Not my choice

My dermatologist called this morning with the results of my biopsy.

The mole – or more accurately the funky darker blob on top of the mole – is malignant. I have skin cancer. Melanoma. I was experiencing some anxiety while I was on the phone with her so I don’t think I retained everything she said. And it is still sinking in. This is what I now as of now:

• I caught it early.
• She referred me to a surgeon. A plastic surgeon for some reason.
• She wants me to start seeing an oncologist.
• The plastic surgeon will perform the surgery I need to excise more of the skin around where the mole was.
• Based on the results of the biopsy my dermatologist took, he will also biopsy my nearest lymph node during said surgery.
• I do not know what stage it is yet. I believe the surgeon (or results after surgery) will tell me that. If I compare what the dr said this morning with my quick glance on webmd, it is likely stage 1, bordering stage 2.
• I will see my dermatologist every three months for a full body check looking for other melanomas.

I don’t know what to do now. I don’t plan on telling anyone. Growing up with a psychopathic attention whore has made me want to keep my whole life on the down low. I don’t want anyone to EVER feel about me the way I feel about her. Eventually I’m sure I share with my closest peeps but for right now I will just keep it to myself. Except for PC of course, and you guys. I decided to blog about it for a couple of reasons. While I am still in the “diagnosing” stage of this my thoughts are directed towards my IF struggle.

I am frustrated that my hysterectomy will AGAIN have to be put on hold for yet another surgery. Is this a sign? If you believe in that kind of thing (I certainly do) is this a sign that the hysterectomy is not the right choice for me?  Every time I get close to scheduling it or at least being “ready” to, something more pressing comes up. Maybe I don’t have endometriosis and G#D or the universe, or whatever you believe in, is trying to tell me that before I go through with the hyster for nothing. If so, I better find out what is really going on, like right now right now. I don’t want these “distractions” to get any more serious than this! Technically, the hyster is optional. I could choose to treat my symptoms in another way. I don’t have a choice with this melanoma. Which leads me to my next point.

I don’t have a choice!

I don’t have a choice!

Ugh!!!!! That bothers me so much. If you only look at the way I handle myself, I am a total control freak. Ex: When PC and I go somewhere, I drive. I trust his driving completely. Has nothing to do with that. But I feel more comfy if I do it. The part of surgery that scares me the most is being “out”. I have no control over my own body while I’m out. And in the IF area….I’m not in control. Being infertile is not my choice.

I like having choices. I like having options. I like making my own decisions.

I think I am going to distract myself with some extreme couponing today. It’s a new hobby I have been looking into. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Much Love To All!