The past few days have been more stressful than usual. My anger is at it’s peak. I feel as though I spend my whole life explaining myself to people. “Sorry ______, I’m not going to be able to make it to the party”. That’s prompts the “Oh, why not?” My brain is saying “because I just don’t f-ing wanna!!!” People say they understand but they never will. I did realize that it is my responsibility to inform them. They will never know how it feels unless I tell them. My best friend helped me realize this just the other day. Her is how the conversation went…
- Me: Telling her about a conversation I had with a relative and I said the words “Even going to the grocery store will never be the same for me!! The bank, the department store (especially the ones with a kids section) or even just driving sown the damn highway watching an adult driver text, going 80 mph with 3 kiddos in the back. Nothing will ever be the same.
- Her: Wow….. Why can’t you go to the grocery store??? (very confused tone at this point)
- Me: How do you think it makes me feel when I am walking down the aisle, I see a woman with a baby in her cart and she is yelling at the child and slapping their hands off of the shelves. In most people’s eyes she is probably not doing a darn thing wrong, but in mine, she is breaking my heart. Or How about when I even park?? My HEB has more than one “with child” parking spot AND several more for “expecting mothers”. No matter how bad my back is hurting or how hot my hot flashes are in TX, I have to walk further than they do. Is that right? It probably is to a normal person. But it doesn’t feel right to me! Let’s fast forward to checkout. Everyone has witnessed the person playing with their Iphone while paying with their food stamps!! Hello!!!!!! Can you even imagine how devastated I feel when that person has children with them. Usually it is more than one, whining and crying, getting ZERO attention, and (like I witnessed last week) only wearing a diaper! Don’t get me wrong, I grew up as poor as it comes. I used food stamps back in the day as a teenager when they were actual paper coupons you had to count (like real money) and rip out of the booklet while the line behind you waited patiently. Needing help is not the problem. The “claim” you need help as you have a new smartphone, children, and drive away in your shiny SUV is the problem.
- Her: Oh. -silence- I had no idea going grocery shopping was like that for you.
We were friends well before my IF journey began. I’ve cried on the phone with her, she was one of the first people I told….. It just doesn’t sink in for them until you spell it out! I didn’t expect everyone to understand this diagnosis and to adjust accordingly to this journey. But I realize now, even though they know what this diagnosis means for us, they don’t know the extent of its effects!!! That is my job. To tell them.
PC’s family and I are having issues at the moment since the whole Easter fiasco. I’m not sure how to get things back to the way they were. Maybe the way things were doesn’t work anymore. I have some decisions to make. I am supposed to help out my SIL next week. She is having surgery and I was going to stay at her house and care for her three kids while she is in the hospital. I was up for it a month ago. Now, I want to cancel. I’m not comfortable with it for several reasons. In addition to that, there are FOUR kid’s birthday parties in the family between now and the beginning of June! Four. How am I supposed to do that much kid shopping and partying in 2 months? Plus, I’m sure it won’t be long before they start planning the baby shower for the damn surprise announcement I got on Easter Sunday.
Sometimes I wonder how much more of this I can take.