Today I am aware, part 2

My last post could have been a novel rather than the few hundred words I wrote on this site. Maybe it is just the finality of this surgery that is responsible for this whirlwind of emotions and ah-ha moments.

Maybe this is just part of what some women in my situation go through before they have a hysterectomy.

I am not sure. Either way, I am suddenly very aware of things I had only considered until now.

• Today I am aware my husband is the only son in his family – Oh, the pressure is sometimes too much. The pressure I put on myself that is. Our last name stops with him. His DNA stops with him.
• Today I am aware my mother will never have any more than one grandchild – My sister had a partial hysterectomy a few years after she had my niece. Granted my sister doesn’t have a very good any kind of track record in the truth telling department and at the time she was probably blaming the need for this surgery on one of her many terminal illnesses she has miraculously survived over the years, but I do believe she actually had the surgery.  I know my mother wanted more grandkids. I know she wanted one from her first born. She used to talk about that constantly.
• Today I am aware this surgery effects more than just myself – This isn’t enough to change my mind about it but I am sad that my decision will impact my family and friends. This is also a lot of pressure for me to put on myself.
• Today I am aware that PC checked out “emotionally” right after my diagnosis – PC and I don’t talk about this topic (IF or anything related) as often as most couples probably do. I am not good at leaning on people in my life for emotional support so not talking about it was never a problem for me. In fact, sometimes I felt as though if we did talk about it more often, he wouldn’t have the emotional energy to just be there for me on my bad days. That works well for us. Ok, that worked well for us until now. The nurse called the other day to schedule my surgery. I told her I wasn’t ready to pick a day because we still aren’t positive what day we are closing on the house. (one life changing event at a time please). After I hung up…well, let’s just say PC “checked back in”. It all hit him at once.
• Today I am aware that PC doesn’t experience daily reminders in the same way I do – Well of course not in the same way but maybe not even as often. I realize I have been grieving for the past 4 years and he has not. He has the luxury of not thinking about this stuff so he can focus on work or me or…etc. I don’t have that option. I mean how do you train your brain to think about rainbows and kittens while your uterus is busy practicing it’s sword fighting skills inside your body? No seriously, if anyone knows how to do that please share with the class…

Most of the things I have mentioned are things I was already aware of. Things I have cried about several times in the past. For some reason I am thinking and feeling them with my whole mind, body and spirit now.

So where  do I go from here? PC is the most supportive hubby ever. But I don’t want him to keep his opinions of this surgery to himself (thinking he is supporting me by doing so) only to realize afterwards that he resents me for it. His reaction after that phone call was heartbreaking for me. I was angry that he was just now joining me on this painful journey. I was confused because I thought we were on the same page in regards to surgery but his questions made feel think other wise. I was sad. I could see the hurt in his eyes and it was crushing. He is going to need time to process this and I pray with all of my heart I can be patient enough to give him that.
Have you had a total hysterectomy? How did your partner handle it? How does a marriage survive this kind of thing? Will he ever be ok with this? Should I be expected to put my health on hold until he does? I mean, I’m staring down this tunnel ever one keeps talking about. I don’t see a light but I do see a future with out pmdd symptoms. I know this surgery won’t cure my endo but this no pmdd thing sure sounds like heaven to me! How do I stop heading down this very attractive tunnel, to give PC time to process, with out growing bitter and resentful for having to do so? I would greatly appreciate any suggestions/input!

• Today I am aware that Today PC is aware…

Much Love To All!

Today I am aware.

I seem to be having an emotional day.

Even through the whirlwind of emotions I am feeling right now, I am suddenly aware of so many things.

• Today I am aware that my new house will never have a nursery in it – PC and I were still on the parenthood journey when we started looking for a house. In fact, one of the reasons to consider buying a house was the size of our apartment. Perfect size for the 2 of us, not so perfect to raise kids in.  We finally found a house and should close in the next couple of weeks. 2 years ago I already had the nursery decorated thanks to Pinterest. Today it’s my music studio and hotel quality guest room that Pinterest is helping me with.
• Today I am aware I still need a space for kids in my new house – I may not be decorating a nursery but PC and I are the only ones without children. There will be children around. The best way for us to child-proof our house is to give the kids their own space. I love children but this realization comes with mixed emotions. Why should I child-proof my home for your kids? If you have been invited to our home, you already know our situation. Shouldn’t it be their responsibility to prepare? Bring activities, find a babysitter…. Then my guilt takes over. Before my diagnosis I had a kid’s room/space. I had separate bins…a few with extra teacher supplies the kids couldn’t touch (out of sight and reach) and a few with the extras they could. Our best friend’s daughter knows exactly where her bin is and can get into it without my help. Her and her sister have never heard the words “don’t touch that” in my house because, thanks to the toys they only see at our place, they are not interested in my breakables. So why do I feel so “put off” about providing the same thing in our new home??
• Today I am aware that having this hysterectomy will resolve many physical struggles but possible NONE of the emotional ones – I am almost afraid to be sad about this surgery because I do not want my doctor, or anyone else, worry that I regret this decision. The pain/grief of infertility does not consist of ONLY not being able to conceive. For me it is also the WHY I can’t conceive. Where is the major malfunction in my body? Why do I appear to be the only one with this malfunction? Could this malfunction have been prevented? I even asked my gyn if she could/would examine the organs she takes out. She knows me pretty well, so that question did not surprise her at all. She said “I will look for an answer, I promise”. It is the feeling of isolation, regardless of the outcome. It is the loss of control over your own life. Not just the loss of a dream but the loss of choice in the changing of said dream.
• Today I am aware I will always be different – I am a part of a small statistic of society. At first I did not choose to be childfree and then I did. I have received many mixed reactions when family/friends hear that we have decided not to do fertility treatments. I can respect their opinions but do they respect mine? The ones who feel like I am just giving up and will one day regret it, will likely always feel that way. I must be prepared to defend our decision for the rest of my life, with friends, family and even strangers.
• Today I am aware of my gut – NOTE: If you are unfamiliar with Empaths or HSP’s, you can skip this paragraph if you would like. My empath abilities seem to be precognitive (mostly dreams) and Claircognizance.  Unfortunately I have mostly focused on the negative stuff in the past. Although I am always glad I listened to my gut in those situations, I have been advised to start paying attention to the positive as well. Today I am doing that. Even though I am having an emotional day and even though I will probably continue to have days like this…I know PC and I are on the right path. My gut says my upcoming hysterectomy will be a blessing for me and my exhausted body and mind. And that this is the right house for us, with or without a nursery. For this reason, today, I can see being an empath as a gift and not a curse.
• Today I am aware PC is not ready for this surgery

Much Love To All

The Value of those without Children in Society

Food for thought…

A Few Pieces Missing From Normalcy - An Infertile Man's Perspective

I’m going to write this piece as politely as possible and my intention is to get everyone to think rather than offend people. This piece also is not directed at any one person as this is a societal norm.

Until infertility came along I never fully recognized the bias society has towards those with children. In the work place in families, in the media and everyday life people with children are given a break more so than those without children. If you have two employees one has kids who can’t stay late because of their kids softball/baseball game and the other doesn’t have kids but has a dinner date with their spouse it’s easy to know which one will have to stay late. Same goes for families with aging parents where the sibling without kids has to take on the responsibility of taking care of their parents rather than the…

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Shhhhhhh…..

That moment when you are excited but you don’t want to act or even look excited because it might jinx it all…. Yeah, I’m there. Since getting sick in October, PC and I have a joke around our house. When I’m having a “good” day I let him know by saying “Shhhhh”. It’s my way of saying I’m feeling better today without actually saying those words.

We found a house. We made an offer. They accepted our offer.

I trusted my gut this time, with zero influence from anyone, and it paid off. I haven’t started packing, changed our address or anything. I’m afraid of jinxing it. This is the farthest we have made it in the process of over a year! I love the house! If everything goes as planned we will close on the house towards the end of the month. I’m nervous and excited all at the same time.

I also saw my gyn today for the first time since October of last year. She was happy to hear I had my gallbladder removed and am feeling better. She gave me all of the necessary paperwork for my hysterectomy. She still feels it’s the best choice for me and I agree. So now I just need to pick a date and schedule it. My feelings about this are also conflicted. I’m so excited to get some closure for this chapter of my life.. I am so ready to say goodbye to my excruciating periods and pms. At the same time, I don’t want to celebrate yet. I wish I didn’t have this “waiting for the other shoe to drop” feeling following me around. I am always preparing for the worst whether I want to be or not. I can’t help it.

I hope you all had a great 4th!

Much Love To All!