I love her so much but…….


Why does it seem that every time I feel like I’m taking steps forward it comes with some massive baggage?? Take my upcoming surgery for example. I am nervous but very excited to finally take care of one of my health problems, for good! But…..

My mom wants to be there!

I think it’s list time. I know I rely on list making a lot but they help me make sense of my thoughts and usually help me make a decision as well. I’m sorry if they annoy any of my readers.

“My mom being there” Pro’s

  1. She is a great support.
  2. She could pick up a little slack so PC doesn’t feel like he’s responsible for everything
  3. She would keep PC company while I’m in surgery or sleeping…
  4. This may not make sense to a lot of people but I am not my mom’s child. I am her parent. That is our relationship dynamic. And also the topic of 95% of my therapy sessions. I have taken care of her since I was about 8 years old. My childhood was not normal at all and I was forced to grow up very quickly. I resent that sometimes but I think I would be lost without it. She feels like she owes me for all the things I have done for her over the years. I don’t see it that way but I know she does. Therefore, I know how good it would feel to her to have the opportunity to take care of me instead the other way around. She would love to play mommy again to her first born baby. So basically instead of this whole paragraph I could have just said It would make her very, very happy for me to need her!

“My mom being there” Con’s

  1. There won’t be enough time to go get her Monday morning (surgery day), so that means my mom will be spending the night with us Sunday night. Not only do PC and I live in a small one bedroom apartment but….
  2. Sunday is our anniversary! So PC and I will be spending our anniversary driving to pick up, driving all the way home and spending the night with, my mother.
  3. I know I’m mentioning our anniversary a lot but, thanks to my tacky ass, spiteful sister, that day is more significant and important to us than it ever has been. PC and I have been celebrating this exact same date for 19 years! It’s not just our wedding anniversary. It’s the day we started dating, the day PC proposed, the day we got married AND the day we got re-married! (and yes my sister was aware of all of that when she decided to get married on this same date last year)
  4. The down side to #4 on the Pro’s list up there. Having her around is like have a child around. I have to spend a lot of my mental energy (and physical) on her needs. “I’m dizzy and weak but I have to help her up these stairs. PC can’t do it, he’s carrying all her bags and her dog”, “I can’t let her stand in the kitchen and cook. Her back is killing her right now even though she says it’s not”, “PC, can you please go stand in the kitchen with her, her leg is about 30 seconds away from going numb which means she is about to fall, and she won’t let me help!”, “I need to get the bed rails out of the closet because she falls off the bed”, “Is there an open outlet for her CPAP? She can’t sleep without it.”, “What if she has a seizure? What if I’m not around? Does PC know what to do?”….See??? That doesn’t sound like fun.. It sounds like unneccessary worry and responsibility!
  5. If I don’t go get her, she will ask my sister to bring her. In case you haven’t noticed, I do not care to see my sister. Ever again! Her voice makes me nauseous. And if my sister brings mom, I know it won’t be for the right reason. She won’t just be trying to help. She always has an angle. But that means I will be spending my time trying to figure out her damn angle so my mom doesn’t end up hurt, like usual.
  6. If #5 happens I will be spending my recovery time “picking up the pieces” of whatever drama my sister’s angle has caused. Although in all fairness, the drama might be as simple as my sister asking mom for gas money (which my very gullible mom will fall for) leaving PC and I helping mom out financially for the rest of the month, even though we are still trying to save for a house and the move.
  7. Just thinking about all of this is stressful. Which is not good when the illness I’m fighting is induced by stress!!!!!!
  8. It would break my mom’s heart if she isn’t there.

Well it looks like there are more con’s than pro’s. But I feel really horrible about the con’s. And I didn’t come to a conclusion. I guess I still have some time to decide but I don’t like to leave things undone. I like to have a plan. I rely on having a plan. Especially if I decide not to go get her, I have to plan on how to tell my mom without breaking her heart. I’m exhausting myself so if you made it this far, thanks for hanging in there champ!

Much Love To All!

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