Check yes or no.

Well it looks like I’m in somewhat of a darn pickle here. Let me start at the beginning…

PC and I have this friend we have known for about 8 years. He is a great guy. Him and I got along well because he is also bi-polar so we always had something to talk about. He always knew if he needed someone to talk to he could call me and I would not only understand but I could be a great set of ears. So fast forward to the end of 2012. He met a girl, married her and had a baby. Once they started getting serious we saw less of him than usual. We were happy for him. Now let me say, he knows about our infertility issues. He is one of our few friends that knows about it but it’s not something we sat down and talked about in detail. Needless to say he was hesitant to announce their pregnancy. The baby was very premature so we didn’t get to meet her until just a few months ago. He called me and invited PC and I over for a little get together at their house. Turns out they live right down the road from us. I told him we would love to come over and meet wife and baby.  This is when he told me him and his wife wanted to talk to me, privately, before the party started. Turns out they want me to consider being their NANNY!!   He knew I would be honored. And I was really… But…. REALLY????

My heart is torn. His wife doesn’t know me at all. She is just trusting what he has told her.And I’m assuming it’s been all good things because she didn’t look too concerned about this decision at all. She asked me a few questions and I answered. They told me I have plenty of time to decided because she has extensive maternity leave. They wouldn’t need me until around April. I have been thinking about this for a few months and I just can’t decide. I’m thinking a pro’s/con’s list will be helpful so here it is…

PRO’S

  • Easy easy money. I mean REALLY easy. Babies aren’t a challenge for me. I could take great care of this little one with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back. Lol. Could use the extra cash.
  • Hours would be 8am – 4pm Mon-Fri. No weekends is a good thing.
  • I miss being around babies. I really miss it!
  • This would be more experience with a preemie. Love learning!!
  • I love babies! A lot!
  • I would be helping a dear friend. It would be a pleasure.
  • I am sooo very honored this friend thinks so highly of my child care skills. I was their first choice even over family.
  • Mommy might be willing to drop the baby off at my place every morning.  I am NOT a “wake up to an alarm clock, get up, dressed, hair, makeup, punctual” kinda gal.  This is a pretty important “pro” and should probably be closer to the top of this list.
  • Her job is very close to my home and hers as well.

CON’S

  • I don’t want the daily reminder of my infertility.
  • I don’t want to commit to something I might have to back out of.
  • I’m not sure how long they would want me to be the nanny. This kind of job usually lasts years.
  • I’m not sure if she has a backup plan for the days I might be sick, have an appt…etc.
  • What if mommy decides at some point she would rather me care for the baby at their place? I don’t want mommy to be late to work and get in trouble.  See Pro above on “not a morning person”. She would be later on a regular basis I promise!
  • I don’t want PC to suffer when baby becomes more verbal.. (From what I could tell she is a very quiet munchkin these days) He works nights and I would have her during the day while he is trying to sleep.
  • We live in a one bedroom apartment. See above “con”…
  • I would be taking some quality time away from PC and I. He has Mondays off. Our “weekends” begin Sat night (when he wakes up) and end early Tues morning. He has to sleep during the day on Tuesday so he can get up and go to work Tuesday night.
  • I don’t know how this will affect PC. He says he wants this to be my decision but I don’t think he realizes how he might begin to feel. I want to be respectful of HIS infertility feelings and reminders.

Okay so I thought writing it all down and thinking about it in detail again would help me decide. I’m glad I have time to figure this out because I don’t think this has helped me decide. What to do…What to do….

Liebster Award!

How awesome is this? I am excited to have been nominated for the Liebster Award. Thank you to Cassie at infertilegilrinafertileworld for the nomination.  Like some of you, this blog is my only “infertility release” and I appreciate having this outlet. We share so many personal stories and details about ourselves, I would like to get to know a little more about ya’ll. This is the first time I have participated in this (or anything of the liking) so please let me know if I do not follow the next steps properly.

Here are my answers to the questions infertilegirlinafertileworld asked me.

  • Have you always lived in the place you are currently living, if not, what took you to where you are now?

Hmm, how to I shorten this answer? PC (my hubby) and I graduated from the same high school,  a small town outside of a big city. He graduated a year before me. By the time I graduated he and his family had moved to another small town. I soon joined them. After a little drama here and a little drama there, we moved to that big city. We have never been happier! Far enough away from the sources of our stress to stay sane. Yet close enough to his family and our good friends to enjoy life.

  • What’s the best meal you’ve ever eaten?

Food and I do not have a great relationship. But I am a true Texas girl, so the best meal for me is a backyard BBQ with family. Brisket, chicken, burgers…etc with my mother in law’s potato salad. Add some home-made sweet tea to the menu and I’m a happy camper.

  • What ability or skill do you wish you had (I’m not talking super powers here…)?

I have always wished I could play the piano and sing at the same time. Maybe I should just keep practicing…

  • What was your favorite subject in school?

This is kind of a tie. My favorite time in school was choir. The only other one I enjoyed was English. I know it’s kind of hard to tell by my blogs but I used to be really good at spelling and grammar.

  • What is your favorite movie of all time (or two, I’ll allow that because mine is a tie)?

Wow, this is another hard one!! I’m not even sure if I can pick one. I love anything Disney!!! There is NO way I could choose just one Disney movie. (I’m probably the biggest Mickey Mouse fan on this planet!! I promise!) So if  I had to choose my favorite non-Disney movie it would be “Crash”. I had to watch it several times to really get the meaning. I’m so glad I did!!

  • In everyday life, what is your biggest pet peeve?

LIARS!!!!! I have several very personal reasons why this may not even be considered just a “pet peeve” of mine. No time for those details though. I surround myself with people who KNOW I would rather be temporarily hurt by the truth then permanently hurt with a lie!

  • What is the #1 most played song on your iPod? 

I hope the questions I ask aren’t this hard!! LOL! Music is in my blood and soul! At the moment the most played song would probably be “Counting Stars” by One Republic. I listen to all genres of music and am obsessed with P!NK! But I love all of her songs so there isn’t one I play more than the others. Hehe…

  • If you could be any fictional character, who would you be?

Ok Ok, did you read my diary? Or my mind maybe?? If you only knew how ironic these questions are for me you would be laughing out loud for real! Well I have escaped reality with fiction all of my life. I always wanted to be Maria Rainer. Ya know, Julie Andrew’s character in “The Sound Of Music”. Although this show was based on a true story, the musical most people have seen, was dramatically altered for the broad-way version so I think this should count as fictional. (finger crossed)

  • What is your favorite book?

Anything Dr. Seuss!!

  • What did you want to be when you grew up?

A singer. I wanted to be a famous singer. Travel the world doing what feels most naturally to me.

Alright I guess that sums up my Q&A part of the night. Now here are my nominees…

1)  jjdubbelde

2) theunexpectedtrip

3) A Calm Persistence

 

How to play

If you choose to participate (why wouldn’t you? It’s awesome), no pressure, here are the rules to “accept” it.

  1. Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog. 
  2. Display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”.
  3. Answer the questions that I have given you below.
  • If you could vacation anywhere, where would it be and why?
  • What is the best gift you have ever given someone?
  • If you could have one super power, what would it be?
  • If you could meet any celebrity (alive or passed) who would it be and why?
  • What makes you unique?
  • What inspired you to create a blog and what do you hope to gain from having one?
  • Name something you learned in school that you have never used in the real world.
  • Which songs would be on the soundtrack of your life?
  • If you won the lottery what would be the top 3 things on your agenda?
  • If you could personally witness any event past, present or future, what would it be?
  1. Nominate as many blogs that you feel deserve the award.
  2. Create a new list of questions for the bloggers you have nominated to answer.
  3. List these rules in your post (You can copy and paste from here)

Once you have accepted your MAJOR award by writing and publishing your “acceptance” speech, you then should inform the people/blogs that you have nominated them for the Liebster Award.  Also, you might want to provide a link for them back to this post or your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!)

 

Music is what feelings sound like!

I encourage you to read the lyrics before you listen or while you listen to the song…

I guess it’s funnier from where you’re standing
Cause from over here I missed the joke
Clear the way for my crash landing
I’ve done it again
Another number for your notes

I’d be smiling if I wasn’t so desperate
I’d be patient if I had the time
I could stop and answer all of your questions
As soon as I find out 
How I can move from the back of the line

[Chorus:]
I’ll be your clown
Behind the glass
Go ‘head and laugh
Cause it’s funny
I would too if I saw me
I’ll be your clown
On your favourite channel
My life’s a circus circus
Round in circles
I’m selling out tonight

I’d be less angry if it was my decision
And the money was just rolling in
If I had more than my ambition
I’ll have time for ‘Please’
I’ll have time for ‘Thank you’
As soon as I win

[Chorus]

From a distance my choice is simple
From a distance I can entertain
So you can see me
I put make-up on my face
But there’s no way you can feel it
From so far away

[Chorus]

 

MUSIC IS WHAT FEELINGS SOUND LIKE!

There have always been a  few things in my life I am truly passionate about. Children is one of them and equally as important to me is music! I have always loved music. My mom tells me I could sing a full song off the radio before I would speak a sentence. Singing, playing the piano and turning up my boombox (lol) have always been my escape from reality. My taste in music is just as bi-polar as I am. All genres have a great selection in my opinion. The song I added to this post is called “Clown” by Emeli Sande. She is an amazing vocalist. This song explains how she felt when she was getting started in the “biz”. Obviously I can not relate to that story and not every word fits into my current situation but the first time I heard this song, I started crying from the first verse. 

The chorus strikes me. “I’ll be your clown behind the glass”. Absolutely! I feel that way. Like I’m some sort of freak show (damaged goods as I refer to myself) and I’m behind this sheet of glass and no one can get thru to save me.  There is this separation I can not easily explain. But that separation is so fragile, like the glass,  I’m scared to move. I can’t afford anymore cracks. I just can’t afford that! I am standing here like a child in front of my bedroom window during a storm. My hands and forehead pressed up against the glass, tears rolling down my face. Even tho the glass is fragile it protects me somehow.  I have to stay in.because “out there” is where all the reminders are. The pregnant women, the beautiful babies in line at the store, the school busses, the baby on board decals…I’m safe inside, on this side of the glass. Where I have some sort of control over the things I see or hear, over the pain. Free to cry whenever that emotion hits me sometimes for no reason at all. But then the glass starts to rattle from the wind and storm and I realize I’m not completely safe in here either.  I have to venture out into the world and socialize. They can see the make-up on my face. In my attempt to hide the tears and desperation. From a distance I look fine. I smile and mingle like they want me to. Like I used to do. Like their puppet. From a distance I can even entertain, I’m the life of the party in fact. I know they can SEE it ( the elephant in the room ) the pain and yearning to escape my depressing situation for a little while. But in the back of my mind and in the pit of my gut I know (even tho they are right in front of me) there’s no way they can FEEL it from so far away. That feeling of separation, of my terrible acting skills trying to avoid this damn elephant…that is the glass! The glass I was trying to escape from. It followed me from home. Now I understand it all! For now…

I AM THE CLOWN BEHIND THE GLASS!

Somebody, Anybody!

This weekend has not been the best weekend for me. I went to an urgent care facility for antibiotics to clear up what I thought might be tonsillitis. My glands behind my right ear were terribly swollen and there was a minor rash on top of the glands. I have never had tonsillitis without strep throat so I figured this might be what it felt like to just have one of them at a time. Nope, that’s not what it was. Are you ready for this?? Drum roll please…..THEY DON”T KNOW!  I have multiple health issues and ZERO explanations!  The Dr gave me antibiotics for an infection even tho we don’t know what caused this infection. My throat wasn’t irritated, neither were my tonsils and the strep test came back negative.  I can’t even get a minor infection and know why! This has to be a joke. The dr even suggested if the glands don’t go down in a couple of days it could be shingles. I was surprised she said that. I was under the impression that shingles were only a concern later in life. She explains that severe stress can cause this virus to appear at any age. Really? Severe stress? I thought the changes I have made in the past 2 years, including cutting my own family out of my life, were going to decrease my stress not make it worse. That was not an easy decision to make either, walking away from my family. I do love them even if I don’t like them. I realized none of them put in the same effort, time, love or concern into our relationship as I did. And never have or will. They take advantage, back stab, treat others like doggy doo and expect to be able to just sweep these things under the rug. Anyhow, Hard pill to swallow. So are you telling me even tho I cut these people out of my life, I am still going to suffer??? This is more stress than I had when I allowed them to step all over me.

So I have spent the last three days taking this medicine. This morning the pain is beginning to subside  and then my phone rings. It is one of my sister-in-laws. She was just calling to tell me she is pregnant. Wow. Not only is this “wow” because of the obvious reasons. This is much more upsetting than that. I am not this angry/hurt/sad… when my co-worker and her husband (happily married 12 yrs, financially stable, probably going to be great parents) announce their pregnancy. I am angry/hurt/sad… that one of my sis in-laws is!  What makes these two situations so different? Where do I start? This sis-in-law already has three children, 2 of which (NEITHER ONE 21 YRS OLD YET) have infants of their own, making her a grandmother already, she is not married, DIDN’T WANT ANY MORE KIDS (this was an accident so they say), is far from being financially stable, her baby’s daddy has FOUR children from a previous marriage, and her parenting skills have been questionable since she gave birth to her first child! My heart is hurting, physically hurting. On the one hand I feel bad for her, sympathetic really  because she took the time to call me in person so I didn’t find out on facebook. Even tho I was sad, that was more than my blood family would have EVER done for me! Consider my feeling before their own? Yeah right! And She sounded very concerned about my reaction! I was very calm on the phone. I thanked her for calling me and telling me herself. Then I hung up and sobbed! Now on that other hand people always talk about…WHAT???? Is this real? It makes me angry. but who exactly am I mad at right now?? Her? Myself? GOD? The doctors who can’t help me? I’m not sure if it’s one of those or a little of all. Of course I am guilty of thinking “Why her? She doesn’t deserve another baby, she can’t even take care of the ones she already has! Why not me?” I’m not proud of that but it’s true. I see so many women who in my opinion do not deserve the right to be a parent and it’s worse when these women are family! Unfortunately for me there have been SEVERAL family members announcing pregnancy beginning right after my diagnosis of infertility.

I usually end most of my blogs with some sort of lesson I believe I  have learned. I can’t seem to come up with one this time. This was another blog just for venting. If you have made it to this part, I sincerely thank you. Virtual hugs to all of you going through the same thing!

Normal Is Just A Cycle on My Washing Machine!

Face it, at some point in our lives we have all wondered if we were normal. Maybe our health, symptoms, reactions to stress…etc. Most of us have asked a friend or family member if they agreed with us. Is this a normal reaction or am I over-reacting? How about the common “Dr. I feel yada yada yada, is that normal”? Can any of you define “normal” for me. Fyi, that is a rhetorical question because I probably won’t agree with anyone’s response. No offense intended!

The word normal usually is not even in my vocabulary! Although I am embarrassed to admit I have used it in the past I’m sure. However, I haven’t been “normal” from the day I entered this world. That is not an exaggeration either. Example A: My legs/hips grew abnormally in the womb and when the doctors laid me flat after birth my legs flopped up and to either side of my torso. Imagine those baby dolls back in the day, the ones you could move just the arms and legs at the joints. Well take this doll’s legs and bend those legs up, one foot on either side of her head.  Yup that’s what I looked like at birth. And here, let me add a laugh to this story. They laid me in the nursery like that!!!!! Legs spread for all the new parents and families to see when trying to view their new bundle of joy! I’m glad I have no memories of this event! The doctors gave my parents some sort of sheet thingy to wrap around my legs holding them in the normal side by side position. This allowed my hips to fuse together properly. Luckily this worked. And yes I held my bottle with my feet. Be honest, most of you were wondering about that. Lol. Anyhow, That’s not where the weird stopped for me. Example B: At 2 months of age I required emergency surgery on my neck after my nana walked in the room and found me laying in my crib with a tennis ball sized “lump” on the right side of my neck. Doctors said this was probably due to the difficult delivery my mom had.  During her c-section they pulled me out using my head! The muscle in my neck experienced some freak growth spurt causing the muscle to bend or pop outward. The doctor informed  my parents they should feel very lucky. He claimed he had only READ about this condition, never actually seen it due to its rarity. In the stories he read in medical school NONE of the babies survived because the muscle had bent/popped inward (rather than outward like mine) blocking the airway and suffocating the infant before doctors could fix it. What??? All in the first 2 months of my life.

The weird doesn’t stop there either but I’m not going to list all of my mysterious life “events” that followed that, including but not limited to, the present time. I just want to tell others that no matter what you have been through,  YOU are the only person in this world that should define your own normal. Do you think ANYTHING about my first few months of life were “normal? Of course not. But normal or not, it happened and I’m still here. I have a lot to be thankful for! Even with my depressing medical problems, infertility and such, I’m very lucky, blessed, what ever you want to call it.

As a teenager I was the girl whose clothes never matched. Not just because we were dirt poor but because ” I didn’t wanna”.  If you ask any of my good friends past or present, how I feel about my appearance they will tell you without hesitation “Life is too short for matching socks”. I have said that for so many years I can’t even tell you when it started. Yes I’m known for NEVER wearing matching socks. My students used to love sitting on the carpet at circle time just to  find out what my daily sock combo looked like. Every year it rubbed off and all of them started mixing up their  socks. I was flattered! Some of the parents were put off by this but I wasn’t concerned about that. I was proud of my kids for using their socks to express themselves. And the parents that didn’t mind were the ones that realized by giving their kids this decision in the morning, this control over something, their morning routine was smooth and lacked the usual struggles! What parent doesn’t want a smoother morning routine with their 3/4/5 year old? Crazy ones, that’s who. As a teacher I appreciated the parents that participated because when they had a good morning, WE (their kiddos and I) had a great morning as well! Everyone wins…So again I ask, Is this “normal”? Who cares? What does it matter? In my opinion it just doesn’t!

So ladies and gents, when you hear yourselves asking if you are normal, riddle me this….Normal to whom??? Normal compared to what??? If you can answer those two questions then the next thing I wonder is why does ANYONE else have a say in your “normal”? So I end this blog saying “The only normal in my life is a cycle on my washing machine”!!! Allow this to be your only normal too and you will feel a freedom that I believe everyone deserves!! Allow me to turn up the volume here… YOU DESERVE THIS FREEDOM!

It’s not envy; it’s absence

Please read this VERY well written blog. I did not write this but I hope it speaks to you as it did to me.

the unexpected trip

Today at Trader Joe’s, I was surrounded by women my age or younger, all of whom had babies strapped to them, or toddlers in the cart, or little hands inside theirs. One mother beside me was picking out bags of nuts from the shelf, just like me, except she had a cheerleader in the cart beside her, a two-year-old boy going: “Yah! Yeah! Yahhh!!!” every time she tossed a bag of nuts into the cart.

“Yah!” the mother cheered back. “Nuts! Yeah! Woo!”

“Yeah!!!” he cried, then threw back his head and roared with laughter.

They went on like this for ages, grinning, absolutely smitten with each other.

I moved away from them, and felt that empty space in the front of my own cart yawning wide.

I adjusted my eyes so that I couldn’t see any details around me—shifted my eyes into “middle distance” mode. I usually do this…

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Anti-social much?

New Years is usually a time for reflection. I am choosing not to do that this year. I know how crappy 2013 was I don’t need to remember it. What I have noticed tho is how anti social I feel lately. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not asking why I am feeling this way. I don’t know ANYONE personally going thru the same thing, or something similar even,  PC and I are going thru. This makes every single interaction with family/friends filled with anxiety! Soooo, how to proceed? How do we enjoy our dink/dinky lives without becoming completely anti-social???

It seems as tho all of my usual struggles have been amplified in the last 2 years, which is when this whole TTC thing started. I’m no doctor but I know there is a connection here. I wish I could say my health only crosses my mind on occasion but that is not the truth. It’s always on my mind. I can’t count how many times I am around others while secretly holding back tears and possibly a hysterical outburst. Which is why I haven’t spent a lot of time with any particular person in the last 6 months or so. My family and friends are completely unaware of this blog! I have told no one but PC (my hubby). Actually I have told a few people I started a blog but gave no more info than that. I even went as far as to create a separate facebook account. I only requested a handful of my “real” friends on the 2nd account and all but one of them accepted without even asking who I was. I think I created this account because I desperately needed a place to express myself. I don’t want everyone in my life looking at me as “that poor girl who can’t have kids”. I do NOT need a pity party from anyone! I have family members that would literally stop breathing without the constant sympathy from others! So sad but not my style. Maybe this 2nd fb account also allows me to keep this “damaged” part of me separate from the “real me”. Maybe that makes me a coward. I’m not sure. I have considered just blurting out what’s been going on with me on my original fb but I am scared of the aftermath. I am a very opinionated person. Shy is not an adjective anyone would use to describe me. However, I share opinions…not feelings, emotions, anger or other’s dirty laundry. So do I combine these two parts of my life once and for all? Maybe it would help me become more social if I felt like everything was already on the table. Nothing to be uncomfortable about right?

I wonder how many other reproductively challenged women out there feel the same. Am I the only one who feels the need to keep this part of my life separate from the rest of my life? I doubt it. My goal this year is to decide whether or not to combine the 2 worlds. Another goal is to fill my life (our lives) with random happiness. Anniversary trip this year, maybe piano lessons, get further into my ebook journey… We will have to see. So I won’t be reflecting on the past year. I will focus on enjoying this one! happy New Year to all.