One small victory at a time.

So here is another perspective post! I will get right down to the point here so you can decide if you want to read the rest of my mumbo jumbo this morning. Knowing and understanding HSP is helping me deal with my infertility!! Am I “over it” as was suggested by a ridiculous family member? Nah. But I am marking yesterday/last night down in the books as a small victory! And here’s why…

I spent time with family yesterday. My family is, well let’s use the word “unique” for the moment. Yes, my family is unique. As a matter of fact, I have wanted to write a book about my family for many years but I wouldn’t know where to start. (if any of you could help with this please let me know) Readers would be certain it was a fictional novel I’m sure of it! Anyhow, There were many moments yesterday I just wanted to break out in tears and start cursing at everyone in the room. Let’s just say there was an overwhelming amount of “daily reminders” those of us in the IF world dread so much. Well this post is not about listing all of the wrongs in my family. I will not spend my time complaining about them. I am just trying to paint a picture of my state of mind yesterday. The point is, I noticed a difference between how I reacted yesterday as opposed to any time in the recent past. For the very first time, I recognized the negative energy creeping into my body while sitting in my aunt’s house and I didn’t allow it to take over! I’m not 100% sure how it worked to be honest. The only changes I consciously made was, I focused on my breathing when I started feeling out of balance, redirected my self talk and I was wearing my black tourmaline around my neck.

The results were amazing. Now, let me be clear here. I did NOT notice these results right at that moment. Or at all yesterday. I felt like I was struggling all day to keep my composure. I am speaking retrospectively. (is that a word???)  I feel the difference this morning! I recognize how I feel this morning. I did not cry myself to sleep last night. I didn’t pour me a drink. I didn’t blare spotify all night until I felt some sort of emotional release. I had dinner with PC, made tea, took a shower then went to bed. I downloaded a white noise app (recommended for everyone!!!!) and fell asleep, to the relaxing sound of rain and thunder, soon after midnight. I haven’t fallen asleep before 5 am in so long.  I woke around 6 am in a great mood. I felt rested. Relaxed.

I finally paid attention to my mind, body and soul last night.

My question is..Can self talk really be this important? I know I haven’t elaborated on self talk yet but I feel like that was an important part of my efforts yesterday. It is also the part of being HSP that I have been skeptical about. I mean, all I have to do is change my negative self talk into positive self talk? I may dedicate another blog to this subject but any thought would be appreciated. Have a great day everyone.

Much Love To All.

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I am the definition of confused.

My head is spinning at an unrealistic rate right now. So many thoughts, emotions, possibilities..

This HSP stuff has me stummmmpppped…

I went out and purchased about $40 worth of crystals today for my chakras. WHAT IS A CHAKRA??? I mean, I know what it is (kind of) but what do I do with these crystals? And why did I feel like I needed them if I didn’t even know what they are for or how to use them? I just don’t know.

Maybe my HSP is what “caused” my Bipolar episode years ago. If I even have Bipolar after all. I mean, what Bipolar 2 patient only has ONE manic episode in their entire life? If I’m not, why did the meds “seem” to work for so long?

Maybe I was not having any HSP signs at that time. I don’t believe I did as a child. Although I hear that is common in HSPs who had a challenging home life like mine. I wasn’t free to be myself. I didn’t have that choice. Myself was a small child. I had to be a responsible adult figure in my house. These days, my marriage is in the best shape ever and I feel safe and secure for the first time. My subconscious says: “Oh you feel safe and secure? Great, well here are all of the emotions you have been holding onto for all these years. Have fun.”   That is pretty much how my therapist put it. Is that possible?

Maybe that manic episode was just hormone related.

Maybe it was both hormones and HSP/Empath.

Am I an Empath? One website points to yes, one points to almost…(Why can’t we believe everything on the internet? I want answers.)

Maybe I am psychic. I have experienced some crazy stuff that had my friends, family and once even my boss, worried about my mental health. BUT they could not deny the facts. I was right. My predictions (unfortunately) came true. Why does that happen to me? Dreams that predict the most unfortunate of futures?? Who does THAT?

Maybe I don’t want to know if I am a psychic. I don’t want to suffer from the same problem little miss “Ghost Whisperer” had. Umm, no thanks! Wait, that would be kinda cool now that I think about it.

Maybe my mind is so interested in all of this new info because it gives me a “break” from feeling my IF related emotions every second of every day. PC and I did go to the grocery store the other day without incident. Usually I fight back tears at least once while shopping.

Maybe I’m just a weirdo.

Maybe I’m just scared. All of these “possibilities” still feel like labels to me.

Maybe I have no choice but to investigation. It might be my only chance to rule out the possibilities that do not apply to me. 

Too many maybe’s for my liking.

The bottom line is…The only fact that I have, literally in my hands, is my IF probs. Lab work, tests, no pregnancy after about 10 years of TTC..those kinds of things. Until I can prove or disprove this other stuff, I am willing to consider all possibilities.

I hope that you all can be patient with me (and my blogs). I am not aware of “blog etiquette” so feel free to let me know if I am breaking a rule by not sticking strictly to the subject I started this blog with. It will still be about that. I still have moments, like the recent movie theatre incident, that send me straight into “I have to vent this to my IF family STAT, they will understand” mode. I just might be adding unrelated posts now and then. Thank you all for your support and kindness. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go lay down, relax and put this purple rock on my forehead for a few minutes…or is it the orange one? Nope, it’s the purple one. The orange ones go on my belly…Ugh!  🙂

Much Love To All…

Was that the right thing to do?

So I had somewhat of a meltdown tonight. I believe I did the right thing. I am always afraid I am overreacting. This has never been a concern in the past so I’m kind of confused about that part. Here is how my evening transpired…

PC and I went out for an early dinner/late lunch. It was great. We were having a great time. I even ran into a former co-worker. It was nice to catch up a little. We headed to the movie theatre after dinner. 22 Jump Street sounded like a great comedy to wrap the evening up with. We sat down with our soda and watched our favorite part…the previews. During said previews 3 small children entered our theatre. Alone. The oldest couldn’t have been over 11 or 12. The youngest looked about 5 or 6. Not long after the movie started their mother came in, dropped off some snacks and left! PC and I tried to enjoy the movie but this is an R rated film and these children were directly in front of me! I was so uncomfortable! It was hard not to lose my sh@t with every curse/slang word I heard (every 3 seconds or so). I waited as long as I could for someone to show up for these kids. Never happened!  Then Channing Tatum’s character jumped into a bed, hit his head and his partner said “AAAHHHHH, that’s C_M!! There’s already C_M on your bed!” I went looking for a manager and found one. She was so kind and I could tell my emotions were obvious to her. She explained that 17 year olds and up can watch a movie without an adult present. 6 year olds through 17 required an adult to be in the movie auditorium with them. The adult need not sit right next to the child but has to be in the same movie with them. 6 yr olds and under are not allowed in R rated movies even with an adult. Wait!! What????? A 6 yr old can watch an R rated movie with an adult?? We’ll come back to that. Anyhow I explained these children were not with an adult and obviously NOT 17 yrs old. She appeared concerned. I was relieved. I also explained I wasn’t upset with the theatre itself I just wanted to know what the rules were regarding age and if I should just come back another time. I apologized for causing problems. Again,  for whatever reason I am afraid of overreacting these days.

I watched the manager and 2 other employees head towards the theatre I was in. I headed for the restroom to collect myself. My hands were shaking, I was sweating… I stepped into a stall and cried. As quietly as I could. My heart was hurting and I couldn’t pretend it wasn’t. I sat on a bench outside the theatre PC was still sitting in. I watched as the manager walked out with the 3 children I told her about. I joined PC again but we ultimately decided to just leave. I had missed a lot of the movie anyways and I wasn’t sure I could enjoy the rest of it. Plus, the kind manager had already told me whether we stay or not, she was going to get us a few free tickets for future visits.

It turns out their mother dropped them off in 22 Jump Street and she went to watch Tammy. The youngest girl was exactly 6 years old! I didn’t get the age of the older boys but 9 and 12 is the oldest I would guess them to be. She used a freakin R rated movie as a babysitter!!!! If she just had to watch her movie and couldn’t find a babysitter (this is still wrong in my opinion) why didn’t she send them to one of the CHILDREN’S  MOVIES AVAILABLE. It is not right. I wanted to call the cops!

It’s just another reminder. A reminder of my health, my damaged body, damaged emotions and anger. I think I have my feelings in check and then something like this happens and it takes all my will power to contain my anger. Why  do people like that even get the opportunity to become parents. I don’t have a choice in the matter at all!. Yes I know this mother is not the worst parent in the world. I have seen the horrors of “the worst” parents in the world. Unfortunately that doesn’t make if feel any better. I wish it did. For all I know she is a great parent. I don’t know. I guess all I can do is pray for her. And for my sanity at this point. I hope you all had a great weekend. Thank you for letting me vent.

Much Love.

Our Infertility Rap Sheets

What a great post! Worth reading for sure!

Ever Upward™

Ever Upward is growing. My world is expanding. My recovery is strengthening.

Which also means my shamed silence is triggered more often. Even though my shame resilience has grown as a result of my practicing recovery.

As I meet more and more people in the infertility world, blogging or otherwise, I am finding myself comparing my story to theirs. I have always been uncomfortable with the TTC (trying to conceive) timelines. I am especially uncomfortable when our About pages and Twitter bio’s are our TTC timelines full of numbers and acronyms.

What I have come to realize is that my discomfort is simply a result of my shame being triggered.

The numbers we share to describe ourselves; how many miscarriages, cycles, IUIs, IVFs, BFNs, etc.* Hell, I have my numbers in my bio (two rounds of IVF and three never to be babies). I thought I included these because…

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