later he texted me to say there were 3 offers now and the seller would make her decision Saturday.
  5. Also, in the beginning of this process he told me if I saw a house I liked, I need to jump on it! He said email him immediately and we will set up a tour. I did just that. The house only went on the market Feb 1st, I emailed him the night of the 4th (as soon as I saw it) so we could tour it on the 5th. When I called him the morning of the 5th to be sure he got my email, he said he wasn’t available to show the house that day, so we didn’t see it until the 6th. According to the rest of the info he gave us, we could have been her only offer for well over 24 hours…
  6. We didn’t ask for anything in the contract. I just can’t shake the feeling that something is fishy here…
  7. The other frustrating part is that this experience is highlighting my feelings of pure failure. Ever since my IF diagnosis my life has been full of personal failures matched with friend/family success in the same area. I know how silly that sounds, really I do. And please don’t get me wrong, for the most part, I am happy for them! It isn’t their success that hurts, it’s the timing. It’s the fact that none of them even mentioned a desire to do these things until I began to fail at doing them myself! It feels like the universe is just rubbing it in!  Here are just a few of my friend/family success stories, all of which they did not attempt until after I failed at the same thing…1) pregnancy – not just one success story here  2) a small business – not just one here either 3) buying a house 4) getting into Lego land (don’t laugh at me, it was a big deal at the time) 5) joining a gym/losing weight on purpose…I think I will stop there.

I know there are good things in store for PC and I. It’s just difficult to fail at so many things. It’s heartbreaking to watch others breeze through your dreams! I am blessed in many ways and I have no choice but to be thankful for that!

Much Love To All!

Music Monday

So I realized that last week I posted the wrong video. Although it turned out to be a pretty good video itself, it was not the one I was trying to share. Here is the video I intended to post. It fits right in with my “mash-up” theme.

This is a great video showcasing some amazing talent! It is not easy to hear an instrumental and be able to sing several different songs with it, I know, I’ve tried. I’m spending a lot of time with the program I mentioned before. I think I am getting the hang of it now. There is still a whole lot for me to learn but I am almost finished with my first project. It still needs a ton of touch ups before i let anyone but PC hear it. Hopefully I will be able to share it soon.

Still no word from the doctor about her opinion of my test results. I guess i will give her a call in the morning.

Much Love To All!