To sit here crying or to sit here emotionless? Which one is more scary?
Facebook strikes again!!
I decide to get on facebook and play a few games to wind down and my newsfeed jumps out and slaps me in the face. PC’s little cousin (actually his cousin’s daughter, long story there…) is in labor! I am not sure how old she is exactly but I believe somewhere around 19 or 20 yrs old. Anyhow, She is another one of those countless girls who surprised us with a pregnancy announcement. Not only was it a surprise because she is young but also because last time she visited us she was “very gay” (in her words) and brought her girlfriend to meet the family! We didn’t even know she had broke up with her girlfriend when she “accidentally got pregnant” (again her words). I have had some time obviously to swallow this whole accidental thing, for me these are the more difficult announcements to handle. Ok, so back to the newsfeed/slap part. One of her friend’s just announced the baby has been born and now said friend is SAD BECAUSE SHE IS THE ONLY ONE PREGNANT NOW, ALL BY HERSELF! You poor little lonely bitch!
I am sure this should not bother me to the extent that it does but c’mon!! I know a lot of us have expressed our frustrations about the “kind” of mothers that make us more sad than others. I mean the ones who just don’t appreciate it, deserve it or even want it! This cousin falls into all of those categories! My heart hurts. I don’t believe in airing other people’s dirty laundry and, even if I did, it wouldn’t be productive for this purpose. I do feel comfortable saying this particular side of the family does not have a good “parenting track record” and have shown zero signs of improvement or breaking the cycle. Again, my heart hurts.
I ask myself sometimes why I even cry anymore. I mean it doesn’t change anything. It hardly makes me feel better. My face hurts. My eyes are bloodshot and swollen. It makes PC sad when I cry. So why is that such a natural reaction to these events. I want to be able to be happy for new parents again. I used to be the person everyone called almost first when they found out they were expecting. Not only because they knew I would be there for them but because they knew I would be excited for them! They asked for my advice (because of my experience I guess). I was usually the first to know, the first they call when they got scared during the pregnancy for whatever reason, one of the first to see ultrasounds, the one throwing the baby shower because I have thrown some bad ass showers and many times the one holding their hands during labor. Now I’m the one with the family/friends who get together to discuss how to break it to me. While I very much appreciate their delicate steps (for many reasons) it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart because I very much enjoyed helping my friends and family through their first pregnancy experience. I never claimed to be a doctor or an expert but they all knew that. I felt useful and needed. Who doesn’t enjoy that feeling? That’s one of the reasons I enjoyed teaching so much. Again, not an expert there either but I had the passion, patience and heart for it like no one else. And I was really good at it! I was the teacher that gave her cell number to her parents! Yes, my cell number. I can’t teach anymore. Not anytime soon anyways. I’m the surgeon who suffered an injury to the hand and now can not operate. Not only has my home life been affected but now I can’t do one of the only things I’m good at. I would love to go back to my last job but even if I could get past my sadness and teach, how could I face all the parents who know me so well and were waiting for me to finally have kids of my own. Some of those parents were even participants in my wedding shower at work. They have been waiting since 2003 for me to make an announcement. Well, I guess that is why I cry. All of that and then some. So again I wonder would I rather cry about it or feel no emotion at all? Although the answer is almost irrelevant on account the crying is many times involuntary. No matter which one I would prefer I have a feeling the crying will still be my “choice” but sometimes I wish my heart were a little more cold and I could just once…not feel it!
It is never easy to prepare for a pregnancy announcement even when you are highly suspicious that it is coming. It is even harder when you are completely blindsided by the friend that was “totally done” with having babies, an unwed cousin, or a workplace nemesis. This article will help help you escape from that awful situation so that you can cry in solitude.
First, identify your safe cry place. Your vehicle is usually a good idea but if that is not a possibility, a bathroom stall is okay if you can wail silently. Other options might include a psychiatric ward of a hospital, a funeral service, or a feminine product aisle of your neighborhood Walmart.
Then, make a list of trigger words/phrases so that you can react swiftly. These phrases may include but are not limited to:
I have been dying to tell you…
I have some big news…
When my heart finally roars I hope it is loud enough to be heard across the country! Yes the chaos is disturbing to say the least but somehow, somewhere, sometime we will come out of it stronger. Maybe not in all aspects of our lives but stronger nonetheless…And I for one will take any amount of strength I can get.
It’s 4 o’clock am and I am nowhere near tired. I’m yawning but we all know that means nothing when it comes to insomnia. So here I am blogging. I promised an update anyways so that’s what I will do.
Update: Dr. appt went as expected. He was very confused why the meds weren’t helping me. I expressed my concerns regarding the connection between my current symptoms and my infertility. He didn’t have a response to that. His only reaction after jotting down many unknown lines, was to put me back on the combination of meds I was on a few years ago. Ya know, the ones that didn’t work either. I accepted right there in his office, that he did not see a connection and was still convinced I needed to be medicated for bipolar. I smiled, checked out, and phoned my new primary care doc as soon as I got to my car. I made an appt with her for March 3rd. I hope to get another plan together then.
I have gone thru so many doctors in these past 2 years. Is there something going on here I just can’t see? Am I giving up on these doctors for no reason at all? I just don’t feel like I have found the right one for me. Is this selfish? What happened to the good ol days when you had one doctor. Yes just one. Sure you were still sent to a specialist when needed. But the results were sent to this one dr and you went back to THAT ONE to go over the results. I need a ring leader! That’s what I need, a ring leader. Wishful thinking I suppose. Still waiting for the magnificent part but I do not doubt it is on it’s way.
If you have read a few of my blogs you have seen me mention bipolar a lot. I was diagnosed Bipolar 2 in 2005. Apparently that is the less severe form of it. I don’t believe in my heart that is what I have but here is a little back story explaining how this diagnosis happened.
Around 2005 I had what some consider to be a nervous breakdown. I pretty much changed everything in my life very suddenly except the car I drove. I divorced my hubby, quit my job, moved in with a women whom I had a relationship with for almost a year. All I knew was I wasn’t happy and had to do something about it. My mood swings were out of control. I knew I was hurting my loved ones, especially my hubby, so I had to get out of there. There meaning my current life. I couldn’t put my hubs thru my mental outbursts any longer and thought he would be better off without me. After the smoke cleared-so to speak-I knew I was not doing the right thing but it somehow felt like the right thing at the time. I was so emotional and overwhelmed after divorcing the hubs and moving in with this girl, I lost 32 ponds in 2 weeks. Couldn’t hold anything down. I was happy with my girlfriend. She was amazing but deep down I knew this was not the answer. Everyone just told me I was going thru a phase (being in this lesbian relationship) and it wouldn’t last but oh let me tell ya this was no phase! I loved her very much. Not in the same way I love PC tho. I never got over him while we were divorced. My family is very open-minded and couldn’t care less who I was in a relationship with as long as it was a healthy one. I have several gay friends and love them all dearly. The prob was I had never really found myself attracted to women so it was kind of strange for me. I even picked up drinking, this was never my thing (then again neither was dating women). And when I say picked up I mean, I would have bathed in it if I could have. Now, I do believe my childhood played a part in my sudden changes. Part of me just needed a break. But in hind sight, I am not so sure about that!
Anyone suffer from PMDD?? I have researched this and boy do I fit that mold. EVERY single one of the symptoms are the exact symptoms that were considered to diagnose me with bp. I took this little online test and I got 99 out of 100! Now I know you can’t trust or believe everything you see online but I got my info from sites I have visited several times. From what I can tell by talking with my dr most of the info I have gathered has been accurate. In addition, I realized the other night that my horrible symptoms I was suddenly experiencing which led to my emotional breakdown, started shortly after I stopped taking the bc pill. Now I can’t believe I never figured that one out. My symptoms were out of control and I had no explanation. I am not completely sure how or why getting off the pill affected me the way it did -if that was the cause of my craziness – but I plan on finding out real soon!!
So I have an appt with the last dr who gave me meds for bipolar 3 months ago. I had stopped taking my bipolar meds about 2 years ago, I’m not even sure why. And until kind of recently I was functioning pretty well for the most part. But my mood swings came back and usually it was extreme anger. I mean you would have thought PC had cheated on me or something by the way I acted when he forgot to take the trash out. For the record he has never and would never do that! 😦 Well I went to this new dr and he prescribed me a very different medication than I was taking a few years ago. He said the best way to tell if I actually did suffer from bp was to take the meds and if they worked that’s what it was. The problem is I have always felt like bipolar was not the right diagnosis for me. I thought the last medication I was on for it did help but now I feel like there could be another explanation as to why I was doing so well for so many years. I plan on sharing my concerns with this dr at tomorrows appt and I hope he listens well. I am going to make sure I tell him about the effect I believe the bc pill had. I will keep you all updated as soon as I get some answers. In the mean time, if anyone has anything they could add that would be helpful, please feel free. I need all the info I can get right now. Please and thank you!
As of Friday night I have decided not to take that nanny job after all and here the drop that filith my cup over! So, lesson of the week (ok, year)… Do NOT under any circumstance babysit a five month old overnight! Not even a family member. I can’t believe I even agreed to do it. And the sad part is, it wasn’t for any specific reason! I even offered! The parents had no plans and if that isn’t enough, I agreed to do this on Thursday night, over night. So PC came home from work on Valentine’s day to a baby in the house. Man when I screw up, I do it with all of my might and power.
I didn’t realize the effects it would have on me. I hadn’t had a baby in the house in so long and I just wanted a little “fix”. Get it out of my system. I absolutely enjoyed the whole visit. He was a happy happy baby. Smiling and laughing almost the entire time. I was even enjoying myself when he woke up from his nap screaming his head off. Turns out he was congested, teething and suddenly constipated. Not a happy camper any more. When his parents came to pick him up I gave them several suggestions for his constipation and his teething. Their opinions of those two were more than frustrating to me. They decided he was now a biter! Really?? He never once used his only tooth when gumming every thing in sight. I don’t believe I was able to convince them he wasn’t biting, he was teething. Ugh…
The real problem is that about 2 hours after they left I suddenly started bawling. I mean crazy-scary face, bending over as to not fall, heart hurting, sounding like an injured seal kind of sobbing. It has been a while since I have done that. I was actually kind of confused about this reaction because I have recently been feeling like I didn’t want to pursue this TTC journey. So why am I so traumatized after this night of babysitting? Why did I feel so broken? Like I am damaged goods. PC hates it when I say that but I can’t help but feel that way. I just want this nightmare to be over. I want to be normal again. I don’t want my family to have to ask me every time we talk “how are you doing?” I don’t want the pity or sympathy. BUT at the same time I love them all for it! I appreciate their love and concern Especially when my biological family couldn’t care less. They don’t really have the ability to show emotions of any kind. I often wonder how my life would be if I had never wanted kids, therefore never finding out I couldn’t have them. Obviously I would feel differently but it just doesn’t feel fair. Of course that brings up the anger I feel about the “non-qualified” parents all around me who accidentally got pregnant. So many emotions and feeling that I am just so tired of feeling. I have certainly realized that I have no choice here but to start going back to the endo. NOT a RE but just a regular ole endo. I am not happy with these pregnancy/menopause symptoms. the hot flashes have gotten so much worse. The mood swings are off the charts. I am sorry for complaining but I thank all of you for being my only support. Even if no one comments on my posts or “likes” them or even follows me, for whatever reason it is still comforting to know I am sharing my feelings with people who can truly say they understand.
Let’s start with the bad. Rough week. My moods have been all over the place and today was particularly stressful. I had spotted for a couple of days before I actually started. No cramps, just spots. I haven’t done that in a while. This made me nervous enough to test. Due to my bi-polar meds I have no choice but to test every time there is a change in my body. I can’t afford to be on this bi-polar medication while pregnant. The risk is too high and I am high risk already. As luck would have it, very shortly after my expected negative result, I started. I still managed to go to my check up with the pcp today. More frustrating news to add to this mood. My cholesterol is through the roof. Vitamin D is very low. Not only do the results make me feel bad but PC’s results actually improved since our last blood work. What?? I do the cooking! We eat the same things usually except he eats MORE. Even tho he has a job, he has a desk job, so not much more exercise than me. After our last appt I even made several changes to our diet. Feels like just more health issues I can;t figure out how to fix. I’m fighting a battle with no armor or weapons of my own. I was ready to crawl into bed and after grabbing our prescriptions, that was the plan. While at the drugstore I noticed a mother pushing a stroller with an infant in it. Probably 4 months old or so. She also had 2 older boys, they looked 4 and 5 years old. She sat the older boys in an isle near the pharmacy and roamed the store with her stroller. The boys pulled several toys off the shelf and played with them as they sat in the middle of the wrapping paper isle. I didn’t pay much attention at first, I thought she was just around a corner I couldn’t see. As PC and I were leaving the pharmacy section I realized she was nowhere to be seen and the boys had made their way to the front door of the store. Still no mom in sight. The doors opened as PC and I approached and one of the boys walked right out the door with us!!!! Excuse me? He was laughing and hiding from the other boy. Clueless to how dangerous this was.(Of course he was clueless he was like 4 years old!!) Not only was he walking into a parking lot alone but the store is located right off a main road. It would have only taken him seconds to reach a 4 lane road during rush hour traffic. I could feel the rage building up in my body. I sighed, turned to the little boy with my hand on his shoulder and said “Hold on buddy, I need you to head back in there and find your mom. Ok?” He smiled and ran back in with no objection. I turned back around and fought the tears all the way to the car. I know children can wander off even when they are supervised well. My niece used to find it amusing to crawl into the round clothing racks with the intentions of jumping out to scare me. I get that. HOWEVER…. The gift bag isle is not considered supervision and it is sad that some people don’t know that!! Ok Ok, on to the “good” part.
Lately I have occupied myself with these 2 diaries I found. Years ago when my nana passed away, I found these diaries with her book collection. They belong to a man I have never heard of and so far non of my relatives recognize the name either. The contents of these diaries are so interesting I can’t put them down. They are the accounts of a navy man out at sea in the 1920’s!! 1923 thru 1925 to be exact. There are time gaps throughout and his cursive handwriting is not always legible but so interesting. He is very detailed in his entries. He talks about the country he is in, the weather, his friends, waiting on letters from the “home folk” and more. I have absolutely loved reading these. My mission is to maybe find his family and return the books to them. I’m sure they would enjoy reading so many of his thoughts even more than I have. I have actually researched many of the details he writes about. Names of ships, ports…etc. he mentions a lodge he stayed at before he went out to see. he said it was in Norfolk Nebraska. never heard of that place. I thought he made some sort of typo. I know personally a naval base/area in Norfolk Virginia but Nebraska?? Turns out there is and the lodge he mentioned is still there and up and running too. So cool! It’s like getting lost in a fictional book and although I know it’s a true story, I still get lost in the moment. Like I am actually there on the deck waiting for the President Wilson to arrive with the letters from home. I relate to his changes in mood. Every day he feels differently about where he is, not just in life but literally where he is on the map. So, the positive I take from today is… I’m not on a ship in the middle of the Philippines suffering from these hot flashes in this man’s Air conditioner “free” room getting paid less than $7 per diem!!!
These days I seem to look for the little things throughout my day that MIGHT give my heart some sort of smile. Anything will do. A winning scratch off lottery ticket, any Disney movie – little things that usually don’t mean too much. This morning I was very happy to witness a sudden and exciting miracle. (Well at least for my the city I live in.) Now I didn’t feel the happy immediately. I actually went to sleep earlier last night than usual because I had some errands to run today. Suddenly I woke to a strange sound outside after about 2.5 hours. I have this best friend called Insomnia.I have been trying to break up with her for years. So when I am awaken from the little sleep I can sneak in when Insomnia isn’t paying attention, I am not happy. Pretty cranky in fact. Well I peek out the window after the frustration wears off a bit and this is what I see…
This kind of weather may be a common occurrence for some of you but I live in San Antonio Texas. This is certainly not a common occurrence at all to say the least! Why does this white stuff falling from the sky make those of us who don’t see if often, so happy?? I mean really, we aren’t exactly prepared for this kind of weather down here in the south. It causes problems on the roadways, closed schools or delayed school until the temp rises enough, You would think we would not be excited about this, and I’m sure some aren’t, but I certainly am. As of last night our temps weren’t even expected to drop below freezing. So most of us were absolutely not expecting to wake up to this. Now, this VERY SUDDEN change in weather is pretty darn ironic for me. This is the reason…..
I JUST began reading a new book, “59 seconds” by Richard Wiseman. He focuses on this method of self-help called Quirkology. The chapter I ended on last night recommended starting a journal/diary. But not just any journal, not the usual “write down your feelings” or “give yourself an outlet to vent” kind of thing. It suggested writing positive things. This book is sort of an unconventional way of “thinking good thoughts”. The author provides a schedule of 5 journal entries a week (one for each day) and for each one he spells out what your entry should be about. One of the days is supposed to be an entry of positive things that you want to happen that would make you happy. Again small things, large things, whatever comes to mind at the time of your writing. As I was reading the purpose of each day, I couldn’t help but notice I was struggling to think about examples of each in my life. Except for the entry I just explained, the things you wish would happen. This peculiar white stuff was the first thing that came to my mind when reading that day’s entry!!! Then I wake up to this. It gave me hope! In fact, it made me cry. Now, I don’t believe “everything happens for a reason”. I have never believed that and maybe it is a result of my very challenging childhood. Don’t misunderstand me, I do my fair share of praying and I have seen MANY things in my life that I know, without a doubt, could only have been an act of GOD! I know HE protects us in HIS own way. I have to admit this SUDDEN weather change feels like a sign!! Again, I know it might be a small kind of miracle for some, or not even considered a miracle for others, but I am not experiencing many of those these days so I will take it!!! For the past two years or so I keep telling myself, and many others, to just take life one day at a time. That is all we can do sometimes to “stay above water”. Ladies, I urge you to seek things in your day that you might usually take for granted. The positive things seem to be a good way to make it through the day. If we begin to do this on a regular basis it might just do wonders for our moods. I will be blogging periodically about this book, I’m sure. I am hopeful the author is on to something here. The chapters I read last night are already making so much sense. So I will keep ya’ll posted as I see fit. And after I finish these books, I ordered 3 books from him, I will sum up my opinion of his views.