Put the glass down!

After reading an inspiring post by waiting for baby bird, (<—– a must read for sure!) I remembered I had the following story saved on my laptop. I used to read it several times a week but after a while I just forgot about it. I think it is worth reading again.


I am the queen of holding onto my glasses for as long as my body will allow and then complaining about the pain. Not fair. Of course, I am not fully aware of what I am doing while I’m doing it but in hindsight, it seems a tad ridiculous! Doesn’t it? I mean, I complain about the people in my life that cause their own problems or at least could have prevented the drama they are upset about. I used to say “You can’t really complain about your injury when you are the one who chose to touch the burner even though it was bright red and obviously hot!” I was like a broken record with that metaphor. And now I realize I have been doing the same thing in a way.

I know the longer I hold onto my glass the longer it will hurt. So do I have the right to complain about the pain? I guess if I knew exactly how to put each glass down, then the answer would be no. I am not sure I have figured out how to do that though. So how does one “put the glass down” without becoming the all too familiar angry, bitter soul who has shoved their feelings down for so long they finally crack? How do we move past the problem without retaining some of the emotions attached to it? Looks like I have more questions than answers here. So logically my next goal should be to find these answers. Maybe my therapist would be a good person to ask.

How amazing would life be if we could access our “glasses”, process them for a minute, then pour the water out and put them in the dishwasher? Sounds like paradise to me.

Food for thought. Suggestions always welcome.

Much Love To All!

I Have a Staring Problem

This is a must read! It’s something I have thought about alot but could never put into words like this!

Waiting for Baby Bird

Tabitha Eye

I have come to realize that I have this problem. Well actually, I have known about it for a while. My husband always points it out to me when we are waiting for a table at our favorite restaurant or walking through the mall. Or Target. Or the parking lot. Or sitting in the doctor’s office. Or even putting the groceries into the car. I always laugh him off and respond by saying “I can’t help it”.

But lately I have realized that my staring problem extends far beyond the couple arguing in the corner of the restaurant or the mother disciplining her child as she puts them in their car seat. It’s deeper than staring at the teenage girl yelling at her boyfriend or the child throwing a fit in the doctor’s office.  You see, I like to stare at chairs. I know…it’s weird. But stick with me…

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Music Monday

I decided not to post another mash-up as I promised last week. I ran across this video while preparing for the mash-up and had to post it! I was thoroughly impressed with this video. I believe the description says he did this in one take. I’m so jealous! I was definitely inspired by this one! I hope you appreciate this as much as I did. After last week’s Music Monday post I started looking into software for mixing and editing. I did find a program and for the past week I have been giving it a try. I have a lot to learn about the program itself and about “mixing” altogether. I have a project started and I can’t wait to share it. I’m not interested in going pro with this but I haven’t had this much fum in a long time! I have an ear for it but I lack the technical abilities to make a project with a professional sound to it. The process is amazing! The first night I tried it out, I looked at the clock and realized I had been playing with it for about 6 hours!! Haha. I should have been sleeping!

And now for a mini update:

I have a busy day ahead of me but I’m ready for it. I think I am getting a little more nervous about my upcoming surgery to remove my gallbladder. I did learn a valuable lesson today though. If you are in a similar situation as I am in, trade in your bra for your bathing suit top! I tried this today and I am so glad I did. The underwire is so very uncomfortable when you feel like the organs under your ribs are about to burst. It’s not even comfy for PC to lay his arm around my side! Ugh! The bathing suit with was so freeing today! No underwire. I obviously did not get the same support as my bra gives me but I can deal with that until this is over. I am actually starting to wonder if the pressure from the underwire in my bra was causing me more problems than I realized. I lasted longer than usual running errands today and not once did I get dizzy or begin to panic. There has to be something to that. So I am running errands again today wearing my bathing suit top under my blouse. Fingers crossed, I have a good day!

Here’s hoping you all have a good day also. I welcome any comments regarding the gallbladder issue and I especially welcome any tips from someone with experience using music editing software. Help a girl out, would ya?

Much Love To All!

And the verdict is in.

My GI office called today with my scan results. Everything looks good according to the abdominal ultrasound, except for the gallstones floating around my gallbladder. They are sending me the info for a general surgeon they recommend. I need to have my gallbladder removed.

I am nervous, scared, anxious, and ecstatic to finally have answers! So now what do I do? Is surgery my only option? Well my GI says it is but what about all of the natural methods out there in the virtual world PC and I have read about.

PC and I have considered doing a few cleanses. There is a cleanse for every organ it seems. The concern most people have about the gallbladder cleanse is if the gallstones are too big, they could get stuck in the bile duct which would be a serious complication. In addition to that concern, I have also read that many doctors don’t even believe it is possible for a gall stone to be eliminated naturally. They claim what people see in their stool during the cleanse is not actually gallstones but the discarded form of all the ingredients they ingested for the cleanse. Plus the process of the cleanse is not a pleasant one at all. In my case I would just be making all of my symptoms worse in order to hopefully get rid of them all together. This could take months if not years!

The only reason I would consider an alternative to gallbladder removal is my (possibly irrational) fear of the surgery failing to relieve my symptoms. The only explanation for that would be if my gallbladder is not the only culprit here. But I am no doctor so how can I know for sure? I guess that answer will come when I take my test/scan results to a general surgeon or even my PCP to get an explanation. If my PCP agrees that my results point to only the gallbladder, then I can stop worrying about that.

There might be one more reason for my hesitation. I’m stalling. If I’m being totally honest I have appreciated the break from my regularly scheduled va-jay-jay exams. This gallbladder stuff has taken over and my IF appointments have been benched. I ran out of BCPs last month and postponed my follow-up with my gyn. The last time I saw her she wanted me to take time to consider the laparoscopic and then a hysterectomy. Once my gallbladder is taken care of, I have to go back to deciding if I want my useless, empty uterus removed. Yay! <–insert sarcasm here

For someone so scared of surgery, I sure am facing a lot of it! I have never had surgery. Well that isn’t entirely true. I had surgery on my neck when I was 2 months old but that one doesn’t count.

I have decisions to make. If any of you have had trouble with gallstones and would like to share your experience please leave a comment. Any info would be helpful.

Much Love To All

Music Monday Mash-up

It’s a few minutes after midnight so technically, it’s Music Monday. Today I have decided to post 2 songs that I think sound very much alike. In fact, when I heard video #1 (released in 2014) on the radio for the first time, I instinctively started singing the chorus to video #2 (released in 2005).

Here is the newer song that caught my attention on the radio. It is called “Me and my broken heart” by Rixton.

If the chorus to that song doesn’t already sound familiar to you I can only assume you have never been much of a Rob Thomas (or Matchbox 20) fan. That’s ok, I don’t judge. Lol. Here is the song I started singing when it got to the chorus…

The second video is Rob Thomas (lead singer of the group Matchbox 20) singing his solo hit “Lonely No More”.

The verses have many differences that can be ignored but the chorus is too similar for me to go un-noticed. If you play the videos at the same time during the chorus it’s very obvious. The notes are similar as is the arrangement of the entire chorus. There are a few runs in each that are not identical. The first video by Rixton starts out with their chorus and in the second video with Rob Thomas his first chorus starts at approximately 0:42 seconds. Go ahead give it a try. Even if the two videos aren’t completely in sync, you can hear the similarities.

I am not attempting to bash or accuse the band Rixton. I have no evidence they had ever heard Rob Thomas’ song before. I just find these kinds of things very interesting. For me it is a major music inspiration. Like the video I posted week before last. Two songs that can be glued together into one magical piece of music. To be able to recognize the similarities and the differences, and hopefully, one day, be able to just sit down at my piano and play them. I joke around with PC often about the “Man Cave” he thinks he will have in our future home. I tell him he is crazy if he thinks I’m not using that space for a music studio. Well, I don’t know if I can stick to my guns on that one but I WILL have a music space. A spare bedroom, a shed in the back, hell, who needs a dining room table? It’s just the 2 of us… Hehe! Eventually I would love to have the equipment I need to put together my own medley’s and mash-ups. How fun would that be? I could play around with sounds, tones, rhythms, and bits and pieces of thousands of songs. With the proper equipment I could have put these 2 songs together in one video for you, making it easier to hear the similarities. Ok, I’m starting to ramble on here. If you know of a couple of songs that sound similar, leave me a comment and I will check it out. Music suggestions are always welcome!

Stay tuned for next week’s Music Monday Mash-up! I’m on a roll now…

Much Love To All!

Are you in control of your own “account”?

I recently noticed how much I have allowed my jewelry business to fall onto the back burner. I got so wrapped up in my health and emotions I forgot how rewarding it was to be creative. So tonight I set out to start AND FINISH a necklace. And this is the result.

ribbon1I had to take a beginner’s course in sewing to be sure I was doing it right. I used sheer pink ribbon and sewed chocolate beads onto it. Technically I am not finished, I still need to complete the clasp. That will require a little shopping though. I don’t have the pieces I need for this particular clasp.

My hope for this year is to get motivated about this business again. When I first got started I was all business. I was networking, shopping, organizing and researching everything I could about owning a small business. That lasted about 3 or 4 months. Then I kind of forgot about the work that needed to go into it. This year I vow to stay on track no matter what my body decides to spring on me next. Not only do I want to be a business owner, I need to remember how therapeutic this process is for me. It’s a great way to make deposits into my “bank account”. If you missed my post about that, you can find it here.

I think I realized yesterday how low my funds are. It’s not something I think about often but yesterday I stopped by the gas station to pick up a few things my dad and step mom asked for. While there, the clerk asked to see my ID. After the shock wore off, I handed my him my license. After he inspected it and realized I’m in my late 30’s, he apologized and said “Wow. you look really, really good”. This is a man I have seen on a weekly basis for a couple of years now. He knows me and PC, yet he acted like he didn’t even recognize me. I thanked him for his kindness and jokingly told him he could ask for my ID anytime. As I drove to the hospital to see my dad I found myself smiling. I was flattered. What woman wouldn’t be, right? It gets better. While sitting with my dad and step mom downstairs in the common area, two other patients joined us. Both were veterans, one was a sergeant. My dad has gotten the chance to know these gentlemen in the past month or so. He introduced me as his oldest daughter. Immediately the sergeant asks my age. When I told him I am 36 he says “What? Really? You look 25 at the most!” He then went on to ask how I could be so pretty coming from my dad. Everyone laughed at his sarcasm. It was a lengthy conversation considering it was mostly about my age and looks.

I was as baffled as I was flattered though. Yesterday, I was tired, not feeling well and thanks to my tummy problems I was dealing with severe hunger pains. It was not one of my good days. I just brushed my teeth, threw on my over-sized hockey jersey (that I usually only wear to bed) and skipped the make-up routine all together. My hair was wavy (I thought it looked kind of sloppy) from sleeping in braids the night before, and I grabbed my tennis’ and walked out the door. I wasn’t dressed like a bum but I certainly didn’t put half the effort into my appearance as I usually do.

My thought is, if my “bank account” had more funds available yesterday’s events wouldn’t have been such a big deal to me. That’s probably why I had such an urge to make another necklace. It’s like my subconscious remembered how rewarding it is for me. You would think I would be creative much more often since I know how I enjoy it and how it makes me feel. An extension of this thought is, maybe I have been relying too much on others to make deposits. Why can’t I be responsible for my funds? I can add to my account as often as I want! I am the one who knows when it is low, right? Well that is my other vow for the year. Take responsibility for my own “bank account”!!

Much Love To All!

Music Monday

Joan Osborne – Spider Web

This week’s video is a throw back for me. I remember listening to this cd over and over again. During this time period I was more interested in alternative music and heavy metal. Joan Osborne is most known for her song “One of us”.

The meaning of this song always struck me. I’m not even sure I had a theory back in the day about the meaning. It was interesting anyhow. I guess there are a couple of ways to interpret these lyrics.

“When you’re feelin’ lonely, when you’re hidin’ in your bed, Don’t forget your string of pearls. Don’t forget your spider webs.”

Maybe Joan is insinuating a spider web is anything that might be holding us back from our true potential. Or perhaps the spider web is the result of not reaching our potential. I would like to thing that Ray Charles would still have become the artist he did, with or without is sight. But honestly, did his lack of sight create the internal determination he needed to become an artist? I guess we will never know. I am glad he pursued music, either way.

I am up late (early I guess?) because I have to snack now before 7am. After that I must fast for my tests later today. First is the ultrasound of the abdomen and after that I have something called a HIDA test. All I know about that one is that it involves an IV for the contrast and can take around an hour and a half to complete. These are not IF tests. They are for my tummy troubles. Ps..if you know what the HIDA is, please keep it to yourself until after I go through it. The less I know before hand the less chance I will freak out and not show up. I can’t let that happen. I need answers!!! I will get the results sometime later this week, hopefully. I’m anticipating gallstones and possibly surgery to get that gallbladder out. I will try to post an update when I know more.

Much Love To All!

My Daddy had a visitor

A tweet from the United States Secretary of Veterans Affairs, Bob McDonald. Just a picture him and my dad chatting at the VA hospital today…


I called my dad to let him know a picture of today’s events is on twitter. My dad doesn’t even understand what twitter is but he was thrilled. Mr. McDonald toured the hospital, talked with staff and visited a few patients on the PolyTrauma floor. That is where my dad lives at the moment. My dad is the one sitting in the chair, the lady is my step mom, the man in the suit is the secretary and the doctor is someone my dad says he has never met until today. Lol. I think he might be the head of neurology but I could be wrong about that part.

When I called my dad to ask him about the experience he just went on and on. It turns out Sec McDonald was also 82nd Airborne, stationed at Fort Bragg at the same time my dad was. He says Mr. McDonald even mentioned going out for a beer someday when daddy gets back to himself. Dad also said the hospital was asking him yesterday if he would approve a visit but they wouldn’t tell him who. I think he realized how serious it was when he saw the security convoy walking around. Then while the secretary was in daddy’s room there were several security men with earpieces and wires going down the back of their shirts. That’s probably when it sank in for my dad.

I think all of this special treatment feels weird to my dad. He says he would understand if he had made a career out of the Army. But he didn’t so he doesn’t see why anyone cares about his health. The VA hospital has treated him (and the other patients) like royalty or something. I guess my dad isn’t used to that. There is a kitchen on the floor he is on and the food is all free!! Several organizations, including HEB, donate regularly to the hospital. That was hard for him to get used to. I can only hope that everyone there understands how much this kind of treatment means for a man like my father. Having a stroke is a life changing event. Not just physically but very much emotionally as well. The little things they do to give them hope, to make them feel just as important now as before the stroke, it is priceless! It gives him hope. Without hope he would not be motivated. Without motivation he wouldn’t be walking again! And soon this motivation will help him work towards a full recovery on his right arm too. I have to pay it forward somehow. I will pay it forward!

My dad has nothing but good things to say about his Army experiences. He jumped out of airplanes while stationed in NC. He claims to have enjoyed every single jump. When I ask if he was scared he says “The scariest part was the plane ride home! Did you know on a civilian plane you do NOT get a parachute? I looked at that flight attendant and told she must have lost her mind if she thought I would ride without my chute! Then she showed me the face mask. I asked her what the hell that was for. I said..that might help me breathe better before I die but it ain’t gonna save me if this thing goes down!!!”

God bless our troops and their families! Thank you to all who have served.

Much Love To All

And it’s back…

Just when I think I am making emotional progress in this IF journey, something happens to bring me right back to my rock bottom.

A man in Florida is in custody after throwing his 5 year old off a bridge!!???

Ok, universe….WTF????????????

I say universe because I don’t have the balls to be openly angry or question GOD.

How can I not ask the age old question here? WHY WAS THAT MAN ALLOWED (OR ABLE) TO PRODUCE A HUMAN BEING?

This is not the first horrible story about a child with horrible parents. This one just hit me harder than any of the others I have heard recently. I immediately started crying.  I have experience working with abused and neglected children. I have seen a lot worse than this story, unfortunately! So I have to wonder what it is about this particular one that hit me so hard.

I have decided not to focus on that though. I wish I could decide to not focus on any of it. But that is not going to happen. I can’t stop thinking about this. I want to hop on a flight to Florida and introduce myself (and all my rage) to this man. That’s not going to happen either though.

And thanks to my HSP, I’m not just sad for me. Or for PC. I am sad for that little girl. I am sad for all of you. I am crying because many of you have suffered a loss! Something I haven’t been through. I just don’t understand why people who actually WANT a child have to try so fucking hard to conceive only to experience a loss, then there are people like this guy who probably got pregnant accidentally and likely didn’t give this child appropriate care for the short 5 years of her life!! It sucks! And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you are all struggling with IF. I’m sorry I feel so angry towards this particular man right now. I’m sorry I ever complain about my small struggles when compared to most suffering from IF, I have little to complain about. I’m sorry this post has no real point, other than this story has brought me to a “bad day”. I’m sorry I have given this idiot the power to make me feel like this after so much emotional progress lately.

I was so proud of myself because of our Christmas experience with PC’s family. I held the new baby in the family THE ENTIRE TIME we were there! I even felt like the rest of the family – who had already had the chance to meet and hold her – was giving me this chance of healing. No one tried to take her from me. I think they could tell how much I needed to enjoy holding a baby again. For so many reasons I needed to hold this baby. This 2 week old little girl was not passed around the room like she should have been. She layed in my arms. It felt good. It felt amazing actually. I didn’t cry. I wanted to but I didn’t. I fed her, changed her, and of course put her to sleep. I didn’t even put her down to change her wet diaper. I did it in my lap! Haha. For a few hours, I felt like my old self! I was answering questions about the baby’s care, like I used to. I was giving the very young mother some tips – upon her request of course. Who else was going to tell her the hole in the nipple was too big and that’s why the milk was under baby’s chin and not in her little belly?? I’m glad the momma asked because her answer to the problem was to not feed her as much because if she is spitting it out, she must not be hungry. Not even that made me angry. That solution sounded great if hunger was the actual problem. I was happy to have helped. Now this little baby won’t go hungry! I did a good thing. And it felt good to want to help this mom instead of wanting to scream at her and take her straight to the nearest planned parenthood clinic! I’m not saying the party wasn’t difficult for me emotionally but I filed this one under “a victory” because this time, I wasn’t angry!

And now thanks to this asshole I feel like I am back to square one! The anger I was so proud of not feeling, is back in full force. The bitterness that barely existed on a daily basis, also back. And to add to the mess, I am angry at myself for giving this man the power to make me feel this way again! I can not let this happen. I will go to the grocery store as planned and I will hold my head up. I will not stare at the ground as I walk, avoiding all human contact. I will smile. Ok, I will try to smile. I will be polite and pleasant. I will get everything on my list. I will do my best to change this bad day into a good one.

If you made it through to this point I’m confused but grateful. I promise my next post will make sense and will be more positive, maybe even inspiring!

Much Love To All!