Today I am aware, part 2

My last post could have been a novel rather than the few hundred words I wrote on this site. Maybe it is just the finality of this surgery that is responsible for this whirlwind of emotions and ah-ha moments.

Maybe this is just part of what some women in my situation go through before they have a hysterectomy.

I am not sure. Either way, I am suddenly very aware of things I had only considered until now.

  • Today I am aware my husband is the only son in his family – Oh, the pressure is sometimes too much. The pressure I put on myself that is. Our last name stops with him. His DNA stops with him.
  • Today I am aware my mother will never have any more than one grandchild – My sister had a partial hysterectomy a few years after she had my niece. Granted my sister doesn’t have a very good any kind of track record in the truth telling department and at the time she was probably blaming the need for this surgery on one of her many terminal illnesses she has miraculously survived over the years, but I do believe she actually had the surgery.  I know my mother wanted more grandkids. I know she wanted one from her first born. She used to talk about that constantly.
  • Today I am aware this surgery effects more than just myself – This isn’t enough to change my mind about it but I am sad that my decision will impact my family and friends. This is also a lot of pressure for me to put on myself.
  • Today I am aware that PC checked out “emotionally” right after my diagnosis – PC and I don’t talk about this topic (IF or anything related) as often as most couples probably do. I am not good at leaning on people in my life for emotional support so not talking about it was never a problem for me. In fact, sometimes I felt as though if we did talk about it more often, he wouldn’t have the emotional energy to just be there for me on my bad days. That works well for us. Ok, that worked well for us until now. The nurse called the other day to schedule my surgery. I told her I wasn’t ready to pick a day because we still aren’t positive what day we are closing on the house. (one life changing event at a time please). After I hung up…well, let’s just say PC “checked back in”. It all hit him at once.
  • Today I am aware that PC doesn’t experience daily reminders in the same way I do – Well of course not in the same way but maybe not even as often. I realize I have been grieving for the past 4 years and he has not. He has the luxury of not thinking about this stuff so he can focus on work or me or…etc. I don’t have that option. I mean how do you train your brain to think about rainbows and kittens while your uterus is busy practicing it’s sword fighting skillseverything inside your body? No seriously, if anyone knows how to do that please share with the class…

Most of the things I have mentioned are things I was already aware of. Things I have cried about several times in the past. For some reason I am thinking and feeling them with my whole mind, body and spirit now.

So where  do I go from here? PC is the most supportive hubby ever. But I don’t want him to keep his opinions of this surgery to himself (thinking he is supporting me by doing so) only to realize afterwards that he resents me for it. His reaction after that phone call was heartbreaking for me. I was angry that he was just now joining me on this painful journey. I was confused because I thought we were on the same page in regards to surgery but his questions made feel think other wise. I was sad. I could see the hurt in his eyes and it was crushing. He is going to need time to process this and I pray with all of my heart I can be patient enough to give him that.
Have you had a total hysterectomy? How did your partner handle it? How does a marriage survive this kind of thing? Will he ever be ok with this? Should I be expected to put my health on hold until he does? I mean, I’m staring down this tunnel ever one keeps talking about. I don’t see a light but I do see a future with out pmdd symptoms. I know this surgery won’t cure my endo but this no pmdd thing sure sounds like heaven to me! How do I stop heading down this very attractive tunnel, to give PC time to process, with out growing bitter and resentful for having to do so? I would greatly appreciate any suggestions/input!

  • Today I am aware that Today PC is aware…

Much Love To All!

7 responses to “Today I am aware, part 2

  1. I imagine you must have a lot on you mind right now. Sometimes husbands (men) are not the best at listening with things that are important to us or concerning to us as women. I think their brains, in general, are not hardwired for listening … the simple act of listening without offering advice, opinions, changing the subject or flat out tuning out.

    I have some links about this emotional decision:

    AND finally …

    I know that’s a LOT of links to give a person, but I’ve thought quite a bit about the subject of support and my hysterectomy. I hope there may be some comforting words for you somewhere in one of those posts!


    • Wow, that is a lot of info! I will take all I can get though. I appreciate it. PC is a typical “man” in that sense, the not listening part. He looks like he’s listening, even responds but he doesn’t “hear” me. I just didn’t think he would be taking it this hard. Thanks again for the links and hugs back atcha!

      • He’s just a typical guy — not bad or good … just a “man” and that’s how they are. I recommend the book, “Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps” — very cheap on — used book for a penny!!! And you could order two, so PC could read along with you! It’s the best easy quick down & dirty book I ever read about the difference in sexes and explains a lot to this day! Good luck!

        • I will check it out. We have read “The Five Love Languages”, another great read. We have to re-read it every once in a while though. It’s easy to forget the important stuff after a few months and one’s “love language” can change over time.

          • LOVE that book. It taught me so much. I think about it often when giving gifts or doing things for people or things I write in cards … always wondering if that is “their” love language. My husband has not read the book, but I did explain the concepts to him — he got it. 🙂

            • Same here! I have given away at least 3 copies as gifts in the past 6 months or so. PC and I learned so much. He actually discovered it and read it before showing me. It has been very helpful.

  2. FIVE LINKS ABOVE: 1) emotional hysterectomy, 2) support — it’s very important, 3) my secret hysterectomy, 4) why I don’t tell people I’ve had a hysterectomy, and 5) disenfranchised grief.

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