I know, I know, It’s not Monday.

It’s amazing where music can take you! No matter how you are feeling, the right song, lyrics, melody or even just the right beat can emotionally teleport you to paradise!

I woke this morning not feeling well at all. I am cramping like a calf muscle in a marathon, I was experiencing a hot flash upon waking, my head hurt, PMS is here to stay…etc. I plopped down on the living room couch and did my morning facebook check. No worries, my facebook is no longer a threat to my mental health since I performed some “deep cleaning” on it a while back. The first thing I noticed was a new video had been posted on you tube from some one I follow.

My mood changed IMMEDIATELY!

This man’s name is James Corden. I believe he is a late show host but I have never watched one of the shows. I found him on you tube. He does something called “Carpool Karaoke”. It is priceless!

Sooo…I’m just gonna leave this here…

Much Love To All!

Sarcasm, what is it good for?

Sarcasm…. Is it helpful or just hurtful?

If you have followed my blog you may already know I can be a tad sarcastic. Sarcasm and humor (even at inappropriate times) are a natural response for me. It runs through my veins. This post isn’t going to be a debate about whether or not sarcasm is helpful or hurtful. It is about why it is so helpful to me and always has been.

If I had to blame one of my parents for this sarcasm it would have to be my daddy. We do not always get along. When I was young we were mortal enemies. I was a very angry child most of the time (with very good reason and he knows it) and I relied on my “attitude” to get my point across. Sometimes it was the only time I was heard. I don’t think I need it for that anymore but the urge to make jokes or be sarcastic doesn’t just go away. The one thing my daddy and I always had in common was sarcasm. That’s how we communicate with each other, even to this day. I actually cherish those times, He is a different man today than he was when I was a child. We are closer today than we ever have been, especially since his stroke. For some reason, he is more concerned about my health and infertility now. I can’t explain why but I don’t mind. I don’t go into details with him of course but he wants to know about all of my appointments and he texts me randomly just to say “I love you”. We don’t exactly share feelings with each other. He hugs, kisses and says the words but anything more than that is too uncomfortable for him, for us. We just don’t share feelings…

My point is, I see my humor/sarcasm as a positive thing. It’s what I’m known for. Not juovaryactionsst with my daddy but with my other family members, friends and even my young students. My kids used to love cracking jokes and being silly. I think it played a huge role in my teaching style and success. Laughter/sarcasm is an outlet for me almost as much as music is. And it comes so naturally, like sneezing! It felt so good to know I could make people laugh. Especially during a difficult time. I could crack a smile on the saddest face in the room. But I lost that part of myself a few years ago. It happened just minutes after the doc told me I was infertile. Nothing funny or silly about that! I didn’t realize it was gone at first. Several months ago I did realize I was neglecting my love of music. I even started piano lessons that I eventually had to quit due to my health. But I remember feeling so grateful that I wanted to do it! That was the first step towards my old self and I was happy to see it.

Well…..My sarcasm came back today and it felt awesome! I was at the doctor’s office (ENT). The nurse that called me back looked as though she was having a bad day. Her hair kept falling out of her ponytail. I overheard her telling a co-worker earlier that she hadn’t had lunch yet and the look on her face was just miserable. She didn’t want to be there. So when she asked me “How are you doing today?” I replied with “Oh, better than some worse than others.”. The chuckle that came out of her mouth was hilarious! We chatted for a few minutes about my comment until the doctor came in.

I’m writing about this because I plan on posting more funny, silly or sarcastic things. If I can’t laugh about it what can I do….cry??? Yeah, been there done that and it hasn’t helped me heal. I think it is an important part of the healing process but it’s time for me to move to the next phase. To get back to the real me.

That being said, please let me know (kindly) if you ever feel like I have crossed a line at any time. I care for and respect all of my IF sisters (more than my real life ones) and no one ever taught or showed me how to be a good “sister”. Based on my crazy childhood, I wouldn’t recognize normal or appropriate if it jumped out and bit me. I am not here to offend anyone or minimize one single part of this journey, that is not my intent. This is just my next step in grief. My next step in getting my life back.

Much Love To All!

I am proud to say…I beat infertility!!

Okay, now be honest, what was your first thought after reading that title?

Seriously. What went through your mind?

Whether you were happy about it or not, did you wonder if this was a pregnancy announcement?

Let me clarify that right off the bat. I am not pregnant. This is not an announcement. Not that kind of announcement anyways. Maybe a PSA of sorts though. In honor of Infertility Awareness week, I thought I would bring attention to a part of Infertility that deserves more awareness in my opinion.

If you google “how to beat infertility” the results are depressing! Well at least for me they are. Go ahead try it. No? Alrighty then, Let tell you what you will see.

  • More than one full google page of websites describing “how to get pregnant”
  • a few sites about natural methods of conceiving
  • a couple of sites that look like blogs from families who finally conceived after _ years of ttc
  • there is even a youtube video titled “how get pregnant fast”. And no that is not a typo on my part, that is the actual title of the video!

What is the all-knowing inter-web forgetting here?

How about some info, just one result would do for now, about how to beat infertility child-free!!

I mean, obviously conceiving is a FANTABULOUS slap in infertility’s cowardly face (and sincere congrats to all who have done just that!) but is that the only way to beat this thing? I just don’t believe it is. This post is not aimed towards those women who have beat infertility by conceiving. It is an attempt to remind people there ARE others ways to beat this thing. I am in the middle of the same journey many women are in even though I have chosen not to continue TTC but no one will ever say that I beat infertility. Although I understand why people see it that way. I mean, the definition of infertility is “a disease of the reproductive system defined by the failure to achieve a clinical pregnancy after 12 months or more of regular unprotected sexual intercourse.” But most people just hear “can’t get pregnant”. So obviously if you are able to conceive, you won! Does that mean I will never win this battle? Once again, I am alone. I am part of a group of women that will never be recognized as strong or resilient for beating their disease. We will be known as the women who were lucky enough to survive ours. My choices may be different than most fighting IF but my feelings and emotions, and even some experiences, are still very similar. Whether I end up with a bundle of joy or not, I am heartbroken that my body is deceiving me and will likely continue to do so. My only chance of conception is a serious act of G*D or winning the lottery (aren’t those the same thing anyways?). And if that happens I will be ecstatic. But I must be prepared to live a life, a happy one, even if it doesn’t! For me, this is a must. I can’t put all my happiness on hold for a dream that may not come true. I prefer to see it differently. If that dream does come true, it will just be icing on the cake. The amazing cake that I was already enjoying even without that precious icing I longed for!

IF is the bad guy here. The monster that has invaded our bodies and changed our lives forever, in every possible way. It is not just about being unable to conceive. It’s about the sadness, the grief, anger, confusion, doctor’s appointments, blood tests, needles, lab work, anxiety, symptoms of whatever is causing your IF, announcements, questions, fertility advice and so on. Basically it is not just one monster, it is many. A large family of monsters who feed on our misery.

I could let IF bring me down. I could continue to allow my feelings to over take my every thought, like I did in the beginning. And as a HSP and an Empath, that would be so very easy for me to do! I could give in to the depression that seems to come and go as it pleases. I’m sure the monsters would just love that. I could also blame my husband. Why? Oh, nothing reasonable but isn’t the spouse the easiest person to take your anger out on? Not doing it. I could have lectured every young mom that so easily conceived and cluelessly announced it to me in front of everyone since my diagnosis. I could have flooded the walls of my facebook page with “whoa is me” posts like so many people do, even though their struggles are minor compared to what I’m feeling. The monsters would certainly jump up and down about that one. I could vow to never work with kids, and their parents, again. But I’m finishing the school I started years ago and I will go back to working in the field I belong in. Take that IF monsters!

I may not be successful at conceiving.

I may never adopt.

But I am beating infertility in my own way, the only way I know how!

So suggesting that the only way to beat infertility is to conceive….

It’s almost insulting.

Much Love To All!

Music Monday Birthday!

I am a few hours late with this post but I still have to post it. I loved this man and do to this day. What better day to post a music video from JBJ than on his birthday?

This song means a lot to me. My classmates and I (in the 6th grade) sang this song together on the last day of school. We had had a very stressful couple of years and we were now moving on to middle school. It was emotional because we lost a very dear friend the year before and I don’t know about them, but I still hadn’t recovered. I still struggle with her death. She was my very best friend and an amazing spirit. She suffered from Spina Bifida but it was a complication from her MD that took her life.

This was the first death I had ever experienced. I was 11 years old when she passed (12 yrs old the day of her funeral). Yeah, that birthday sucked! Anyhow, my home life was chaos and I looked to her for strength. For hope. For a smile. And she delivered, every time. And she didn’t even know it! I wasn’t sure what I would do without her.

So I did what I always did when I needed to escape reality, I turned to music. Bon Jovi was played often. Ok, often is an understatement really. I was addicted. Between me and my cousin, we had every album he had released. We were the ultimate “directioners” back in the day. Today’s teens have no idea how to be a #1 fan! Hehe. Because of artists like Bon Jovi, I learned at a very young age Music is what feelings sound like!

So today I say Happy Birthday John Francis Bongiovi Jr and thank you for all your support throughout the years!

If it wasn’t Music Monday I would have written about Dr. Seuss. Today he would have been 111 years old. Happy Birthday Theodor Seuss Geisel and thank you for proving how powerful imagination can be. “Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is youer than you”…

Much Love To All!

It started 20 years ago.

llap

There was this boy in high school.

He was the smart kind.

He was popular.

He was the “weirdo” standing in the rain because he gave his jacket to one of the girls who didn’t have one.

He was a geek.

He noticed.

He was noticed.

He was kind, funny, interesting and fun.

That boy introduced me to Star Trek, Star Wars and much more. Boys like to teach girls stuff. That is the stuff I let this boy teach me. The purpose of the death star, the crew on starship Enterprise.

That was 20 years ago, give or take.

I married that boy. Not right away (I’m rather hard headed) but I did.

To this day, I can see the pure joy/pride on his face when I make some sort of Star Trek reference.

We just learned this week, that my uncle is selling his family business.That business meant something to us, to PC and I. And not in a business way. We have memories there, trips we took to this place before we were even dating. We were sad to hear my uncle was selling this place we have so many good memories in.

I’m sure the passing of Leonard Nimoy isn’t such a big deal for most people but for us it kinda is. For us, it’s very similar to how we feel about the family business. We have great memories that revolve around this show, around Mr. Nimoy’s character. PC hasn’t heard about this yet. I have to break the news to him this evening. I know he will be sad. Maybe it just reminds us of our age. Or of the good times, ya know before all this grown-up responsibility crap.

It’s how we started.

Rest ever so peacefully Commander Spock! LLAP!

Much Love To All!

What would you accidentally make?

accidentally

So True! I wish I could do either but since I can’t accidentally make a baby, couldn’t the universe grant us the ability to accidentally make something else instead. Like pizza… Or ice cream. Or something else yummy yet less fattening?!?

Or something not edible?

WORLD PEACE!

I mean, it sounds fair to me!

Sorry ladies, you can’t produce a human but as a consolation prize take this ability to produce super powers!!! Um, yes please.

Does it make up for what we are missing out on. Well of course not but I might be less depressed in my invisible mansion I accidentally made with my super powers!

Haha, the fantasy is real people. I am the kind of gal that would actually waste time imaging what I would do with the power to accidentally make something. The good thing about this fantasy is that it sounds like something I would have said/done 5 years ago before any of this IF stuff even existed in my silly world full of small children. I am hopeful that one day I will get the old me back. I know, I will never be exactly the same and I am ok with that. I would really like my spunk back though. The parts of me that still saw the good in things and didn’t sweat the small stuff. The girl that absolutely LOVED being around small children and maybe teaching them or their caregivers a little something. When I used to call or text people just for the hec of it to see what was new, not a long conversation – just a short “I’m thinking about ya” kinda thing. The gal who wreaked of sarcasm, smiles, jokes, silliness and passion. Boy I miss her…

So for now, I’m going to imagine what I would accidentally make if I had that ability….

What would you make accidentally? And no “enough money to pay for fertility treatments or adopt a houseful of kiddos” is not an acceptable answer. What would you make that has nothing to do with that thing we can’t make like everyone else????

Much Love To All!

Music Monday

I’m taking a break from posting mash-ups. Not an easy task for me because I have a great selection of them. But….

Introducing… Boyce Avenue.

If you haven’t heard these guys, you must check them out. This is one of their originals. It’s called “On my way”.

This album is amazing! They started out doing covers on youtube. That is where my sister and I found them. Alejandro, the lead singer, did a cover of “Bleeding Love” by Leona Lewis. I was hooked after seeing that video. I have seen them live several times and also had the chance to meet all 3 of them. That was back in the day, when tickets to their concerts were like 20 bucks and they were performing in venues that only held 50 people or so. They are very nice guys as well as talented. I saw them on America’s Got Talent. Not as contestants but they were the musicians on stage for the contestants.

I will probably post more of their songs/covers at some point.

I have another doctor’s appt tomorrow so I will save my health update for later on this week.

Much Love To All!