Shhhhhhh…..

That moment when you are excited but you don’t want to act or even look excited because it might jinx it all…. Yeah, I’m there. Since getting sick in October, PC and I have a joke around our house. When I’m having a “good” day I let him know by saying “Shhhhh”. It’s my way of saying I’m feeling better today without actually saying those words.

We found a house. We made an offer. They accepted our offer.

I trusted my gut this time, with zero influence from anyone, and it paid off. I haven’t started packing, changed our address or anything. I’m afraid of jinxing it. This is the farthest we have made it in the process of over a year! I love the house! If everything goes as planned we will close on the house towards the end of the month. I’m nervous and excited all at the same time.

I also saw my gyn today for the first time since October of last year. She was happy to hear I had my gallbladder removed and am feeling better. She gave me all of the necessary paperwork for my hysterectomy. She still feels it’s the best choice for me and I agree. So now I just need to pick a date and schedule it. My feelings about this are also conflicted. I’m so excited to get some closure for this chapter of my life.. I am so ready to say goodbye to my excruciating periods and pms. At the same time, I don’t want to celebrate yet. I wish I didn’t have this “waiting for the other shoe to drop” feeling following me around. I am always preparing for the worst whether I want to be or not. I can’t help it.

I hope you all had a great 4th!

Much Love To All!

LOVE WINS!

I’m sure you have all heard the news. The supreme court ruled today in favor of same sex marriages in all states. NOTE: I am not here to begin a debate or to offend anyone on here. I do not wish to discuss whether same sex marriage should be legal or not. And I refuse to discuss the definition of “marriage” online. That being said…

I was excited to hear this news!!!!!! For many many reasons, I support same sex marriage. Not even an hour after the news hit, I received a text from a very close friend of mine. She basically said she is ready to marry her partner (whom I am close with as well) and she wanted to know if I would OFFICIATE THEIR WEDDING!!!!!

Cue happy tears now! I tried to text her back through the tears but I’m sure my auto-correct is responsible for most of my reply. I credit these girls for getting me back on the right track many years ago. I know I have mentioned them in a previous post or two.

We met through my ex-girlfriend. The three of them had been friends for years. Well things didn’t work out between my ex-girlfriend and I but I remained close friends with  “the girls”. They mean the world to me. They met me while I was at my rock bottom. They supported me and encouraged me along the way.  I got honesty from them. Kind but blunt honesty. I have always appreciated that. I have never met anyone as kind, giving and compassionate as these ladies! And PC loves them too!! I wasn’t worried about that, I knew he would.

The irony in our relationship is that they both have children form previous marriages. They were almost as devastated as PC and I were when getting our IF diagnosis. They wanted for us to be able to experience that. And when PC and I got remarried, we wanted the same for them. I felt guilty that I could marry, divorce and then re-marry this man – no questions asked. But this happy couple, whom I loved so much, could did not have the option to get married. I wanted that for them.

I am more than honored to officiate the wedding of my two friends. They are not getting married just because they can. They are not getting married to create controversy or to stir things up or to make a point. They have been together for the entire 10 years I have known them and I can’t remember how long they had been together before we met. Whether same sex marriage was ever legalized or not, these ladies would still be a couple. They would still live together, share a life together, create memories with each other and more.

It’s about love.

Love wins.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a wedding ceremony to put together!

Much Love To All!

A post worth sharing

I haven’t posted in a while. Sometimes I experience a type of writer’s block that can only be described as overwhelmed. Too many emotions, feelings, questions and more to form a thought nevertheless write any down. Today as I was reluctantly scrolling through my FB feed I ran across this article. One of PC’s friend’s posted it.

Warning: This post is mostly about a woman’s period.

I love PC’s friends. And when I mention his friend’s and I don’t refer to them as “our” friend’s, I am talking about his co-workers. They are amazing people. Each and every one of them. They consider him family, and me as well just for being married to him. The personalities range from introvert to extrovert to there is no label for this dude (or dudette)!

The friend that posted the article I have linked below is one of the first I met from PC’s work. He made a great first impression and I think he is a great influence on my hubs. Plus his two kiddos are so freakin’ cute I can hardly take it.

It is a lengthy post but amazing. It’s about “periods” but from a man’s point of view. Do not assume this guy is just trying to be funny or is explaining his significant other’s experiences. Take my word for it, he is not just making an educated guess about what life is like for us women. He had a medical experience that, I believe, changed his life!

Ladies, please read and share with anyone you know. Maybe, just maybe if more men can read this they will understand just a tiny bit more about what it’s like to be a woman. Share or read it to your hubbys or adult sons, and with your friend’s so they can do the same.

Click here to read this man’s post….

I actually feel kind of guilty after reading this and some of the comments he received from women. I didn’t start until I was 18 years old. And even then, it only lasted a couple of day, was very light and didn’t occur every month. The pms on the other hand…..well I thought every girl felt as debilitated as I did. I had no idea what I was experiencing was not the norm and would eventually lead me to where I am today…childless, in constant pain, feeling like death once a month (almost) for longer than my actual flow and considering a hysterectomy.

I could relate to most of what he wrote mainly because I have always had to rely on pads. I am so light that tampons are not a possibility for me. My first gyn actually warned me they could easily get “Stuck” and I might need emergency medical attention to have it removed. That was all I needed to hear. I already had a very full plate for someone my age and certainly was not willing to risk needing an ER visit that I couldn’t afford to have my tampon removed! Can you even imagine??

So is this guy brave for sharing his personal medical experience?

Do you have a man in your life that would have handled his experience in a similar way?

In terms of the article I posted….I have the best hubby ever. I doubt he has ever spent one second feeling embarrassed buying me products. I am thankful for his support during that time of month. Add the emotions/grief (etc) that most of us in the IF circle experience at that time and now you know why I refer to him as PC = Prince Charming. He has always handled it like a boss.. Even before we found out there was a medical reason for my abnormal symptoms and suffering.

I hope you all have a fantabulous weekend.

Much Love To All!

Facebook strikes again

I just hate starting my day off like this! I log into my FB this morning and there are 2 photos, posted by my little cousin, of his newborn baby. I didn’t even know him and his girlfriend were expecting. Although I’m not surprised no one told me. I am pretty much the black sheep of the family these days. Every announcement makes me wonder just how many I have experienced since my diagnosis. So I did the math.

If I’m not forgetting anybody, there have been 26 announcements since my diagnosis. 26! I am not counting friends of friends or family members I have never met. I am only talking about my close family/friends. Technically there were only 25 pregnancy announcements because on of those resulted in twins… The past 5 years have been tough to say the least.

I wish this weren’t such a roller-coaster of emotions. First I feel angry, then sad, then guilty for the anger I felt earlier, then angry again for allowing myself to feel guilty and finally the sad comes back around. Full circle really…

Ironically, this is part of another HSP experience for me. Last weekend while leaving PC’s parents’ house, we crossed paths with this cousin on the road. I honked and waved at him. I saw his brake lights come on as if he were stopping to say Hi but I just kept driving. PC didn’t object but I’m sure he was wondering why we didn’t stop and chat for a minute. I just didn’t feel like it was a good idea. I am so glad I trusted my gut! I have learned that I handle these announcements much better when I am alone and have time to process it in my own way. If I had received the news in front of my cousin, he probably would have been offended by my initial reaction. Plus, PC and I had a very pleasant visit with his family for the first time in a long time and I didn’t want to end the day on any sort of negative note.

I chose not to post anything for Mother’s day this year. I was trying my hardest to focus on the positive in my life rather than the negative. It was freaking hard but overall the weekend wasn’t half bad. We visited my mom and step mom on Saturday. My birthday is usually close to or on Mother’s day so, like usual, I opened some b-day presents while my mom opened her gifts. We visited PC’s mom on Sunday. It was pretty nice. Tough still but nice. Most of his family hadn’t seen me in quite a while so there were a lot of comments on my weight loss. I didn’t feel as “great” as everyone said I looked but I tried to receive their compliments as they were meant.

Happy belated Mother’s day to all of my IF sisters out there!

And if you are still TTC…Happy belated Mothering Day!

Much Love To All!

Most times…

It truly is a blessing! I know it’s silly but think about it for a second. Can you imagine if this happened? If our thoughts were visible to others. Oh goodness, so many people would hate me right now. Think about every time you were in your RE’s waiting room sitting next to the very preggo woman complaining about her pregnancy, or every pap smear, or what about out in public? Like those grocery store incidents, or the woman standing in the way of the corner store door, smoking a cigarette, holding on to her very preggo belly… (yes, that actually happened) Seriously, I would never leave the house. Talk about turning into America’s most wanted….lol

Not only would some of us be pretty “un-popular” among others, this could also be very embarrassing! Since reading this meme I have been thinking of all those almost embarrassing moments I have experienced in the past few years and how that incident may have turned out differently if my thoughts were visible. For example…..

The first time I had a trans-vaginal ultrasound. It was also the beginning of my gallbladder symptoms. While I was undressing and getting into position on the table, I noticed a sudden urge to pass gas. I was alone and thought about just letting one rip but then I remembered lately, this feeling usually isn’t just gas. Shortly after this realization, the tech entered the room and the ultrasound began. The whole time I was laying on that table I was thinking “Oh Lord, please help me hold this in until after the test!”, “She’s focused, maybe she wouldn’t notice if I let it out”, “Wait….what if it ISN’T just gas”, “How freaking humiliating would that be?”, “I wish I knew if this were just gas”, “I should have asked for a potty break”, “Why didn’t I ask for a POTTY BREAK FIRST?????”.

I can laugh now. It all turned out well but it wouldn’t have been if she could have seen what I was thinking. FYI, the urgency subsided and shortly after the appt I was able to finally take a potty break.

This week has been rough but tomorrow is my birthday so I figured I would post my “silly send off to the weekend” today. Tomorrow, if my symptoms allow, I will take advantage of the Valentine’s gift PC gave me this year….A massage!

I have decided if we win the lottery or stop pinching pennies the way we do, getting a regular massage is the one luxury I will allow myself for sure! It isn’t about the relaxation alone. I have a few back issues and after my first massage I was pain free for weeks!! Not days, weeks. It was incredible. I wish my insurance would cover it. I felt taller, I was so relaxed, my posture was better for a while and more.

Anyhow, if you sit down and think about your recent experiences and factor in the “visible thoughts” idea, don’t be shy…share with the class. Let me know if you can think of a specific situation that only turned out okay because your thoughts were NOT visible!

I hope you guys have a great weekend.

Much Love To All!

Silly start to the weekend.

When people find out you are struggling with infertility they can ask the silliest questions. Most of the time I can sympathize with them. Maybe we are the first infertile they have ever met. That’s possible. But then there are times when you just know you can’t make excuses for their absurd questions or “advice” that comes pouring out of their mouths so freely and confidently. I may have said this before but I think we should carry around a printout of “what not to say or do” and just hand them out as soon as the subject comes up. We can just keep a handful of them in our purses or pockets so we can be prepared. Maybe I will work on that here in the near future. But if you haven’t made your own printouts or if you forgot them at home…try this!

Answer them in interpretive dance. Or song! Yeah, I think I will start using song to respond to people. May as well have fun with it. My way of cutting the tension as soon as the subject comes up….and you know, some how, some way, it will!

Be prepared ladies and gents.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Much Love To All!

Sarcasm, what is it good for?

Sarcasm…. Is it helpful or just hurtful?

If you have followed my blog you may already know I can be a tad sarcastic. Sarcasm and humor (even at inappropriate times) are a natural response for me. It runs through my veins. This post isn’t going to be a debate about whether or not sarcasm is helpful or hurtful. It is about why it is so helpful to me and always has been.

If I had to blame one of my parents for this sarcasm it would have to be my daddy. We do not always get along. When I was young we were mortal enemies. I was a very angry child most of the time (with very good reason and he knows it) and I relied on my “attitude” to get my point across. Sometimes it was the only time I was heard. I don’t think I need it for that anymore but the urge to make jokes or be sarcastic doesn’t just go away. The one thing my daddy and I always had in common was sarcasm. That’s how we communicate with each other, even to this day. I actually cherish those times, He is a different man today than he was when I was a child. We are closer today than we ever have been, especially since his stroke. For some reason, he is more concerned about my health and infertility now. I can’t explain why but I don’t mind. I don’t go into details with him of course but he wants to know about all of my appointments and he texts me randomly just to say “I love you”. We don’t exactly share feelings with each other. He hugs, kisses and says the words but anything more than that is too uncomfortable for him, for us. We just don’t share feelings…

My point is, I see my humor/sarcasm as a positive thing. It’s what I’m known for. Not just with my daddy but with my other family members, friends and even my young students. My kids used to love cracking jokes and being silly. I think it played a huge role in my teaching style and success. Laughter/sarcasm is an outlet for me almost as much as music is. And it comes so naturally, like sneezing! It felt so good to know I could make people laugh. Especially during a difficult time. I could crack a smile on the saddest face in the room. But I lost that part of myself a few years ago. It happened just minutes after the doc told me I was infertile. Nothing funny or silly about that! I didn’t realize it was gone at first. Several months ago I did realize I was neglecting my love of music. I even started piano lessons that I eventually had to quit due to my health. But I remember feeling so grateful that I wanted to do it! That was the first step towards my old self and I was happy to see it.

Well…..My sarcasm came back today and it felt awesome! I was at the doctor’s office (ENT). The nurse that called me back looked as though she was having a bad day. Her hair kept falling out of her ponytail. I overheard her telling a co-worker earlier that she hadn’t had lunch yet and the look on her face was just miserable. She didn’t want to be there. So when she asked me “How are you doing today?” I replied with “Oh, better than some worse than others.”. The chuckle that came out of her mouth was hilarious! We chatted for a few minutes about my comment until the doctor came in.

I’m writing about this because I plan on posting more funny, silly or sarcastic things. If I can’t laugh about it what can I do….cry??? Yeah, been there done that and it hasn’t helped me heal. I think it is an important part of the healing process but it’s time for me to move to the next phase. To get back to the real me.

That being said, please let me know (kindly) if you ever feel like I have crossed a line at any time. I care for and respect all of my IF sisters (more than my real life ones) and no one ever taught or showed me how to be a good “sister”. Based on my crazy childhood, I wouldn’t recognize normal or appropriate if it jumped out and bit me. I am not here to offend anyone or minimize one single part of this journey, that is not my intent. This is just my next step in grief. My next step in getting my life back.

Much Love To All!

I am proud to say…I beat infertility!!

Okay, now be honest, what was your first thought after reading that title?

Seriously. What went through your mind?

Whether you were happy about it or not, did you wonder if this was a pregnancy announcement?

Let me clarify that right off the bat. I am not pregnant. This is not an announcement. Not that kind of announcement anyways. Maybe a PSA of sorts though. In honor of Infertility Awareness week, I thought I would bring attention to a part of Infertility that deserves more awareness in my opinion.

If you google “how to beat infertility” the results are depressing! Well at least for me they are. Go ahead try it. No? Alrighty then, Let tell you what you will see.

• More than one full google page of websites describing “how to get pregnant”
• a few sites about natural methods of conceiving
• a couple of sites that look like blogs from families who finally conceived after _ years of ttc
• there is even a youtube video titled “how get pregnant fast”. And no that is not a typo on my part, that is the actual title of the video!

What is the all-knowing inter-web forgetting here?

How about some info, just one result would do for now, about how to beat infertility child-free!!

I mean, obviously conceiving is a FANTABULOUS slap in infertility’s cowardly face (and sincere congrats to all who have done just that!) but is that the only way to beat this thing? I just don’t believe it is. This post is not aimed towards those women who have beat infertility by conceiving. It is an attempt to remind people there ARE others ways to beat this thing. I am in the middle of the same journey many women are in even though I have chosen not to continue TTC but no one will ever say that I beat infertility. Although I understand why people see it that way. I mean, the definition of infertility is “a disease of the reproductive system defined by the failure to achieve a clinical pregnancy after 12 months or more of regular unprotected sexual intercourse.” But most people just hear “can’t get pregnant”. So obviously if you are able to conceive, you won! Does that mean I will never win this battle? Once again, I am alone. I am part of a group of women that will never be recognized as strong or resilient for beating their disease. We will be known as the women who were lucky enough to survive ours. My choices may be different than most fighting IF but my feelings and emotions, and even some experiences, are still very similar. Whether I end up with a bundle of joy or not, I am heartbroken that my body is deceiving me and will likely continue to do so. My only chance of conception is a serious act of G*D or winning the lottery (aren’t those the same thing anyways?). And if that happens I will be ecstatic. But I must be prepared to live a life, a happy one, even if it doesn’t! For me, this is a must. I can’t put all my happiness on hold for a dream that may not come true. I prefer to see it differently. If that dream does come true, it will just be icing on the cake. The amazing cake that I was already enjoying even without that precious icing I longed for!

IF is the bad guy here. The monster that has invaded our bodies and changed our lives forever, in every possible way. It is not just about being unable to conceive. It’s about the sadness, the grief, anger, confusion, doctor’s appointments, blood tests, needles, lab work, anxiety, symptoms of whatever is causing your IF, announcements, questions, fertility advice and so on. Basically it is not just one monster, it is many. A large family of monsters who feed on our misery.

I could let IF bring me down. I could continue to allow my feelings to over take my every thought, like I did in the beginning. And as a HSP and an Empath, that would be so very easy for me to do! I could give in to the depression that seems to come and go as it pleases. I’m sure the monsters would just love that. I could also blame my husband. Why? Oh, nothing reasonable but isn’t the spouse the easiest person to take your anger out on? Not doing it. I could have lectured every young mom that so easily conceived and cluelessly announced it to me in front of everyone since my diagnosis. I could have flooded the walls of my facebook page with “whoa is me” posts like so many people do, even though their struggles are minor compared to what I’m feeling. The monsters would certainly jump up and down about that one. I could vow to never work with kids, and their parents, again. But I’m finishing the school I started years ago and I will go back to working in the field I belong in. Take that IF monsters!

I may not be successful at conceiving.

I may never adopt.

But I am beating infertility in my own way, the only way I know how!

So suggesting that the only way to beat infertility is to conceive….

It’s almost insulting.

Much Love To All!

Better late than never.

This time I will not quit before I accomplish my goal! No matter what!

I didn’t think I would be in the mood to write a post this evening since I spent most of the day piecing together an essay paper for school. Yeah, I said school. It’s a sore subject for me but I am writing about it so I will be forced to take responsibility for this goal. Writing it down for you all makes it real and I need this to be real.

Stop me if you have heard this one. And by “heard this one” I mean, disregard this post if I already explained this stuff in a previous post.

Around November 2002, my bestie (I will call her Lizard) and I started online college courses. We decided to work on a degree in Early Childhood Education. Together. Our dream was to graduate with a degree and open a learning center together. Some time in the way, way future, but that was the plan.

There was one major problem with that plan.

Lizard only had 2 more months to live and we didn’t know it.

She was involved in a fatal car crash the following January. Her children were in the car but survived with minor injuries. She was killed instantly. I was shocked and devastated! College courses didn’t just go on the back burner at that time, they were thrown in the creek out back and forgotten about.

Fast forward to 2009. PC and I had reunited and even remarried. I was going through some things from the house I lived in while he and I were divorced. I came across some paperwork from the online school. I cried for hours. But I decided to give it a shot. I wanted to finally finish these courses. Then, my diagnosis came.

I was again, shocked and devastated. And again, these classes were forgotten. No longer important to me. Not because it was too hard to do without Lizard, like it was in the past. But because it was too hard to do much of anything for a while. I don’t think there is a time limit on processing a diagnosis like infertility but I figured one day I would be able to concentrate enough to get back into it.

In order for me to do that, I need a little motivation. I’m scared to get this degree because I know how sad I will be holding it in my hand knowing my Lizard isn’t here with hers. At the same time, she would be so proud of me! I just know it. She would’ve been the best support during this IF journey also. I think about her a lot. I often rely on what “Lizard would say” when I’m feeling down.

So here is my motivation. This post. I am making it real, writing it down, making a commitment, allowing myself to be held accountable. I am in my third semester of school with only one paper and one more course until I reach my fourth. I can do this and I will.

Have you started something in the past you never finished? Why did you stop?

You can finish!

Much Love To All!

Still the last one picked at dodge-ball!

I know that title is a cliche kind of comparison but that’s how I’m feeling. Except worse! I can’t even pay to get picked!

Ugh, this house hunting is driving me crazy. I fell in love with another house. We put an offer in and they didn’t pick us. I was kind of surprised this time. We offered $8,000 more than they were asking. Trust me this house was so worth it! My agent even called the selling agent while we were touring the house to ask about the sellers. She found out they wanted to move closer to the city but hadn’t found a house yet. So we also gave the sellers the option of staying in the house as long as they needed to in order to find their new home. We were flexible everywhere in the damn contract and still we were not the strongest offer. How? I mean, obviously someone offered them more money but how are we supposed to know how much is enough, yet not too much?? My agent sounded genuinely surprised when she called me with the news. She is going to follow the sale of the house just in case something falls through but also to find out exactly what made their contract better than ours.

This house hunting process is ironic. I have been relying on this “project” to keep my mind off of the topic of IF and how I feel about the diagnosis still yet this process feels so similar! It is actually reminding me how I feel about my diagnosis. I want this so bad, just as I wanted a baby, and it turns out to be such a struggle. Unlike my diagnosis, this goal is possible but honestly at this point, that is hardly consolation. I wish it were. I mean, sure I can adopt. That’s not what I really want but we could. I could also settle and buy one of these houses that do not fit into any of our criteria. I don’t want to but we could. It’s like the universe says “Oh, I see you would really love ______. Well that’s not gonna happen hun but how about I give you _______ instead?”

We don’t deserve a baby of our own?

We don’t deserve a nice home of our own?

It’s becoming difficult to ignore these feelings.

There is another part of this process that is similar. Remember when you got your diagnosis? Do you remember suddenly noticing EVERY pregnant woman in the world? For me it wasn’t just on TV or at the grocery store. It was my family and friends. And I won’t even mention how many of my fb “friends” suddenly conceived. Pregnant, happy women everywhere yet none of them had even mentioned once that they were trying. Most of them explained how it wasn’t planned. And I was invited to all of the baby showers. And being the “baby person” in my circle, I’m the one that got all the calls of concerns, questions and so on.

The same thing is happening here. Suddenly everyone wants to buy a house. I know I mentioned my SIL in one of my previous posts. She admitted it was hearing PC and I talk about getting approved for a home that made her and her hubby want one! They closed on their new home only weeks after we started our journey. Mu cousin….UGH, my cousin has bought TWO houses in the time PC and I have started looking. Did you hear me? TWO! Her and her hubby and 2 perfect kids have purchased 2 homes in the amount of time PC and I have been turned down for 3!

Why is it so easy for others to accomplish the goals I want to accomplish? I know everyone has struggles but does everyone around me have to succeed at the exact thing I am currently struggling with? Makes me afraid of wanting for anything or working towards anything.

I know I am being tested here but for what? It can’t be patience. I’m a pre-school teacher for goodness sakes, I have more patience in my pinky than most have in their whole body! So then what?

I don’t know how much more rejection I can take.

I am that poverty ridden, young, short child with knots in her long un-groomed hair, holes in her pants being the last one chosen for dodge-ball. But this time I’m no longer poverty ridden, I’m well groomed, inexpensive clothes but no holes AND I’m bringing money to the game. More money than is being asked for.

Why must I still be the last one picked?

My current plan of action:

Re-read my Richard Wiseman books! Follow his instructions. Remember all of the things I have to be grateful for. And find a different perspective for this situation.

Oh and have a few drinks tonight! Just a few though as it will be the first drink I have had in months thanks to my gallbladder problems.

Much Love To All!