Is it all related somehow?

As PC and I enter the journey of deciding whether I should have this hysterectomy or not, I am feeling very over whelmed.

At my last appointment my gyn decided to give me 2 new medications that might relieve my symptoms some until we make our decision about the surgery. She gave me wellbutrin and a different bc pill, similar to the first one I took. I decided to only start one med at a time based on the events following the last time she started me on 2 new meds. I wanted to be 100% sure which one caused problems, just in case.

So I took my first Wellbutrin yesterday, late morning. Several hours later I was sick!  Horrible tummy issues, diarrhea, vomiting, anxiety, then my unwelcome friend visited me -nope not Aunt Flo- I refer to her as an Fing panic attack. I calmed down enough to fall asleep last night and first thing this morning I started my investigation with none other than Dr. Google. I am in no way a medical professional and am also in no way giving any medical advise. Here is what I “learned”:

  • It is possible that I have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). I said possible, guys, I am not diagnosing myself. If that is the case, however, I may not be having a reaction to the chemicals in the meds, but they might be irritating my IBS or whatever GI issue I am really having. What I know for sure is that my tummy has always been sensitive (getting worse these days) even when I am not on any medication at all. I’m kind of hoping if I do have an issue in that are that it is IBS. It seems to be the least severe option and is pretty manageable.
  • IBS, Panic, and Endometriosis are all linked!
  • IBS is similar to PCOS in that it is a collection of symptoms, is usually diagnosed by the exclusion of other causes, has no known cause and no known cure.
  • The “lesions” from Endometriosis can travel and attach to parts of your bowel (among other organs) and possibly be the cause for your IBS symptoms.
  • IBS can make it difficult to find a medication that doesn’t upset your tummy. Yippy!
  • Some websites claim an upset tummy (specifically diarrhea) during your menstrual cycle is normal while other sites claim the opposite. I have that problem every single time.
  • I am no longer going to google info about a hysterectomy. The amount of conflicting thus confusing information is torturous and my HSP can not tolerate it.
  • I am very weird and complicated and should probably offer myself to science or I will never truly figure out what is going on inside me, I do not wish to continue only treating the most severe symptoms. This band-aid method isn’t working well anymore.
  • Since the last one is probably not an option for me (if I knew how I seriously would do it) I am going to have to suck it up and continue trying these different “treatment methods” (in non-doctor terms that means prescription drugs) until I find one that doesn’t try to kill me.
  • Wellbutrin Extended realease is coated and due to the small amount of medication released at a time might be a better fit for my sensitive tummy. That one I got from calling the pharmacist this morning.
  • I may also have to suck it up and have that colonoscopy that 2 different doctors have suggested I have. I am not just terrified of the hysterectomy. I am actually terrified of doctors, procedures, surgeries, and needles (well not so much needles anymore thanks to IF). My body reacts poorly to medications, can you imagine me having any kind of procedure? I would be that .1% of people who look like they are out but can still feel everything! That’s what happened to my mother during hers. (We are a LOT alike) She says she felt like she was awake but the doc says she wasn’t. See??? This particular fear is warranted!
  • Do not watch football and google at the same time if you are a serious football fan. One mistype into the google universe and you might feel the sudden urge to drive to your nearest church and become a nun!! No room for multitasking here…Focus!

As usual, I will end this post with a plan. Yes, I feel better knowing I have a tentative plan in place. So what I’m going to do is call my gyn Monday morning and ask if she can switch my Wellbutrin to the ER version. I will also talk to her about possibly confirming the Endometriosis and hopefully it’s severity before having a hysterectomy. I refuse to risk having the surgery and experience NO relief. Then I will make an appointment with my GI doc and discuss my options for finding out what is causing my tummy troubles, which lead to panic. It might even be the other way around for all I know but this seems like a good way to find out. I know there is something going on there whether or not it is related to all of my other problems, I need to find out exactly what it is. That will likely help me with any future medication needs. When I spoke to the pharmacist, I also asked if when I take the bc pill (as in which day of my cycle) plays a role in whether I suffer the side effects. He said it does not. If I’m going to have a reaction to the pill, it doesn’t mater if I take it the first Sunday after my period or not. So, depending on what my gyn says, I might take my first bc pill tomorrow. Fingers, toes, and anything available, crossed my body handles it well and I do not end up in the dang ER again. I must remember it could ALWAYS be worse. Now if you will excuse me, I have some football to catch up on….

Much Love To All!

She doesn’t want me to but…

So this is an update after my doctor’s appointment today. I left with mixed emotions but overall I felt good.

This gyn says I have Endometriosis. She claims it is possible I had PCOS at one point in time but my body must have gotten itself in order because I no longer have that. After she went over my ultrasound results with me and gave me the endo diagnosis, we went over my options. 1) Depo shot 2) Mirena 3) laparoscopic procedure to confirm the endo and remove any spots she finds  4) Hysterectomy (this one she said would guarantee me relief. After she explained those to me and I asked a few questions about them all she said there was one more thing that might help. Getting pregnant. She explained now that we know what is going on she is confident she could get us pregnant. I am not as confident as she is. But I can tell she was just not ready for me to “give up” and choose option #4.

I have moved forward already. I no longer feel as though getting pregnant is the right thing for me to do. My gut says it would not work out well at all! I don’t want to feel like a quitter but I just want to finally feel better. Is that selfish of me? I want her (my gyn) to be comfortable with my decision though. She is the one who will be doing the surgery. But do I just go through the motions until she (and the rest of my friends/family) are “ready”? This is not their body. They are not the ones going through all of this.  My SIL had endometriosis also and she feels 100% better after her hysterectomy. She has also carried two children, has an adopted son and a step daughter. So her family is complete and this same gyn took no time at all scheduling her surgery. I know the doc’s hesitation comes from a good place, I really do. She is a wonderful doctor! I won’t let her opinion make my decision for me but again, I do want her to feel comfortable if I do go for the surgery. I am so very relieved that I have a diagnosis. I pray it is right one this time. It’s like a ton of bricks have been lifted off my shoulders uterus! I feel my period creeping up so I am sure that will push me even closer to the surgery. Every time I have one I tell PC, with tears rolling down my face, “why can’t they just take it all out???? I’m not using any of it anyways!!! I can’t keep going through this!”

I am terrified of surgery but I may have to just face my fears soon. If you or someone you know has had a hysterectomy, any tips or suggestions would be appreciated. I am scared as hell!

I think it’s almost over.

Much Love To All!

What do you gain when you lose…

hurt

I saw the above picture and it captured me. I read it several times and then just stared for a while. Has my pain just hurt me or has it changed me? Pain is inevitable. We all know that. Everyone suffers some sort of pain through out their life. Pain comes in all shapes and sizes, in every form imaginable. During this IF process I lost myself. I lost my patience, my faith in doctors, my faith in family, my dreams and so much more. What did I gain?

  1.  You are a victim of your own mind                                                    The brain is a powerful thing. Add the body and heart to it, that makes it down right unpredictable. I have allowed my brain to take over. I make things worse than they really are. I worry about things that either don’t matter in the big picture of things or that I have absolutely no control over. This is where the anxiety and panic attacks come from. Trust your gut more often. The little things I worry about…are they really that bad anyways? Women tend to worry about things verbally. Men tend to spring into some sort of action to fix a problem that hasn’t even happened yet. Either way, don’t let your brain trick you.

2. I can literally change my life at any moment.                                 Scary and exciting all at the same time. I could start a new career path, take music lessons, learn a new language, we could vacation wherever we want. I could stop allowing “toxic” people in my life, related or not!! The entire world is in our hands. I plan on taking advantage of that.

3. One of the hardest things to do in life is letting go.                        Whether it is anger, loss, betrayal, love or even guilt…We can’t seem to let go. We fight to hold on then we fight to let go.

4. Relying on “the future” for happiness is nonsense!!!!               We assume if we had that one thing or this one thing THEN we will be happy, everything will be alright. For me (and many of us here) that one thing is a baby. If you think about it though, we could still live happy lives until we get a resolution to our IF. Why do we defer our happiness? We want that thing (what ever it is) and we want it now. Then after we get it we experience that major anticlimax after the dust settles. (maybe not in our situation so much). But even for “us” can’t we try to be content with what we have while we work towards what we want??? The whole “not the destination but the journey” idea…

5. Surround yourself with differences…                                                I am not just talking about trying something new here. I mean get to know some people that obviously have different opinions as you. Get to know their side of the story. The beauty of this is you don’t have to agree with them.

6. Say what you mean…                                                                            Why beat around this famous “bush” I always hear about? Just say it!!!!!!!! You don’t have to say it rudely just honestly. Honesty is a must for me. In all relationships period. It’s actually an obsession with me but that’s a different soap opera all together. Point is….don’t listen to someone with the intent to REPLY. Listen with the intent to understand. Then your response will be productive, Who cares who “wins” the argument. If BOTH parties are not able to effectively get their point/feelings across YOU BOTH LOSE! You may have gotten the last word but you might as well write it down and save it for the next time because the problem has not been solved.

7. When someone shows you their true colors, believe them!       Not much to say about this one really. It’s kind of the same idea as “hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on ME”. Or the “no one can make you feel _______ without your permission”. That’s a good one too. I’m not sure I agree with that last one completely. I guess it depends on how you fill in the blank. My view on this though is, if someone hurts me over and over again, I am responsible for that. I have the ability to change the outcome. I can “not sweat the small stuff”, or cut the hurtful person out of my life, maybe set boundaries with them….They are not responsible for my feelings, I am!

8. Everything does NOT happen for a reason…                                  I’m sure there are many people who will disagree with me on this one. I am not saying this in a religious way though. Maybe G@D had a plan that we don’t understand. We have to accept that we may NEVER understand. So as humans in the flesh…..sometimes there is no reason. I feel like I have no other choice but to believe this one to be true. I had a very challenging childhood and an even more challenging transition into adulthood. I have still to this day been to more funerals than weddings, and I married my husband twice! I have seen tragedies unfold right before my eyes. In life in general, I like to know all the “whys”. If I don’t allow myself to put some of these life challenges in the “I don’t know” folder, I will spend my entire life asking why. Why did she have to die? Why was this person so hurtful? Why can’t I have children? There just isn’t a reason sometimes….

9. Apologies are for you, not them                                                        If you feel sorry then apologize. This does not guarantee forgiveness from the other person. That is their choice. Getting the other person to forgive you is not the purpose. Forgiving yourself is! You can not move on until you do. It works both ways as well. Just because someone apologizes does not mean you are obligated to forgive them. In addition, if you do forgive them, that doesn’t mean you are willing to put yourself in the position where this wrongdoing could occur again!

10.  Always believe in yourself                                                                  Whether you think you can or you think you can’t…You’re probably right!  “A bird sitting in a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking because her trust is not in the branch but in her own wings”. 

I gained perspective. A new perspective on many things… including pain. I gained the opportunity to turn my pain into change.  A good kind of change.  They say the definition of “insanity” is to do the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I have the power to do something different and perhaps get a different result.  Recognize the difference between the pain that hurts you and the pain that changes you and you will gain when you lose too!

Much Love ladies and gents…

Has Anyone Told You???

 

test I truly believe this is what my body thinks of this process.  Although PC and I aren’t technically ttc anymore I still test for precaution. With my life history it will happen when we stop trying. Also, my body has always done the opposite of what it should be doing or can be explained. Anyhow, in addition to testing, I am still on the hunt for answers. I have to know why. I may never know but I have to try to figure it out. I have an appt next week with a new gyn. I decided until then I will get back to doing my own research. Here are some things I have learned in the past few days, from the internet, books, and my own records.

  • I have lab results here from my RE that says DIAGNOSIS: 627.2 (Symptomatic Menopausal or Female Climacteric State) WHA??????????? I am praying this is just the reason for the blood work and not the diagnosis based on what they already know about my health! I looked up these words and they basically mean the very beginning of pre-menopause. I will be asking more questions about that paper for sure.
  • One of my bills from this RE says I owe $160 for 2 tests I had done. The tests are called SPERM AB. After looking this up I can only determine they were testing my “stuff” for reactions to sperm. PC was never tested. How come I wasn’t aware of this test? I can only imagine the lab results looked promising or they would have told me. Right?!?!
  • Many women can FEEL ovulation. I realized I can!! I used to tell PC (and drs) that my pms starts well before my period. I get a pain on the side of my abdomen. Not horrible but pretty uncomfortable and certainly annoying. Others “signs” of ovulation include change in bbt, change in cervical position, change in cervical mucus (egg whites = ovulating/near ovulation) light spotting, breast tenderness, bloating, increased sex drive, and heightened sense of smell, taste or vision. Why did I NOT know this already!!???? I feel all of those. And if this is all true, why would my gyn tell me she doesn’t believe I have ever ovulated before? I have told her about all of my symptoms. So frustrating!
  • YOU CAN HAVE “NORMAL” PERIODS AND OVULATE AND STILL NOT CONCEIVE. I did not realize this either. Maybe I should have known but never connected the dots between doctors. As soon as I realized this, I dug deeper on the interweb and found info on a condition called “lutenized unruptured follicle syndrome”. (luf syndrome) This is where the follicle begins to lutenize without ever releasing an egg, and therefore producing progesterone which docs will see in your blood work (LH) and that leads them to believe you have ovulated. But you didn’t! Research shows that up to 50% of people with ‘unexplained infertility’ have this. From what I can tell it is possible that while this syndrome may not cause endo, it is commonly linked to it or the result of it. Please look this up if you still have questions about your IF. I am no doctor and if you find any of my info to be incorrect I beg for you to let me know! I will be confirming this info with my new doctor. 
  • IODINE!! This is a substance that the body does not make on it’s own but needs for many reasons. It used to be in many foods but was thought to be harmful so it was replaced with other things like bromine, fluorine, chlorine, perchlorate in food, water, medicines

    and the environment.  Fun fact: Iodine in wheat has been replaced with Bromine, the gas used to fumigate your house for termites!] Some of the symptoms iodine deficiency are brittle nails, cold hands and feet, cold intolerance, depression, difficulty swallowing, dry skin, dry hair or hair loss, fatigue, high cholesterol, hoarseness, infertility, miscarriage, lethargy, menstrual irregularities, early menopause, poor memory or concentration, slower heartbeat, throat pain and weight gain. Also there is currently a lot of research still going on because iodine deficiency is thought to be linked to thyroid disease, breast cancer, fibrocystic breast disease, prostate cancer, and obesity — plus developmental delays and mental retardation in children! I about fell out of my chair when I read this! I found a forum where a lady claims that taking an iodine supplement (UNDER HER DR’S SUPERVISION) cured her pcos!! No more symptoms and she had a baby! I have so many of these symptoms it might as well be named after me!! If I only had a few of them I may not be interested in this possibility but fitting so well into these symptoms makes me wonder. It is very important to check with your doctor first, it is possible to have too much of this stuff. I am not a doctor and can not truly verify the validity of any info I share here. PC ordered some supplements, we will start them as soon as they arrive.                                                                                                                                                                                                          Moral of the story is: Be Informed! Don’t be afraid to ask your dr as many questions as possible, especially if you do not understand something. I know sometimes they make us feel like we have to rush through the appt but this is your life and your body. You deserve to be an active participant in every part of this journey!

Much Love to all!

 

 

Happy “Mothering” Day

This up-coming holiday should be called Mothering day. And from now on that is what I shall call it. Or maybe we should just add this to the list of holidays. I have ran across a few other blogs that called it “Other’s Day”.  Very clever. Clearly I lack the ability to be that clever. Anyhoo…What does Mothering Day mean?  You can replace the following with your own personal description/experiences. The meaning is yours to define. This is what it means to me…

~To those who have mothered with your heart not your arms because that’s all you could do. For a day or a month or for years.

~ To those of us who have so much motherly love and excitement saved up over the years for our potential/future child, we struggle to keep it contained.

~ To those of us who have loved/cared for a child with all of our hearts, regardless of their legal or biological relation to us. We have been through the 2am feedings, diaper changes, baby showers, birthday parties, and so much more,  all for a child we did not bear or may not even be related to.

~ To those of us who have ever had to euthanize a pet. Even worse, 2 pets AFTER your IF diagnosis. Did I love my fur babies less before my IF? Of course not. I think the loss was harder though.

 ~ To those of us who have worked at the local emergency shelter. Who spent hours upon hours tending to the infant who arrived last week with fevers, colic, poor feeding, vomiting, diarrhea and seizures brought on by her Meth withdraws. Vowing you will never forget these experiences when you become a parent, only to realize you never will. You didn’t have to go through that with her but you did. It was not your responsibility but that child’s needs came before all else.

~ To the child care worker who stayed after closing time because one dad arrived late, drunk and on a motorcycle to pick up his 1 1/5 year old daughter, so you had to wait for the police. Or how about when a new person comes to pick up one of your 3 year old students and she freezes in fear as soon as she sees him? She was scared and I believed her! As long as she had that look in her eyes, he would have to go through me first! He chose not to go through me. Her mom’s stalker ex boyfriend went to jail that day and my student went home safe.

~ To those who have actually shaved our heads because that’s what your 4 year old niece had to do before the docs took that damn tumor out of her brain. Helped change her dressings after surgery and held her when she was hurting. You best believe we rocked this look and she is a healthy 10 year old today!

~ To those of us who have sat in a room full of immediate family and prayed as your 12 month old niece took her last breath. Watching her mother’s heart shatter into pieces, meanwhile you feel the need to be the strong one. Keep it together, comfort the family.  Wishing with all your might that she could wake from the coma she has lived in every day of her short life. Knowing you would trade places with this beautiful baby girl in a heartbeat if it meant she could open her eyes for the first time ever and smile at her mom. 

~ To those of us who have had to explain to a 2 year old why his mommy is now in heaven. How do you explain a tragic car accident to a toddler? When he truly believes she is at your house because ya’ll were best friends. How do you help him understand? With all of the motherly comfort you can muster up every day in class because you are his teacher and he looks up to you! That’s how!

~ To those of us who have been barfed on by a child who was suffering from RSV. Or the less serious (but motherly love required) sneezes, coughs and boo boos we clean and comfort for the little ones in our lives. 

~ To those of us who have/have had a loved one dependant on you. The things you sacrifice for this person. Your days off, your energy (physical and mental), your money. You don’t mind at all because you love them. You would rather do it yourself for as long as you are able than leave your loved one in someone else’s hands. 

~ To those of us who have cared for a sibling in ways only their parents should have. These siblings were young. They won’t remember all you have done for them. And if they are still young/immature, they will only remember the times you couldn’t help. You didn’t do any of those things for the credit though. You did them out of love. Out of “whatever” instinct kicked in at the time so they would survive! Literally! When you were frightened for your life and you protected them, not yourself.

That is what a mother’s love is like. So technically we may not be mothers yet but many of us have already mothered! We have been on an emotional rollercoaster only “actual” mothers get credit for. So today/this weekend, I give you the credit you deserve!! Thank you, Congrats and  HAPPY MOTHERING DAY!

Side note: An hour ago this blog had a totally different point. Still Mother’s day related but with much more humor. I had the meme picked out and everything. I guess in this midst of writing that blog my mood changed and I focused on this point instead. And I know it is early but I have “Mothering Day” plans for myself this weekend and may not have time to blog.  🙂 And as always…

Much Love to all…

I didn’t choose the DINK life, the DINK life chose me!

Yes, I am aware of how incredibly cheesy that title is. But it is the truth. I figure now would be a good time to give a little background about myself and explain why my life is “dink-ish”. If you haven’t already noticed from previous blogs, I am not considered a shy person. I see no reason to hold a lot back, respectfully of course. Now that we got that out-of-the-way here is part of my story…

My hubby and I have been together for almost 18 years, March 2014. In the beginning I told him I never wanted children. He was ok with that, altho I think he secretly hoped I would change my mind. We really didn’t talk about it much thru our relationship tho. I always worked with children as a teacher/caregiver so we talked (ok, I talked) about kids daily, just not about having our own. I focused on school and work and so did he. Well about 8 years ago I started feeling what I thought to be that little clock thing women talk about. We decided to begin “trying”. My medical history had always been very unique but I saw my gyn regularly and had no reason to think our lives would take the path it has. As it turns out, there was reason to be concerned about my health. I was forced to find a new gyn when my current one relocated. This is when I found out gyn #1 was kinda clueless. Very disappointing news because I had really liked and trusted her. Anyhow, turns out I had probably never ovulated in my life, like EVER! Gyn #2 ordered several tests, ya know, the blood work, ultrasounds and so on. She referred me to an endocrinologist after a PCOS diagnosis. I was confused. Very confused. The endo started me on this medicinal treatment plan. She warned me that the side effects might be less than pleasant at first but this med would accomplish several things, including lower cholesterol, combat the insulin resistance and maybe weight loss. I am not sure that is did any of those things in the 8 months I took it but I can tell you what it DID do.

1) So So So nauseous 24/7

2) Random, explosive, urgent bouts of bubble guts, as my cousin calls it. Better know as diarrhea. And when I say random I mean…I’m was tempted to call the Container Store Headquarters and thank them for putting a restroom (with a lock) in their stores and ask they (potties) be moved to the front of the store! That is a sad and funny story, maybe another blog on just these side effects…

3) Hot flashes. Aren’t I too young for these???????? Live in my shower!

4) Random vomiting. Fortunately for everyone around me I had more of a  “warning” before this symptom arrived. 

Moving on, those are just some of the side effects that convinced me I should stop swallowing these pills from hell and think about things. Here is where things got even more complicated for my little brain. Do I really want kids? If so do I want them bad enough to take that med again? Adoption is not what my hubby really wants, so even tho it’s not off the table, it’s not part of our plan yet. I can not afford a surrogate. Now what? I had so many questions and no answers. And finally, why would I start feeling this clock if I can’t have kids? I should have just stuck to my plan, no kids! But wait, there’s more!!! This is when I find out that I may NOT have PCOS. It might be endometriosis. What? They say all the symptoms fit but a surgical procedure is the only way to confirm it. You have to be kidding me! So why did I go thru all that hell for so long? Why would I get treatment for something if there was another possibility? Very frustrating. Needless to say it all got a little overwhelming, and now my hubby and I are just “leaving it in GOD’s hands”. No meds, no temps, no calendar. Just taking life day by day. I would like to just get a hysterectomy. My only fear is that my choice to just not have kids, is an emotionally induced one right now. My hormones are so out of whack I’m not sure how I dress myself everyday! LOL. Then there is the guilt. Not giving my hubby a child, my family or myself. But what if that is my destiny. Maybe I am destined to help others with their kids instead of having my own. I have been a teacher, babysitter, nanny, aunt, big sis and good friend on the phone when they don’t know how to handle any given situation.  I did not grow up in a very religious home but what if that is HIS plan for me? I’m great at all of those things. I have been called “The Child Whisperer” several times! Not just by family but by my students parents and my co workers and supervisors. Maybe just maybe, this is a “Don’t fix it if it ain’t broke” kinda situation.

Either way this is how I came to know the DINK-ish life. And I call it “dink-sh” because of the darned yo-yo effect all of this has had on me and my hubby. I want kids, I don’t want kids, no medical reason why I can’t, too many reason to list why I can’t…Even tho these medical difficulties created overwhelming emotions and somehow still do, I think my hubby and I have embraced the dink life well. We are starting to see all the benefits also. And now I’m back to not wanting kiddos. My current goal is to get ahold of these horrible symptoms, hopefully find the culprit/s, and find some solutions.  In my up-coming blogs I will cover some of the symptoms I have experienced over the years, ya never know maybe there is a dr on this site, not only for the share factor but also to explore the emotional side effects that most women do not truly understand unless they are going thru it too.