Not sure how to handle this

Sometimes you have to take a step back to decide if a situation is going to be more helpful to you or hurtful? This is one of those times for me.

I talked about a death in the family in my last post. Now my aunt has asked me to say a few words at the informal memorial service we are having soon, because I am an ordained minister. Well I am not comfortable with this. And technically, it wasn’t even the aunt who lost her hubby that asked me to do this, it was a different aunt who made the suggestion. I thought it was a great idea at first but now I can’t stop thinking of how I am going to get out of this. I know that sounds horrible to most but it’s how I feel. There are so many reasons why I think this is a bad idea but here a handful of them…

  • My whole family will be there. For the most part, my family and I do not get along and never will! Let’s just say they are one of my most discussed topics in therapy.
  • Yes, I am an ordained minister. No I have never handled a memorial service. Actually this is sort of a new thing for me. I have only performed one marriage so far. So, this may be a task I do not have enough experience for quite yet.
  • The aunt who suggested I do this was very UNsympathetic when I expressed hesitation. The way she was talking, she made it sound like it was my obligation, like why wouldn’t I? By the end of that phone convo I was very uncomfortable.
  • I haven’t reached out to any of my family about my HSP. I have zero confidence they would even try to understand and even if they could understand, I know most of them wouldn’t care. So it would really be a waste of time to explain it all to them. I actually haven’t shared that subject with anyone except PC, all of you and my EX best friend. (I am going to write a post about her later this week)
  • I suffer from panic attacks. I don’t have them as often as I used to – probably because I have become a very content hermit in the past year or so. Several things can cause one and many times I have no idea what caused it. The common denominator in most of them though is being in front of a crowd. Especially a crowd of people I am not comfortable being around. I would rather be in the middle of a crowd of strangers.
  • I am currently struggling with several “issues” in life that I feel might get in the way of giving a meaningful service. How can I stand up there and focus my energy on such a sentimental moment when my heart is full of anger, sadness, resentment…etc, I don’t think it’s right. I kind of feeling like it would be dishonest. Dishonest for me to speak G#D’s word with such an ungrateful heart. Especially when I know that many of the people that will be there are the reason I am struggling with these feelings. Now this I KNOW my family won’t understand.
  • Then to sum the last two reasons up, why would I punish my poor aunt for things others have done? This is where the guilt takes over. How terribly selfish is that? She didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not her fault the rest of my circle sucks! This is a special circumstance and I should adjust. Right?

I am so confused about all of this. I know people who can make these kinds of decisions in a matter of seconds. Either they “can” do it or they “can’t”. Why do I put so much thought into some things and not others. It’s not like this decision is similar to deciding which shoes to wear today but it just seems like with all the new info I have about myself, including the HSP stuff, it should be easier to decide if I can handle this or not.  Ok I think that about wraps up my babbling vent for the night. I hope everyone had a great weekend.

Much Love To All

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Have you done your good deed for the day?

Warning to all my HSP followers:   Sad stuff in this post!!! I’m sorry…

I usually don’t share stories like this due to my skepticism but this one I KNOW is valid.

There is a lovely lady I know who is having trouble paying for her late husband’s arrangements. He passed away last Sunday from cancer. They just found out a couple of months ago that he was sick. At this point she doesn’t plan on having a funeral service because of her lack of funds. She is focusing on raising enough money to get him cremated, then she will have a family gathering to celebrate his life.  Ps..this “lady” is my family.

Can you imagine not having a funeral for your spouse because you can’t afford it??? Maybe my HSP is in overdrive right now but that thought breaks my heart into pieces! I pray G#D gives her the strength she needs to get through this! This is where you all come in! I have provided a link below to a fundraiser page that was set up in her honor. Please take a second and check it out! Not only can you donate a few dollars but you can send her HUGS and PRAYERS as well! I know the prayers are much appreciated, she is a woman of faith and is relying on her hymns to get her through this. Thank you guys so much for your support! Please GENTLY  let me know if anyone is offended by this post! I am just trying to help. I do not wish to upset anyone.

Click here to help a family in need!

Much Love To All!

Trans Siberian Orchestra, here I come!

 

Please, Please forgive me for bringing up Christmas in September! In my defense this post isn’t about the holiday specifically. It is about the floor seats PC bought me to the upcoming TSO concert, in December, which he claims is my early Christmas present. I chose this video because I walked down the aisle to this music (not this song but the background music – Canon in D) in 2003 when PC and I first married.

TSO comes to our town every year in December and every year we swear we are going to be there. Then every year, for the past 10 years or so, something comes up and we swear we will be there next year. Never happens. Till now!  He said he planned on surprising me with the tickets the night of the concert (or closer to the date anyways) but he knows I am a HSP and wanted to make sure the seats were comfortable for both of us.

This is where I believe I differ from most HSP’s. Loud noises do not bother me. Loud, sudden and unexplained noises, yeah I have a hard time with those. Music is the opposite. When I listen to a song I love, the louder the better!!  My sensitivity is heightened with music, well most music anyways, but in a pleasant way. It is hard to explain the pure joy I feel when listening to a piece of music I love. I can feel the music. I mean, I can feel the emotion from the piano, the drums, the artist… See, hard to explain. Anyhow, TSO brings me joy and I can not wait. In addition to loving their music, I am pleased that PC and I are making an effort to do some of the things on our “to do” list.

Material things usually don’t mean much to me, this concert is so much more than material. It signifies a small victory in the childless battle PC and I are fighting. It signifies our promise to each other to have a “to do” list and not a “bucket list” later on…why wait when you don’t have to? It means a lot for us and I will hold on to that for now and probably for a very long time. Happy Friday everyone!

Much Love To All!

Here’s your sign…

pity party

That is the trick! When is it time to leave your own internal pity party? I wish there was some sort of universal sign to help us with that part. Well maybe there isn’t a universal sign but an individual one. If that is the case I think I got my sign today!!

I am a huge gigantic football fan! Always have been. I love everything about the sport. Today I ran to the local HEB for groceries, nothing special. While I was in the meat department this man bumped into me. I thought nothing of it really. He looked at me and said “Oh, I’m sorry, excuse me.” and he moved over for me. As he said those words he was kind  of looking at me weird. Again, I thought nothing of it …….until the HEB employees came running out from behind the counter asking for his autograph!!! Yeah, his autograph! And then people started asking for his picture. I was a tad confused at this point. Then I realized I just bumped into a professional football player and (ME of all people) didn’t recognize him. Do you see the irony in this? If you knew me well, you would certainly see the damn irony in this! I had just bumped into Raghib Ramadian “Rocket” Ismail and didn’t even know it. I should have known it! I should have recognized him! That was my sign. Look what I am missing while I am feeling sorry for myself still.

Don’t get me wrong, this is a grieving process (infertility). There is no time limit on learning to live a new life, dream new dreams and mourn the loss of something you thought you couldn’t live without. But this incident made me wonder… how long I am going to allow myself to walk around with my head hanging down. What else am I missing while I am busy dealing with my own problems.  And I am not only dealing with my own health problems. I am also my mother’s primary caregiver. I don’t mind at all but it sure takes a lot out of me. Not only does she live about 45 minutes away from me but she is dealing with health issues most women don’t deal with until their 60’s or 70’s. She failed the “memory test” her PCP gave her yesterday. She was shocked when the nurse left the room because she knew she didn’t do well. I was not shocked at all and felt like I should have asked for that test a long time ago. Anyhow, point is, I do have a lot on my plate. I know I am not the only one who feels like their cup is “runneth over”. No matter how much I have on my plate I can’t continue ignoring all my blessings! It’s time to leave my pity party. Not so I can avoid missing another celeb encounter but so I don’t miss out on all the great things I should be so grateful for right now! So…

Where do I start?  Those of us in this IF boat can’t just RUN out of our pity party. So maybe I walk slowly out of the party at first . I’m not much of a runner anyways so that’s ok. The best way to do that is with my own thoughts! thoughtsMaybe that is where I start. The quality of my thoughts… I sure do need to work on that part. There is zero quality to my thoughts these days and when you think about that fact..it’s pretty darn sad. There should be some quality in there somewhere. I know I have said in an earlier post somewhere “You bring about what you think about”. An old friend of mine used to say that to me. It stuck. In my opinion it doesn’t mean if you think about winning the lottery you will win the lottery. To me, that phrase and the picture to the right ,mean if all my thoughts are sad and negative, my life will also be sad and negative. And vise versa I guess. It’s time to start appreciating the good things. So on that note I would like to say THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART to all of you! Thank you for all the kind words, comments, likes, encouragement and hope you have given me. I have never met any of you in real life but I feel like you are all part of my family. Hec, you know details about me that most of my real life friends/family don’t! Especially about my health. I can only hope that I have been (or will be) as helpful to you as you’ve been to me! Take a moment today to be grateful. Even if it is about something you think is insignificant. Be thankful for it. And while you are thinking about being thankful, force your face to form a smile and hold that smile for at least 5 seconds. That can do wonders for a person’s mood! Oh look, I think I can see the front door now…Gotta make it to the front door if I want to leave this party….

Much Love To All!

I can handle them one at a time. But together???

hermit 

Story of my life right now.  HSP and unexplained infertility is a deadly combination!

 

I feel as though I am not the same person I was even 3 years ago. I mean almost not AT ALL the same. I have the same likes and dislikes for the most part but that’s about it. Every one of my relationships is suffering right now and not only do I not completely understand why they got that way but I have no idea how to get them back on track.  So many changes to adjust to. I had a very challenging childhood and came out of that stronger but for some reason I am taking all of my current challenges in life so personally! They aren’t individual experiences anymore. I am grouping them up and stuffing them into the same hurtful box.  Why on earth would I do that to myself? How do I stop? I don’t believe my friends/family are intentionally hurting me so why does it feel like they are?

For the first time in 18 years, my mother in law and I are not speaking.  I may have mentioned, in a previous post, a phone call that took place about 5 months ago between her and I. Yeah, we haven’t spoken since then! The call broke my heart and pissed me off! Before that it was my brother in law’s text. Before him it was my sis in law. And before her, my other sis in law. They all did/didn’t do/said something that crushed me and I haven’t told any of them how I felt about it. I have made excuse after excuse for not saying anything to any of them but the real reason still escapes me. That is very sad because this is a solid family. They are amazing! Like any family they have their flaws but still rather jealous-provoking amazing! It is sad because this is not how I would normally handle these things.  With the exception of a few people (whom I deemed not worth the fight), I normally would have already confronted the person who hurt me and we would have already moved on.

My best friend and I had our first real fight last Friday. It was over the phone and we haven’t spoken since. I have often wondered if she is also HSP. Either way, she feels as though I have abandoned her for my new found habit of hibernation. For months, every time we talked, she would comment on my “hibernation”. She would say something like “Oh, hey, haven’t heard from you in a while. You must be feeling better. You coming out of the house today?” She knows just about everything there is to know about me, including the infertility. So when we would go a week or two without talking she would assume it was because I was depressed or something. I was a bit offended but I knew there was no way she could ever understand what I was going through so I couldn’t blame her for trying to find an explanation on her own.  I couldn’t figure out why the amount of visits and phone calls we shared was never enough. Why she felt so abandoned and like I don’t care about her. But again, I never said anything. There is so much more to this story though. Too much to list in this post.  The point is I am no longer standing up for myself and that pisses me off!!

As if that’s not enough, I saw my new gyn last week. She is convinced I do not have PCOS although I have many of the symptoms. She claims I do have PMDD and put me on BC pills. I was all for the idea until I started pms-ing. Like BAD! My pms has always been pretty severe and my cycles have always been irregular. If I predict my next cycle based on my last 3 months then this pms is pretty early. My cycle is usually within the same 2.5 weeks every month. That’s about as regular as it gets for me. As a matter of fact, every 6 months or so that changes. Back in March of this year my cycle was in a different 2.5 week span during the month than it is now. So now my infertility is unexplained. The treatment plan is to see which symptoms the pills eliminate and go from there. The whole process sucks. But the symptoms are going to kill me so I am just glad to have a plan. Plus, I really like this doc! She is awesome!

So…My only plan of action at this time is to handle each of these situations one at a time and keep taking these damn BC pills. Today I plan on visiting my mother in law. She is upset with me because she can tell I have been avoiding her. Although I feel like she has no right to be mad at me for not talking to her because she is also not talking to me, I have to fix this. It’s making my tummy ache. The others act like they have no clue I was even upset with them, which is very possible.  Wish me luck and as always, I am open to suggestions!

Much love to all…