I just hate starting my day off like this! I log into my FB this morning and there are 2 photos, posted by my little cousin, of his newborn baby. I didn’t even know him and his girlfriend were expecting. Although I’m not surprised no one told me. I am pretty much the black sheep of the family these days. Every announcement makes me wonder just how many I have experienced since my diagnosis. So I did the math.
If I’m not forgetting anybody, there have been 26 announcements since my diagnosis. 26! I am not counting friends of friends or family members I have never met. I am only talking about my close family/friends. Technically there were only 25 pregnancy announcements because on of those resulted in twins… The past 5 years have been tough to say the least.
I wish this weren’t such a roller-coaster of emotions. First I feel angry, then sad, then guilty for the anger I felt earlier, then angry again for allowing myself to feel guilty and finally the sad comes back around. Full circle really…
Ironically, this is part of another HSP experience for me. Last weekend while leaving PC’s parents’ house, we crossed paths with this cousin on the road. I honked and waved at him. I saw his brake lights come on as if he were stopping to say Hi but I just kept driving. PC didn’t object but I’m sure he was wondering why we didn’t stop and chat for a minute. I just didn’t feel like it was a good idea. I am so glad I trusted my gut! I have learned that I handle these announcements much better when I am alone and have time to process it in my own way. If I had received the news in front of my cousin, he probably would have been offended by my initial reaction. Plus, PC and I had a very pleasant visit with his family for the first time in a long time and I didn’t want to end the day on any sort of negative note.
I chose not to post anything for Mother’s day this year. I was trying my hardest to focus on the positive in my life rather than the negative. It was freaking hard but overall the weekend wasn’t half bad. We visited my mom and step mom on Saturday. My birthday is usually close to or on Mother’s day so, like usual, I opened some b-day presents while my mom opened her gifts. We visited PC’s mom on Sunday. It was pretty nice. Tough still but nice. Most of his family hadn’t seen me in quite a while so there were a lot of comments on my weight loss. I didn’t feel as “great” as everyone said I looked but I tried to receive their compliments as they were meant.
Happy belated Mother’s day to all of my IF sisters out there!
And if you are still TTC…Happy belated Mothering Day!
Much Love To All!