Still the last one picked at dodge-ball!

I know that title is a cliche kind of comparison but that’s how I’m feeling. Except worse! I can’t even pay to get picked!change

Ugh, this house hunting is driving me crazy. I fell in love with another house. We put an offer in and they didn’t pick us. I was kind of surprised this time. We offered $8,000 more than they were asking. Trust me this house was so worth it! My agent even called the selling agent while we were touring the house to ask about the sellers. She found out they wanted to move closer to the city but hadn’t found a house yet. So we also gave the sellers the option of staying in the house as long as they needed to in order to find their new home. We were flexible everywhere in the damn contract and still we were not the strongest offer. How? I mean, obviously someone offered them more money but how are we supposed to know how much is enough, yet not too much?? My agent sounded genuinely surprised when she called me with the news. She is going to follow the sale of the house just in case something falls through but also to find out exactly what made their contract better than ours.

This house hunting process is ironic. I have been relying on this “project” to keep my mind off of the topic of IF and how I feel about the diagnosis still yet this process feels so similar! It is actually reminding me how I feel about my diagnosis. I want this so bad, just as I wanted a baby, and it turns out to be such a struggle. Unlike my diagnosis, this goal is possible but honestly at this point, that is hardly consolation. I wish it were. I mean, sure I can adopt. That’s not what I really want but we could. I could also settle and buy one of these houses that do not fit into any of our criteria. I don’t want to but we could. It’s like the universe says “Oh, I see you would really love ______. Well that’s not gonna happen hun but how about I give you _______ instead?”

We don’t deserve a baby of our own?

We don’t deserve a nice home of our own?

It’s becoming difficult to ignore these feelings.

There is another part of this process that is similar. Remember when you got your diagnosis? Do you remember suddenly noticing EVERY pregnant woman in the world? For me it wasn’t just on TV or at the grocery store. It was my family and friends. And I won’t even mention how many of my fb “friends” suddenly conceived. Pregnant, happy women everywhere yet none of them had even mentioned once that they were trying. Most of them explained how it wasn’t planned. And I was invited to all of the baby showers. And being the “baby person” in my circle, I’m the one that got all the calls of concerns, questions and so on.

The same thing is happening here. Suddenly everyone wants to buy a house. I know I mentioned my SIL in one of my previous posts. She admitted it was hearing PC and I talk about getting approved for a home that made her and her hubby want one! They closed on their new home only weeks after we started our journey. Mu cousin….UGH, my cousin has bought TWO houses in the time PC and I have started looking. Did you hear me? TWO! Her and her hubby and 2 perfect kids have purchased 2 homes in the amount of time PC and I have been turned down for 3!

Why is it so easy for others to accomplish the goals I want to accomplish? I know everyone has struggles but does everyone around me have to succeed at the exact thing I am currently struggling with? Makes me afraid of wanting for anything or working towards anything.

I know I am being tested here but for what? It can’t be patience. I’m a pre-school teacher for goodness sakes, I have more patience in my pinky than most have in their whole body! So then what?

I don’t know how much more rejection I can take.

I am that poverty ridden, young, short child with knots in her long un-groomed hair, holes in her pants being the last one chosen for dodge-ball. But this time I’m no longer poverty ridden, I’m well groomed, inexpensive clothes but no holes AND I’m bringing money to the game. More money than is being asked for.

Why must I still be the last one picked?

My current plan of action:

Re-read my Richard Wiseman books! Follow his instructions. Remember all of the things I have to be grateful for. And find a different perspective for this situation.

Oh and have a few drinks tonight! Just a few though as it will be the first drink I have had in months thanks to my gallbladder problems.

Much Love To All!

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Music Monday!

Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking out loud” and Sam Smith’s “Not the only one”

I have been obsessed with “mash-ups” for as long as I can remember. So it is an understatement to say I am so excited that others have not only caught on but decided to share these with the world! This version is genius! It makes me forget all of my struggles and makes my heart smile! I have a hard time not tearing up while listening to it.

I wish I had the guts to set up a mic and do this myself. Some day I will.

On a side note, I emailed our real estate agent late last night to share another property with him. I asked if he could set up a tour of the home for us today. Let’s see if he is “too busy” this time. I know it’s short notice but isn’t that what he gets paid for? If we don’t see the house first, how can we put the first offer in? If this turns out like the last one I may have to find another agent. So, even though this house is not as spectacular as the last one was (in the photos), I’m crossing my fingers. Maybe it will be more amazing in person than in the pics. The last one was. As a matter of fact, the last home made me wonder why agents don’t find beginner photographers to take the pictures they post on these sites. Some of the photos are just horrible! It looks like someone just used an old cell phone. It would be so helpful if they spent a little more time on quality photos. I scroll right past the homes that don’t have pictures or as soon as I come across a blurry one. Why would you post a blurry picture of the house you want to sell?? Anyhow, fingers are crossed!

Much Love To All!

Not surprised, not surprised at all

This house hunting thing sucks big, giant….nevermind!

I am very frustrated this evening so I feel I must warn you. If you’re happy and you know it, close this tab! I thank you for clicking on my blog however, I do not want to be responsible for ruining someone else’s mood.

We put an offer in on a beautiful house and found out today we did not get it. Needless to say we are pretty upset this evening. This house was amazing! It was unique. It had personality everywhere! It even had a pool and hot tub in the back yard. It  was great. I am going to shorten this post by listing my current frustrations regarding this set back rather than whining about them all in detail…

  1. I feel like our agent dropped the ball on this one and maybe on purpose – or maybe I just need someone to blame right now.
  2. I got uncomfortable when he made a snide comment while we were in his office about how I found this house before he did.
  3. More evidence to support my theory – we offered the seller more than her asking price in order to cover the closing cost we were asking her to pay. I hear it is normal for the seller to pay closing but we were willing to add the amount to our loan so it didn’t come out of her pocket!
  4. Another suspicious fact: while we were filling out the contract our agent said there were no other offers on the house, meaning ours was the first. 2 hours later he texted me to say there were 3 offers now and the seller would make her decision Saturday.
  5. Also, in the beginning of this process he told me if I saw a house I liked, I need to jump on it! He said email him immediately and we will set up a tour. I did just that. The house only went on the market Feb 1st, I emailed him the night of the 4th (as soon as I saw it) so we could tour it on the 5th. When I called him the morning of the 5th to be sure he got my email, he said he wasn’t available to show the house that day, so we didn’t see it until the 6th. According to the rest of the info he gave us, we could have been her only offer for well over 24 hours…
  6. We didn’t ask for anything in the contract. I just can’t shake the feeling that something is fishy here…
  7. The other frustrating part is that this experience is highlighting my feelings of pure failure. Ever since my IF diagnosis my life has been full of personal failures matched with friend/family success in the same area. I know how silly that sounds, really I do. And please don’t get me wrong, for the most part, I am happy for them! It isn’t their success that hurts, it’s the timing. It’s the fact that none of them even mentioned a desire to do these things until I began to fail at doing them myself! It feels like the universe is just rubbing it in!  Here are just a few of my friend/family success stories, all of which they did not attempt until after I failed at the same thing…1) pregnancy – not just one success story here  2) a small business – not just one here either 3) buying a house 4) getting into Lego land (don’t laugh at me, it was a big deal at the time) 5) joining a gym/losing weight on purpose…I think I will stop there.

I know there are good things in store for PC and I. It’s just difficult to fail at so many things. It’s heartbreaking to watch others breeze through your dreams! I am blessed in many ways and I have no choice but to be thankful for that!

Much Love To All!

The road to answers

So far this weekend has been pretty nice. Based on PC’s schedule our weekends start Saturday evening and end Tuesday morning. We visited friends Saturday night, drove around looking at houses today and visited another one of PC’s friends this evening.

Tomorrow I have my internal ultrasound. I am kind of looking forward to it. I hope they finally find something that will lead us to the proper diagnosis. Last time I had this ultrasound they said everything looked good and they found no cysts. Which is why the PCOS diagnosis was so confusing to me. The problem was I had just about ALL of the other symptoms.So again, I pray somehow this time the ultrasound leads to answers. I will follow up with my gyn on Thursday to review the results. I imagine we will also be coming up with another treatment plan since the last one landed me in the comfort of the ER. Once you have experienced the fun that is severe dehydration your body seems to crave water. I have never been a fan of water. Since I got sick this last time, I have had one soda and maybe one full glass of tea. This is a miracle. I have refilled my filtered water pitcher at least twice a day for the past two weeks or so. I guess I can consider this new found craving for water the silver lining to my toxic reaction. I have started a health journal as my gyn requested. Every night I jot down how I felt through out the day, physically and emotionally. I try to record anything that could be considered a symptom. Of course, it is hard to decided what is a potential symptom and what isn’t. I mean, does a hormonal headache feel similar to a sinus headache? I am just going to do my best. I have noticed that since I have stopped taking a birth control pill my mood has been different. I do not feel as depressed these days.

As for the house hunting….Oh my word! It is a lot of fun at times and then a whole lot of frustrating at other times. We plan on staying in the house we purchase for quite sometime so the location is important to us. Every house I find that we both like is either just out of our price range or in a questionable neighborhood. This process requires patience which is not something I have an abundance of most the time. Overall it is still exciting. I am enjoy the times when PC and I are looking through the pictures and talking about our likes and dislikes. It is great quality time for us. I am very proud of my hubs. I hope he is as happy with the home we choose as I think I will be.

Well, I hope everyone has a fabulous week ahead. I will keep you all updated after my appointments. Here’s hoping I end up with some answers.

Much Love To ALl.