I love her so much but…….


Why does it seem that every time I feel like I’m taking steps forward it comes with some massive baggage?? Take my upcoming surgery for example. I am nervous but very excited to finally take care of one of my health problems, for good! But…..

My mom wants to be there!

I think it’s list time. I know I rely on list making a lot but they help me make sense of my thoughts and usually help me make a decision as well. I’m sorry if they annoy any of my readers.

“My mom being there” Pro’s

  1. She is a great support.
  2. She could pick up a little slack so PC doesn’t feel like he’s responsible for everything
  3. She would keep PC company while I’m in surgery or sleeping…
  4. This may not make sense to a lot of people but I am not my mom’s child. I am her parent. That is our relationship dynamic. And also the topic of 95% of my therapy sessions. I have taken care of her since I was about 8 years old. My childhood was not normal at all and I was forced to grow up very quickly. I resent that sometimes but I think I would be lost without it. She feels like she owes me for all the things I have done for her over the years. I don’t see it that way but I know she does. Therefore, I know how good it would feel to her to have the opportunity to take care of me instead the other way around. She would love to play mommy again to her first born baby. So basically instead of this whole paragraph I could have just said It would make her very, very happy for me to need her!

“My mom being there” Con’s

  1. There won’t be enough time to go get her Monday morning (surgery day), so that means my mom will be spending the night with us Sunday night. Not only do PC and I live in a small one bedroom apartment but….
  2. Sunday is our anniversary! So PC and I will be spending our anniversary driving to pick up, driving all the way home and spending the night with, my mother.
  3. I know I’m mentioning our anniversary a lot but, thanks to my tacky ass, spiteful sister, that day is more significant and important to us than it ever has been. PC and I have been celebrating this exact same date for 19 years! It’s not just our wedding anniversary. It’s the day we started dating, the day PC proposed, the day we got married AND the day we got re-married! (and yes my sister was aware of all of that when she decided to get married on this same date last year)
  4. The down side to #4 on the Pro’s list up there. Having her around is like have a child around. I have to spend a lot of my mental energy (and physical) on her needs. “I’m dizzy and weak but I have to help her up these stairs. PC can’t do it, he’s carrying all her bags and her dog”, “I can’t let her stand in the kitchen and cook. Her back is killing her right now even though she says it’s not”, “PC, can you please go stand in the kitchen with her, her leg is about 30 seconds away from going numb which means she is about to fall, and she won’t let me help!”, “I need to get the bed rails out of the closet because she falls off the bed”, “Is there an open outlet for her CPAP? She can’t sleep without it.”, “What if she has a seizure? What if I’m not around? Does PC know what to do?”….See??? That doesn’t sound like fun.. It sounds like unneccessary worry and responsibility!
  5. If I don’t go get her, she will ask my sister to bring her. In case you haven’t noticed, I do not care to see my sister. Ever again! Her voice makes me nauseous. And if my sister brings mom, I know it won’t be for the right reason. She won’t just be trying to help. She always has an angle. But that means I will be spending my time trying to figure out her damn angle so my mom doesn’t end up hurt, like usual.
  6. If #5 happens I will be spending my recovery time “picking up the pieces” of whatever drama my sister’s angle has caused. Although in all fairness, the drama might be as simple as my sister asking mom for gas money (which my very gullible mom will fall for) leaving PC and I helping mom out financially for the rest of the month, even though we are still trying to save for a house and the move.
  7. Just thinking about all of this is stressful. Which is not good when the illness I’m fighting is induced by stress!!!!!!
  8. It would break my mom’s heart if she isn’t there.

Well it looks like there are more con’s than pro’s. But I feel really horrible about the con’s. And I didn’t come to a conclusion. I guess I still have some time to decide but I don’t like to leave things undone. I like to have a plan. I rely on having a plan. Especially if I decide not to go get her, I have to plan on how to tell my mom without breaking her heart. I’m exhausting myself so if you made it this far, thanks for hanging in there champ!

Much Love To All!

Is it all related somehow?

As PC and I enter the journey of deciding whether I should have this hysterectomy or not, I am feeling very over whelmed.

At my last appointment my gyn decided to give me 2 new medications that might relieve my symptoms some until we make our decision about the surgery. She gave me wellbutrin and a different bc pill, similar to the first one I took. I decided to only start one med at a time based on the events following the last time she started me on 2 new meds. I wanted to be 100% sure which one caused problems, just in case.

So I took my first Wellbutrin yesterday, late morning. Several hours later I was sick!  Horrible tummy issues, diarrhea, vomiting, anxiety, then my unwelcome friend visited me -nope not Aunt Flo- I refer to her as an Fing panic attack. I calmed down enough to fall asleep last night and first thing this morning I started my investigation with none other than Dr. Google. I am in no way a medical professional and am also in no way giving any medical advise. Here is what I “learned”:

  • It is possible that I have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). I said possible, guys, I am not diagnosing myself. If that is the case, however, I may not be having a reaction to the chemicals in the meds, but they might be irritating my IBS or whatever GI issue I am really having. What I know for sure is that my tummy has always been sensitive (getting worse these days) even when I am not on any medication at all. I’m kind of hoping if I do have an issue in that are that it is IBS. It seems to be the least severe option and is pretty manageable.
  • IBS, Panic, and Endometriosis are all linked!
  • IBS is similar to PCOS in that it is a collection of symptoms, is usually diagnosed by the exclusion of other causes, has no known cause and no known cure.
  • The “lesions” from Endometriosis can travel and attach to parts of your bowel (among other organs) and possibly be the cause for your IBS symptoms.
  • IBS can make it difficult to find a medication that doesn’t upset your tummy. Yippy!
  • Some websites claim an upset tummy (specifically diarrhea) during your menstrual cycle is normal while other sites claim the opposite. I have that problem every single time.
  • I am no longer going to google info about a hysterectomy. The amount of conflicting thus confusing information is torturous and my HSP can not tolerate it.
  • I am very weird and complicated and should probably offer myself to science or I will never truly figure out what is going on inside me, I do not wish to continue only treating the most severe symptoms. This band-aid method isn’t working well anymore.
  • Since the last one is probably not an option for me (if I knew how I seriously would do it) I am going to have to suck it up and continue trying these different “treatment methods” (in non-doctor terms that means prescription drugs) until I find one that doesn’t try to kill me.
  • Wellbutrin Extended realease is coated and due to the small amount of medication released at a time might be a better fit for my sensitive tummy. That one I got from calling the pharmacist this morning.
  • I may also have to suck it up and have that colonoscopy that 2 different doctors have suggested I have. I am not just terrified of the hysterectomy. I am actually terrified of doctors, procedures, surgeries, and needles (well not so much needles anymore thanks to IF). My body reacts poorly to medications, can you imagine me having any kind of procedure? I would be that .1% of people who look like they are out but can still feel everything! That’s what happened to my mother during hers. (We are a LOT alike) She says she felt like she was awake but the doc says she wasn’t. See??? This particular fear is warranted!
  • Do not watch football and google at the same time if you are a serious football fan. One mistype into the google universe and you might feel the sudden urge to drive to your nearest church and become a nun!! No room for multitasking here…Focus!

As usual, I will end this post with a plan. Yes, I feel better knowing I have a tentative plan in place. So what I’m going to do is call my gyn Monday morning and ask if she can switch my Wellbutrin to the ER version. I will also talk to her about possibly confirming the Endometriosis and hopefully it’s severity before having a hysterectomy. I refuse to risk having the surgery and experience NO relief. Then I will make an appointment with my GI doc and discuss my options for finding out what is causing my tummy troubles, which lead to panic. It might even be the other way around for all I know but this seems like a good way to find out. I know there is something going on there whether or not it is related to all of my other problems, I need to find out exactly what it is. That will likely help me with any future medication needs. When I spoke to the pharmacist, I also asked if when I take the bc pill (as in which day of my cycle) plays a role in whether I suffer the side effects. He said it does not. If I’m going to have a reaction to the pill, it doesn’t mater if I take it the first Sunday after my period or not. So, depending on what my gyn says, I might take my first bc pill tomorrow. Fingers, toes, and anything available, crossed my body handles it well and I do not end up in the dang ER again. I must remember it could ALWAYS be worse. Now if you will excuse me, I have some football to catch up on….

Much Love To All!

She doesn’t want me to but…

So this is an update after my doctor’s appointment today. I left with mixed emotions but overall I felt good.

This gyn says I have Endometriosis. She claims it is possible I had PCOS at one point in time but my body must have gotten itself in order because I no longer have that. After she went over my ultrasound results with me and gave me the endo diagnosis, we went over my options. 1) Depo shot 2) Mirena 3) laparoscopic procedure to confirm the endo and remove any spots she finds  4) Hysterectomy (this one she said would guarantee me relief. After she explained those to me and I asked a few questions about them all she said there was one more thing that might help. Getting pregnant. She explained now that we know what is going on she is confident she could get us pregnant. I am not as confident as she is. But I can tell she was just not ready for me to “give up” and choose option #4.

I have moved forward already. I no longer feel as though getting pregnant is the right thing for me to do. My gut says it would not work out well at all! I don’t want to feel like a quitter but I just want to finally feel better. Is that selfish of me? I want her (my gyn) to be comfortable with my decision though. She is the one who will be doing the surgery. But do I just go through the motions until she (and the rest of my friends/family) are “ready”? This is not their body. They are not the ones going through all of this.  My SIL had endometriosis also and she feels 100% better after her hysterectomy. She has also carried two children, has an adopted son and a step daughter. So her family is complete and this same gyn took no time at all scheduling her surgery. I know the doc’s hesitation comes from a good place, I really do. She is a wonderful doctor! I won’t let her opinion make my decision for me but again, I do want her to feel comfortable if I do go for the surgery. I am so very relieved that I have a diagnosis. I pray it is right one this time. It’s like a ton of bricks have been lifted off my shoulders uterus! I feel my period creeping up so I am sure that will push me even closer to the surgery. Every time I have one I tell PC, with tears rolling down my face, “why can’t they just take it all out???? I’m not using any of it anyways!!! I can’t keep going through this!”

I am terrified of surgery but I may have to just face my fears soon. If you or someone you know has had a hysterectomy, any tips or suggestions would be appreciated. I am scared as hell!

I think it’s almost over.

Much Love To All!