Tired

exhausted

And that’s all I have to say about that. I hope you are all having a great week

Much Love To All

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The good and the bad.

success   Good news and bad news all in one day. That’s just how I roll.

Good news: We found out we are fully approved for a home loan. Now all we have to do is wait for our dream home to show up on the market. Well that and start pinching pennies for the down payment.

Bad news: I had a follow up with my gyn. The best looking light at the end of my crappy health tunnel is a, you guessed it, a hysterectomy. We are still going to try another treatment cocktail to see if it helps with the pain though. She would like it to be our last resort if I can hold on long enough. I don’t mind doing that I guess.

When you get news like this, really exciting and kinda crappy all at once, it can be hard to know how to feel about any of it. So I am trying to just feel a little bit of each. I have always been somewhat of a medical mystery. I’m tellin ya they should study me! So I am not surprised that no one can figure out exactly what is causing my IF. I’m not surprised that they think they know and then later find that diagnosis no longer fits. Now instead of PCOS I have endometriosis. Really? How many women can say they USED to have PCOS but it just magically went away on it’s own. Or was PCOS yet another MISdiagnosis? I will probably never know. I do have another ultrasound scheduled for this Monday. The last one I had (over a year ago) showed nothing abnormal, not even this pearl necklace I should have had because of PCOS. There is absolutely no telling what they will find this time. I am hopeful that this new treatment cocktail will help.

As of now I choose to enjoy the excitement of house hunting. Before it gets all stressful and scary. I will deal with the other stuff as I cross that bridge. I will not let my physical failures keep us from enjoying a little “success”. I hope you all had a great weekend and have a fantastic weekend ahead.

Much Love To All!

It was then that I carried you…

DEAR HSP’S: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

Today is a special day. My very first niece was born today, 15 years ago!

For any rebel hsp’s out there, this is the paragraph to skip: My niece is an angel now. Her story is unique. I will not go into every detail out of respect for my SIL but I will sum it up. She was a gorgeous little baby. She was born with some health problems. Her mother took care of her at home although she was judged by many for doing so. Sweetheart (I will refer to my niece as sweetheart) was in a coma and dependent on a vent. The sound of her discomfort was not a footprints plaquecry but the beeping of her pulse ox when her sat’s dropped. It was an experience I will never ever forget. I felt honored to help take care of her. I was living with PC and his parents at the time, along with my SIL and sweetheart. Although we were not married yet, we all knew that’s where we were headed.  Anyhow, not many people could understand why SIL was keeping sweetheart alive on these machines. I’m sure on the outside it looked selfish on her part but screw the outside! She wasn’t giving up until she knew exactly what was wrong and what had happened to her seemingly healthy (until birth) sweet girl. I’m proud of my SIL for that! She lived for 1 year and 2 weeks and I cherish every memory I have of her, as unconventional as they may be. I am not explaining this to make anyone sad or ruin anyone’s weekend. Matter of fact I think that is about all I will say about sweetheart’s short life on earth with us.

You would think that my hyper-sensitivity would cause me to be a hot mess about this kind of stuff. However, this is the intuitive part of HSP and took me a long time to figure that out.  I have never been “normal” when it comes to death. It is unfortunately the time I feel closest to God himself. I have always had precognitive dreams (dreams that predict the future). They have ALWAYS been about death. It was creepy at first. Now I just glance up at the sky with tears in my eyes and thank Him for the heads up. My dreams don’t give me enough info to change the outcome but somehow it prepares me. A few times, as was the case with sweetheart, it is a sudden feeling of depression x25 rather than a dream. The feeling I got the night sweetheart passed was one of my first. I didn’t know what was going on, I just couldn’t stop crying. I kept telling PC (I don’t even want to know how crazy he thought I was at this point) “I don’t know what’s wrong. Something just isn’t right. Something bad is fixing to happen. My tummy hurts”. The difference between my precognitive dreams and just a bad dream is that in my precog dreams, I do not cry. Not one tear! Everyone around me is hysterical and I am more shocked or maybe confused than anything. I console everyone but I never cry. Also, my dream “narrows” down the details but not to the T. I don’t know who is going to pass but I know it’s a co-worker (yes that happened) or I know it’s a grandma figure (yup, that one too) or something like that. Only one of my precog dreams was of someone whom I was not close to personally. It was a family friend  and her family who suffered the loss. Funerals are so important to me. I must go. I don’t have closure if I don’t go. I am the morbid one people stare at in horror because I take pictures if I can. After the funeral, I can go back to my matter of fact self. Does that mean I never mourn this person again? No way! I have lost many people in my life and I think about them a lot. I still shed tears every once in a while about the best friend I lost back in 1990! Of course I was young then, she was my best friend, and she was buried on my birthday. Yeah,, that one still stings a bit. Anyhow, What it does mean is I am the one who cares for the gravesite. I go sit and visit with them as if they are sitting there with me. I clear the weeds, replace the flowers and more. I am sad but not hysterical. I feel at peace. I feel their energy there with me. I am reminded while I’m there to be grateful. Grateful for my life, as weird and confusing as it is. Grateful that I knew these amazing people. Most of my AH HA moments in life happened while I was visiting the cemetery. It is my church!

I have considered taking my intuitions and limited psychic abilities to the next level but I am conflicted about doing so. I wouldn’t even know where to start. I feel like I could help people somehow if I could though. So today, I will celebrate my sweetheart’s 15th birthday by paying her a visit. I will go to my church and embrace the energy. Thank you in advance for not judging me.

Much Love To All!

No ma’am, the school district is not a factor.

My highly sensitive self can’t sleep thanks to my phone conversation with our new real estate agent today. It is official. We are in the market to buy a house. Let the permanent state of panic begin! I can not stop thinking. My brain won’t shut off. This is a HUGE step, and the first HUGE step since our IF diagnosis.

I have kept my eye on the market for several years now. PC and I live in a fabulous, small, 1 bedroom apartment. We have stayed here for many reasons. Rent is so affordable, the maintenance crew saves us tons every year, and the location is great. We also have very fond memories built here because this is where PC and I got back together and eventually remarried. It is also where we learned about our IF and our future plans changed forever. Leaving this place will not be easy.

PC has a co-worker who had mentioned at one point that his wife was a real estate agent. So we called her up today to get the ball rolling. As she was taking down some info she started asking what we “wanted”. I gave her some basics, we want a one story, close to PC’s work…etc. Then she asked “Do you have a school district you want to be in?” My heart sunk. I was suddenly very aware of how different challenging this experience is going to be. 5 years ago when I started looking, I did have a district in mind, as well as a specific school district we did not want to live in. I quickly answered “No ma’am, the school district is not a factor.” I don’t remember her exact response but it was something along the lines of “Oh, that’s right, no kids. Ok, anything else that is extremely important to you guys?”  I’m sure I mentioned we don’t have kids in casual conversation at a few work functions when her and I chatted while our hubbies were occupied. I don’t recall if I gave any more info than that though. The phone call today and the question about school districts reminded me that this house buying experience is going to suck big time!!!! Just looking on my own has already been challenging, I can count on ONE hand how many of these houses for sale have NOT had a beautifully set up nursery.  Now that we have an agent, we will have to physically stand in these nurseries if we want to tour a house.

I am anticipating many emotional tantrums in my future. I have already tried to predict the other family planning related questions she might have and how I will answer them. I think I may have a small chat with her up front. Maybe if I “answer” a few of the necessary questions ahead of time (on my own terms) rather than waiting to be asked, it will be less uncomfortable for all of us. I have to believe that somehow, buying a house can still be a fantastic, exciting experience for us. If you happen to have any house buying advice (IF or non IF advice) please feel free to share! I’m shakin’ in my boots over here!

Much Love To All!

Are they nagging or Tagging?

Are you tired of your nagging spouse? Do you feel as though nothing you do will ever be good enough for him/her? Can your spouse answer yes to those questions? If so, there is a book with the answers you need! The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

PC showed me this book in 2006, the year we got back together. When I opened the book and skimmed through the pages, I could see his handwritten notes everywhere. Naturally I agreed to read it as well because it seemed very important to him. I am so glad I did! The basic idea of this book is that everyone FEELS love differently. Some people feel loved when they hear those 3 words, I love you. Some people need physical touch to feel loved. This book outlines 5 different ways people feel loved, 5 different love languages. I realized my love language is Acts of Service. Pretty self explanatory, I feel loved when PC does things for me. It could be washing the dishes when I don’t feel well, washing the car, emptying his pockets on his desk and not my kitchen counter I just cleaned while he was at work, or stopping by the store on his way home and picking up the milk. He doesn’t have to do all of those things all of the time. But when he does any of those things (especially if I haven’t asked him do them) it fills up my emotional bank account. If you are unfamiliar with the emotional bank account, click here  to read a previous post of mine.

Once I took the quiz in the back and got THAT result, everything made sense! I have mentioned before that PC and I were married, got divorced and are now married again. During our first marriage I can remember one topic that was ALWAYS part of our arguements….the trash. The anger/disappointment I felt when he didn’t take the trash out for me was confusing. But why? Why was the stupid trash such a huge deal to me? Well because THAT is how I understand love!! I feel very much loved when he takes the trash out for me, or something similar. I felt especially loved when he took the trash out for me back then because I was working a full time job at the time. “How sweet of my husband to help me around the house because he knows I had a long day too. We both live in this house and work full time. If he loves me he will do his fair share rather than leaving it all for me to do.” When we argued about this it, my side of the conversation sounded something like.. “Is it because I’m the woman? Even though I work a full time job because sometimes it takes 2 incomes to survive these days, I am still responsible for ALL of the house work and such because that’s what your mom did for your dad? Well I’m not your mom!!” Can you see how far that fight can go? So we would end up arguing about the difference between men and woman, about his mom and dad, my parents, and so many things OTHER than why taking the trash out was so important to me. I didn’t know why it was so important to me but I knew how it made me feel when he didn’t do it. So that’s what we “discussed” every time.

“What one act of service has your spouse nagged about consistently? Why not decide to see the nag as a Tag? Your spouse is Tagging this as really important to him or her. If you choose to do it as an expression of love, it is worth more than a thousand roses” That is brilliant! It can be found in the chapter outlining the Acts of Service language but I feel as though it fits into all of the languages. A single red rose could be worth more than watching a thousand movies together. Or vise versa. I would rather PC wash the dishes than EVER EVER buy me roses again!! It means so much more to me than flowers. I am not encouraging husbands and wives all over the world to nag their spouses and I am in NO way justifying the typical nagging behaviour. I am just suggesting that you take a second to evaluate the situation in a new light. If you feel like your spouse nags you about something all the time it might be a good idea to figure out why what they are nagging you about is so important to them. If you are not speaking your spouse’s love language then maybe, just maybe, their nagging is actually Tagging…

If you can’t go out and buy the book or you aren’t much of a reader, you can go to 5lovelanguages.com and click on the tab at the top that says profile, then click love and you will be directed to the quiz. It can be a life changer.

Much Love To All.

Now what?

I always have a million things swirling around my head. For the past two days it has been my career or lack thereof. I feel like there are many directions I can take my experience and limited education but I don’t know any of them. I have been out of work, voluntarily, for a few years now. I feel like it might be time to put that kind of structure back into my life. But where do I start?

I have no formal degree, just a handful of child related certificates and a few other non related credentials.

Four years of college is not an option for me for several reasons. I am not what you call book smart. If I am not interested in or even passionate about the subject, I won’t retain 80% of the material. Which leads to a low grade. I have no idea how I graduated high school. All of the continued education I have had in the past, it was ECE or infant related and naturally I aced that stuff.

My interests involve children ages 0 – 5 yrs or so, music, photography, helping people and teaching.

I have worked in childcare most of my life. I taught in every classroom available (nursery through after-school care) and also in the office as  assistant director. And NO, owning my own daycare is not a dream of mine. I have considered it though. I have also considered working as a licencing rep, the rep from the state that visits centers to be sure they are following the state’s minimum standards.

Another job I enjoyed VERY much was working in the children’s shelter. That was an amazing opportunity and in some ways, more rewarding than any other job I have ever had. The particular shelter I worked in is too far away for me to drive to every day and I have not heard great things about the one closest to me.

There is this certificate for Newborn Infant Care Specialist. It isn’t too expensive and the course isn’t long. I am just unsure of the job opportunities this particular certificate offers. When I google it, it looks as though this cert would only be useful in 1 or 2 companies in town. These companies offer doula/midwife services including overnight assistance, where someone holding this certificate would go to a new parents home and care for the infant during the night so the parents can sleep. They would also teach them how to get baby on a sleep schedule and more. Sounds interesting but the limited job opportunities with this education makes me worry about whether it is worth the money. The program also offers an instructor course which sounds even more interesting to me. I would learn everything I need to know to teach others (doulas/midwives/new parents) what they need to know about caring for an infant. Ugh…

I have always felt the need to work in the medical field. The only way I can see combining medical with children is to become a midwife. After doing my research, specifically the requirements of my state, it sounds like a GREAT career for me. There are only a few cons though. The cost of the schooling in a bit more than we are comfy with right now, especially since we would like to buy a house some time soon. And the length of the schooling is longer than I would like. That is just a personal preference that I could get over though. I am an impatient person and when I set my mind on a goal or get excited about something, I want to do it and see results now! The courses are online and are expected to take about 34 months to finish. Also, I would have to find somewhere local to do the clinicals, a minimum of 24 months worth and 1350 contact hours of clinical apprenticeship with one or more approved preceptors. It’s a lot of time and money to commit to. I don’t want to bite off more than I can chew.

I should probably call a local college and speak to one of the counselors there. Assuming their job is to genuinely help people figure out the right path for them (and not convince potential students to pick that college), it might be a great first step. Any suggestions are welcome as usual.

Much Love To All!

It all comes down to fear.

fearI have to say this weekend turned out much better than I thought it would. I had a lot on my mind and I was worried it would interfere with PC’s birthday weekend. We didn’t party hard this year. We spent time together here at home, visited the zoo, hung out with some great friends and more. Overall it was a nice weekend and I wasted time worrying that it would be horrible. What a waste of time. Silly me.

While at our friend’s house, a mutual friend showed up whom we hadn’t seen in quite some time. As we were catching up a bit he asked if I was still teaching. I answered with a firm no. His next question was “What do you do now?” to which I answered “Nothing! I’m enjoying a much needed break at the moment”. Naturally his next comment was “Oh, so you’re a stay at home mom. That’s cool.”. I giggled and said “Yeah, a stay at home mom who cares for an adult male I usually refer to as my husband.” We both laughed, as I internally prepared for the only logical question to follow…”Oh, that’s right, you guys don’t have kids. When are you going to have kids?”.  Usually it takes me a few seconds if not minutes to purposefully keep a straight face while deciding how to answer that question. This time I just looked at him and said “We aren’t”. To which he replied, “Wow, good for you guys!” he elaborated but that was the jest. I guess I’m used to the “Oh, why not, you would make such a great mom!” response. He probably thought I was a bit off my rocker because I just sat there staring at him with a smile on my face as he explained how acceptable he found our decision and never once did he ask why! It was a very refreshing change. Again, I realized that my fear of that subject is their response. But why be fearful? There is a chance they might react the way this man did. I felt comfortable enough with him to say something like “Well, it’s wasn’t an easy decision and we still have our moments when we wonder if we should but in the long run I think it’s the best decision for us”. Again he was supportive as he could be with the limited info he had about our situation.

Sunday evening as I was suffering from knots in my tummy because of my decision to not perform nor attend the memorial, my baby sis texted me. After a few short texts she said “I miss you btw” and then a bit later she said “You don’t know how much I love you”. Oh heavens!!!!! She got me in my feel goods right there! My baby sis and I are about 14 years apart. My dad remarried and they had her. We were very close when she was young but as she grew into her teenage years I was off to live life as a young adult. I didn’t see her much. She is married now with a baby of her own. Her’s was another one of those very painful announcements after my diagnosis. She wasn’t ready for a baby and the pregnancy was a surprise as well. Either way we haven’t been close for a while and with the hell my other sister has put me through I almost didn’t want to try with this one. But she has reached out several times lately. She even called me a couple months ago to ask a few questions about moonpie (that’s what I call my gorgeous niece) when she wasn’t feeling well. I was honored because this sister is particularly proud of her independence and asking for help means she is unable to do something on her own. The moral of this story is the same as the one in the previous paragraph. I was more afraid that my family would start drama than I was willing to fully accept my decision regardless of anyone’s reactions. I don’t care either way if my family approved of my choice to not got to the memorial but I know what kind of drama and trouble they are capable of, and I am not interested in being a part of it. Sometimes, just like with kids, I have to choose my battles with them wisely!

This whole weekend reminded me how often I allow my fears to control me. It is sad to think that I am aware of this and still let it happen. Whether we are talking about family building, memorial services or the clothes on my back (which by the way are as quirky as I am) I do NOT need anyone’s approval. I am not in control over their reactions to my decisions. That is not my responsibility and neither is worrying about it all BEFORE it happens! When will I realize that their possible reactions to my decisions don’t change my decisions, it only changes how horrible I feel while or after I make them! Ugh.  I am grateful for this weekend and the quality time I got with PC. I guess sometimes we just need to be reminded how fortunate we are, ya know in the big picture.  🙂

Much Love To All!