Damn it!

I wish I had a better title for this post but I just don’t.

I had a cardio appt today and I am here to write an update. I have decided that I should stick to making lists for most of my posts. I haven’t figured out how to organize my own thoughts well enough to be able to write about an event and make any sort of sense of it. I just tend to babble and whine and that is not the purpose of my blogging.

So today I am making a list of reasons why my cardio appt was frustrating.

  • The office staff at my doctor’s office are not on the same page with anyone, not even each other!
  • They are also always on their cell phones, even though every time I call I either get 1)the automated “call back during business hours” message, no matter what time I call or 2) I am on hold for an hour then the info they give me is so inaccurate I swear they made it up themselves out of thin air…
  • My doctor, although I really like her, still hasn’t interpreted my last blood tests which were taken on the 16th of this month.
  • I need those results ASAP because either way, there is a plan. If the labs reveal my thyroid is fine, then I need to schedule my gallbladder surgery so I can finally be relieved from the gallbladder symptoms. If the labs reveal a problem with my thyroid, I need to address that quickly so I can then have the surgery to be relieved of these gallbladder symptoms.
  • So that means I suffer until someone gets around to it….
  • The cardiologist mentioned, in passing, that my labs looked fine so he wants to send me home with a heart monitor for the next 2 weeks. What? So should I consider HIS interpretation of my labs or wait for my pcp? I asked him to repeat and explain what he said about my labs and he said “Yes, they look fine but I’m not a thyroid specialist”. Um, k, thanks…
  • The cardio echo tech called me back and had me take everything off from the waist up, put on the robe and then lay on the table. He was making small talk. After his questions he had a pretty good idea of why I was there. He knew I was having fertility issues along with several symptoms possibly not related. He was sympathetic to the infertile part of the convo.
  • His response to that info was a story about his 2 children and how he has custody because his ex is…let me think, how did he put it? Oh yeah, “a total piece of shit”! He then went on to tell more than one “she is a horrible parent” story, including one about how she brought their son back after her weekend with a broken arm that she never had examined!
  • Needless to say, in the middle of this exam (and his damn stories) I started having one of my episodes/hot flashes/panic attacks. What ever the hell it’s called it starting happening right in the middle of this test on my heart. My skin started to feel warm, my face (especially my lips) felt like it was on fire, heart starting racing….He noticed. He said my heart rate jumped up significantly.
  • Now I’m worried the results might not be diagnostically accurate. Will the cardio doc take “my state of mind” into consideration? Was my episode due to his stories or just coincidence? ¬†I have been waiting a very long time for some freaking answers! I do not want to waste time focusing on the wrong area of health because of misleading test results!!! Ain’t nobody got time for that…
  • He was on his phone! It wasn’t only for personal use though. He was using it with the ultrasound equipment he was using on me. I think he had some sort of ultrasound app on his phone and he was using SIRI to speak his findings into it instead of writing them down. But it was his personal cell phone! I am not comfy with him being able to take my personal info and test results home with him! Is that normal? I have never seen this before.
  • I think he made fun of me. Or was he flirting? I doubt it but he giggled/smirked and had a weird expression on his face when he was explaining he would have to use a decent amount of pressure with the ultrasound wand due to my “large amount of breast tissue”. He was attempting to get images from the left side of my left breast while I was laying on my left side and wasn’t sure how to approach the situation. I offered to “move my breast tissue for him” but he said that wasn’t necessary. I’m sorry my girls are large and sometimes in the way but this can NOT be the first time you have run across this kind of situation in your profession! At least his words were professional. Now if he could just drop the giggles and change the facial expressions from the “hehehe, I’m a teenage boy and have never seen boobies like this up close” to maybe something more like “this is kind of embarrassing for me and probably for her as well but I would like to remain professional”, he wouldn’t come across like such a douche!

Maybe the main reason for my frustration is simply that I am no closer to answers than I was before the appt. I didn’t expect much from today’s appt but I was very discouraged when he said my thyroid looked fine. I do not want to start over at square one. I felt like we were so close to the problem with the thyroid idea and now, not so much. He did tell me to wait on the gallbladder surgery until I am finished with the heart monitor. That just means I have the privilege of suffering from my tummy symptoms for at least 2 more weeks. Ugh, I need a vacation and a stiff drink. Nevermind, I can’t have either right now. ūüė¶

Oh heavens..My PCP office just called in the middle of this post full of frustrations to “schedule a follow up with my doc to go over my lab results”. Haha, I can feel my hair turning prematurely grey as I type…

Much Love To All!

Health Care Management?

Maybe this is the “getting older sucks” part of my life. How does one rank their health symptoms? Unless one is a doctor, how do you know where to start, what symptoms are related or what kind of doctor you need?

My symptoms are random and growing in numbers. Let me give you a little background here. My tummy has always been sensitive. About 5 years ago I had some sort of weird episode while on vacation and later was told by my doctor that I have a hiatal hernia. For more info on that, here is a link. Then a few months ago my gyn prescribed me a high dose birth control pill. Long story short, I ended up in the ER with a “toxic reaction”, severe dehydration and a UTI. I was so sick for days! Vomiting, diarrhea, chills, panic and this burning sensation that started in my tummy and quickly spread throughout my body. I was pissed! What the hec is wrong with me? I can’t even take bcp’s? Anyhow, fast forward to a few weeks ago when I visited my GI. After an exam and several questions, he asked if I have ever had my gallbladder examined. I said no. He was shocked! He then scheduled me for a blood test, and ultrasound and another test I can’t pronounce. Naturally, as soon as we got home I did my gallbladder research. I am going to share what I have learned because if my symptoms sound familiar to any of you, this info might save you some pain and time. I am not a doctor! Please do not view my findings as anything other than amateur¬†research. The info I am sharing is a combination of many websites I ran across, including one called Gallbladderattack.com.

The liver makes the body’s supply of bile. Bile helps break down fats during food digestion. Not all bile is needed at one time so excess is stored within the gallbladder. In gallbladder disease, bile in the gallbladder becomes concentrated and thickens. Gallstones are born out of this sludge from cholesterol and bile salts. (Apparently, bile is no match for cholesterol) The end result of the disease process is inflammation (cholecystitis) or stones (cholelithiasis). A gallbladder attack occurs when the gallstone blocks the flow of bile from the gallbladder and is manifested as a pain in the right side (sometimes perceived in the right shoulder because of referred pain) as severe as the excruciating pain of a heart attack). Some of the symptoms of a gallbladder attack are:

  • nausea and vomiting
  • fever
  • yellowing of the eyes and skin
  • severe abdominal pain
  • feeling of fullness
  • belching
  • headaches
  • diarrhea or constipation
  • fatty stools
  • burping with regurgitation of bitter fluid
  • sweating
  • lightheadedness
  • weakness
  • shortness of breath

I have every single one of those symptoms. The shortness of breath only occurs due to the panic I experience. One symptom I have that is not listed anywhere I can see is the burning sensation I mentioned earlier. It is just as random as the other symptoms. It starts just under my ribs in the center and quickly spreads to the rest of my tummy, my neck and my arms. I am fairly certain it is related to my tummy problems because once I “void my tummy” the burning stops. Actually, it stops shortly before I begin vomiting, It takes all of my will and prayer to keep this burning sensation from turning into a full panic attack at this point, especially once it spreads! This is where the priority and management comes in. Is my panic causing me to vomit? Or the other way around? I haven’t had panic in years! It only returned (at least in full force like this) the night I took that damn high dose birth control pill. I haven’t been well since that night and have been fighting a panic attack every day since. Now allow me to share what I read about the causes of gallbladder disease!

  • Hypothyroidism
  • Hashimoto’s Thyroid Disease
  • Low stomach acid
  • Food Sensitivities or Allergies
  • Gluten Intolerance
  • Brain degeneration
  • Overweight
  • Rapid weight loss
  • Lack of exercise
  • Pregnancy (due to excess hormones)
  • Estrogen intake and birth control pills(estrogen increases the concentration of cholesterol in the bile)
  • Chronic Heartburn
  • Frequent use of Antacids and PPIs
  • Atkin’s Diet
  • Over age 40 and increase in risk as one ages
  • Female especially those who have had children
  • Ethnicity (Pima Indians and Mexican-Americans)
  • High triglycerides, high LDL cholesterol, decreased HDL cholesterol,
  • Alcohol intake
  • Family history of gallbladder disease (Heredity)
  • Cholesterol-lowering drugs, immunosuppressive drugs
  • Antidepressants which slow down gallbladder contractions
  • Very Low Calorie Diets
  • Diet high in saturated fats
  • Diet high in refined foods and sugars
  • Diet low in fiber (which is what the refined diets are) and not enough vegetables
  • Non-fat diets
  • Low-fat diets
  • Constipation
  • Diabetes
  • Insulin Resistance
  • Diseases such as chronic inflammatory bowel disease, Chron’s disease (ulcerative colitis is controversial) Hemolytic anemias, PCOS

I fall into at least 10 of those categories! And that’s not counting rapid weight loss because that isn’t my symptom, that is what has resulted from my symptoms. (can’t complain about that one though, 20lbs and counting.) And did you notice the bold and italic cause? Why didn’t anyone tell me that????? I am printing that page out to take to my next gyn appointment. She was just as shocked as I was about my “toxic reaction” to the pills. What about the HORRIBLE reaction I had to the Metformin when they thought I had PCOS? Was it my gallbladder that made that med so hard for me to take?

Do I dare be a little excited about this? I pray it is a gallbladder problem. That is not a life threatening organ. I can live without it. Could it really be that simple though? Well, after what I have been through, simple doesn’t sound like the right word. Either way, it would explain a lot! I am excited to possibly have an answer, finally!

How do others cope with multiple health issues? I haven’t updated anyone on my endometriosis because I have been focusing on this tummy crap. So, again I ask, how do you juggle multiple symptoms? Is that what a primary care doctor is for? I mean, do you go to one doctor first and then let him/her send you in the right direction? I didn’t grow up with the resources I have now, so I have never had a PCP in the past. I have one now but I’m starting to think I do not use her properly. So far she is great! Wonderful beside manner, polite, and I always leave feeling like I was heard. I guess that may be what a pcp is for. A ring leader of sorts. Our insurance doesn’t require referrals but maybe there is a good reason for getting your pcp to give you one. They are the educated ones, they can steer you in the right direction. They can hear your symptoms, help you categorize them and make an educated guess as far as your next move.

Anyhow, I hope this information is helpful to someone. I can’t believe no one warned me about the risks. Every one of my doctors is aware of my tummy problems. Why didn’t anyone put 2 and 2 together? I guess this situation is a great example of being your own advocate! Always educate yourself! Even if your doctors are as amazing as mine. They do not live in our bodies and we (as patients) aren’t usually able to connect the necessary dots for them. ¬†Between my own research and my health journal, I will get answers!

Much Love To All!

Is it all related somehow?

As PC and I enter the journey of deciding whether I should have this hysterectomy or not, I am feeling very over whelmed.

At my last appointment my gyn decided to give me 2 new medications that might relieve my symptoms some until we make our decision about the surgery. She gave me wellbutrin and a different bc pill, similar to the first one I took. I decided to only start one med at a time based on the events following the last time she started me on 2 new meds. I wanted to be 100% sure which one caused problems, just in case.

So I took my first Wellbutrin yesterday, late morning. Several hours later I was sick! ¬†Horrible tummy issues, diarrhea, vomiting, anxiety, then my unwelcome friend visited me¬†-nope not Aunt Flo- I refer to her as an Fing panic attack. I calmed down enough to fall asleep last night and first thing this morning I started my investigation with none other than¬†Dr. Google. I am in no way a medical professional and am also in no way giving any medical advise. Here is what I “learned”:

  • It is possible that I have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). I said possible, guys, I am not diagnosing myself. If that is the case, however, I may not be having a reaction to the chemicals in the meds, but they might be irritating my IBS or whatever GI issue I am really having. What I know for sure is that my tummy has always been sensitive (getting worse these days) even when I am not on any medication at all. I’m kind of hoping if I do have an issue in that are that it is IBS. It seems to be the least severe option and is pretty manageable.
  • IBS, Panic, and Endometriosis are all linked!
  • IBS is similar to PCOS in that it is a collection of symptoms, is usually diagnosed by the exclusion of other causes, has no known cause and no known cure.
  • The “lesions” from Endometriosis can travel and attach to parts of your bowel (among other organs) and possibly be the cause for your IBS symptoms.
  • IBS can make it difficult to find a medication that doesn’t upset your tummy. Yippy!
  • Some websites claim an upset tummy (specifically diarrhea) during your menstrual cycle is normal while other sites claim the opposite. I have that problem every single time.
  • I am no longer going to google info about a hysterectomy. The amount of conflicting thus confusing information is torturous and my HSP can not tolerate it.
  • I am very weird and complicated and should probably offer myself to science or I will never truly figure out what is going on inside me, I do not wish to continue only treating the most severe symptoms. This band-aid method isn’t working well anymore.
  • Since the last one is probably not an option for me (if I knew how I seriously would do it) I am going to have to suck it up and continue trying these different “treatment methods” (in non-doctor terms that means prescription drugs) until I find one that doesn’t try to kill me.
  • Wellbutrin Extended realease is coated and due to the small amount of medication released at a time might be a better fit for my sensitive tummy. That one I got from calling the pharmacist this morning.
  • I may also have to suck it up and have that colonoscopy that 2 different doctors have suggested I have. I am not just terrified of the hysterectomy. I am actually terrified of doctors, procedures, surgeries, and needles (well not so much needles anymore thanks to IF). My body reacts poorly to medications, can you imagine me having any kind of procedure? I would be that .1% of people who look like they are out but can still feel everything! That’s what happened to my mother during hers. (We are a LOT alike) She says she felt like she was awake but the doc says she wasn’t. See??? This particular fear is warranted!
  • Do not watch football and google at the same time if you are a serious football fan. One mistype into the google universe and you might feel the sudden urge to drive to your nearest church and become a nun!! No room for multitasking here…Focus!

As usual, I will end this post with a plan. Yes, I feel better knowing I have a tentative plan in place. So what I’m going to do is call my gyn Monday morning and ask if she can switch my Wellbutrin to the ER version. I will also talk to her about possibly confirming the Endometriosis and hopefully it’s severity¬†before¬†having a hysterectomy. I refuse to risk having the surgery and experience NO relief. Then I will make an appointment with my GI doc and discuss my options for finding out what is causing my tummy troubles, which lead to panic. It might even be the other way around for all I know but this seems like a good way to find out. I know there is something going on there whether or not it is related to all of my other problems, I need to find out exactly what it is. That will likely help me with any future medication needs. When I spoke to the pharmacist, I also asked if when I take the bc pill (as in which day of my cycle) plays a role in whether I suffer the side effects. He said it does not. If I’m going to have a reaction to the pill, it doesn’t mater if I take it the first Sunday after my period or not. So, depending on what my gyn says, I might take my first bc pill tomorrow. Fingers, toes, and anything available, crossed my body handles it well and I do not end up in the dang ER again. I must remember it could ALWAYS be worse. Now if you will excuse me, I have some football to catch up on….

Much Love To All!

After the smoke starts to clear.

hurts everyone

Maybe it doesn’t hurt everyone around us but I am beginning to clearly see how and when it is effecting the people in my world. ¬†I am in a new phase of my IF these days which is leading me down an interesting path.

The other day I took my mother to get some of her blood work done. As she sits down in the “torture chair” to get her blood drawn she makes a comment along the lines of “Ok honey, she is about to get the needle out, don’t ¬†look. You can step outside if you need to”. No worries, this comment doesn’t offend me in any way because before IF I was TERRIFIED of needles. I mean it was horrible. I responded to her with “Oh mother, I’m infertile! Needles are as much a part of my life as breathing is these days.¬†I’ll be ok. Thanks though.”. So, personally it felt great to actually say something like that instead of just thinking it and trying to fight back tears at the same time, which is what I used to do. It was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders just from being able to joke about my struggles. I have always been a pretty sarcastic kinda gal so it also felt a little like getting back to the old me, before my diagnosis. But…..

I should have taken a picture of their faces! The phlebotomist and my mother both stared at me in this -is she kidding, do we laugh, oh God this is awkward- kind of way. ¬†I actually felt sorry for them for a second. I quickly changed the subject and the tension evaporated. In the end I was still proud of myself. That probably sounds weird to those of you who have never met me in person or didn’t know me before IF. It was like the old me popped in for a second just to be funny, or try to be. It wasn’t funny to them but it was funny to me and in addition…it was true!

That incident sent my brain in several directions. One of the first things that crossed my mind is my loved ones have a “process” too when it comes to my IF. I mean, clearly my mother isn’t at the “joking about it” phase yet even if I am. The lesson I learned from that blood draw is that it is up to me to set the tone. It is my responsibility to let my loved ones know what kind of day I am having. Maybe if my hormones were at a different level that day I wouldn’t have dared joke out loud. Maybe I wouldn’t have even joked silently. But it is my job to communicate these things with them. I’m sure they have no idea what to- and not to- say around me anymore. If I’m being honest, I can be pretty contradicting about this journey. On one hand I am not at all excited about my nephew and his girlfriend having baby number 2! But when my SIL called to inform me of the surprise baby shower she said “Of course no one will be upset if you don’t go, I just didn’t want you to be left out, just in case you do want to be there.”, I thanked her for calling me. I probably WOULD have felt very left out. I can hear myself saying to PC “Why am I not even invited? They don’t want to take a chance that the crazy infertile will somehow ruin the party? All of a sudden it’s not even worth a shot? They can’t just assume they know what I want!”. ¬†I can’t expect them to know how to handle a situation they have never been in and don’t deal with on a daily basis. I can, however, help set the tone. I can let them know when I am having a good day and when I am having a bad day.

After that thought, I started thinking about how I have focused on the people who have reacted poorly ¬†to my struggles and not those who are still standing after the smoke has started to clear. I have spent so much time complaining about my friends/family who were mad that I didn’t go to this or that, or the bestie that is mad that I don’t visit or call enough. Why did I spend so much time caring about those people when they obviously didn’t truly care about me? Now that I am in the midst of crawling out of my own internal pity party, I realize there are still people standing here right next to me. I am so lucky to have them in my life. And to think they are the ones that had to listen to me whine about the ones who weren’t there for me.

So to all of you, in real life and online, who have been so kind and supportive I say Thank you so very much! I appreciate every single one of you, who I can now see, are still standing here with me while the smoke starts to clear.

Much Love To All.

Ok universe, you and I need to have a little chat!

Once again my over-thinking, HSP brain is in overdrive. Just when I think I have something figured out, the universe steps in with it’s handy little fork that I swear was made just for my road.

So let me begin with an update on my latest treatment plan, the birth control pill. The bc pills were prescribed to hopefully alleviate some of my horrendous pms symptoms. I started on the lowest dose but they didn’t help at all, in fact they made my cramps and such worse! At my follow up the gyn decided maybe I needed a higher dose of hormone. It sounded like a great plan to me. Well let me fast forward through the nasty parts and just say that I ended up in the emergency room with an IV of fluids. I was treated for severe dehydration, a UTI that so far has shown ZERO symptoms and DRUG TOXICITY! Yup. I had a toxic reaction to the birth control pills. It was pretty much the worst 7 days of my life.

Today was the first day I felt almost like myself since my reaction to the pills. I am not 100% yet but compared to just 2 days ago I feel great. And today I decided I no longer want to be treated for my symptoms. I can’t afford to go to an RE anymore because just walking through the damn door is considered IF treatment and is NOT covered by my insurance. My only option was to pray that my gyn could help.¬†We have tried to relieve my symptoms with several different treatment options and, to say the very least, nothing has helped. I am done! I am done listening to doctor’s. It is time they started listening to me. I am still confident in our decision to remain child free so give me all the information you got on a hysterectomy and sign me up!!!¬† I just can’t do it anymore. I.Am.Tired. What a weight off my shoulders. That decision plus the fact that I am finally feeling better made for a pretty good day.¬†I took my mom to run her errands including her doctor’s appointment. Overall I was in a good mood.

Then on my way home I checked the mail. ¬†I open up this large envelope and find out that PC’s work is adjusting their insurance for this year’s open enrollment and as I was reading through the material explaining the new plans I noticed a section titled “2015 UPGRADES”. The third upgrade on the list reads as follows:¬†Infertility and bariatric treatments are now covered by all medical plans; pre-authorizations and limitations apply.<<<<<<<<

Excuse me??? Ok, I know it is hard to tell sometimes what IS a sign and what isn’t but really??? I know I have blogged about the rage I feel inside over this subject. How come a man can claim emotional distress and get Viagra covered by insurance or a woman claiming the same thing can get breast implants but I can’t even finish getting a diagnosis? My birth control pills are covered. So insurance will pay for me to prevent a pregnancy and in some states even TERMINATE one but my labs are not covered?! This subject has caused me so much stress in the past few years, I can’t even keep track of how much sleep I have lost over it. You would think this turn of events (I’m still calling it a fork in the road) would leave me ecstatic but it just pisses me off! Come on universe! Why would you wait until I have completely given up on figuring out what’s wrong with me to make figuring out what’s wrong with me possible? This has got to be a joke. What are you trying to say? Am I supposed to get a definite diagnosis? Is that HIS plan? It does make me wonder what kind of “infertility treatments” they are talking about. I mean, is it limited to all the blood work that HAS to be filed under IF or are we talking IVF kinda stuff? Now I am asking myself if these were the insurance terms a year ago would we still have chosen to remain child free? Would this coverage have changed my mind in any way? For now I will focus on the positives. I am very glad to be feeling better. PC and I are blessed to even have insurance in the first place. I feel guilty for allowing myself to get so ¬†wrapped up in all the negative stuff that I forget to be thankful. I hope everyone had a fabulous Halloween!

~~Side Note~~ Spell check made me capitalize Viagra!!!! Ha!

Much Love To All.

Will she be helpful?

FEEL, FEEL LIKE YOU STILL HAVE A CHOICE.

 

Today is my appt with the new gyn. I am excited because I hear great things about her. I am also anxious because deep down inside I am hoping she has some sort of quick fix but I am well aware there is no quick fix. In spite of these mixed emotions, I have been in a pretty positive mood lately. Maybe the dark clouds are rollin’ outa town soon, I don’t know.

PC and I attended our nephew’s 12th birthday last weekend. I hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before but then again I never do. Either way, I think I handled it well. I was more “like myself” at this family gathering than I have been in quite a while. I still can’t explain why these get-togethers are so hard for me. I don’t believe it’s ¬†just the fear of another¬†announcement. I think with all the sadness and negative feelings IF has brought into my life, I simply have no more room. No more room in my head or heart for negativity, anxiety, sadness, or whatever other surprise emotion that might be in store. Heck, I don’t need a family function to feel those things. Just this morning I heard a report on the news that some high school (don’t remember which state) added a section in their yearbook this year to acknowledge the teen moms!! From what I could tell these teen mothers are being acknowledged because they were able to stay in school and graduate. I froze. My whole body froze when I heard this.Are you kidding me? They made the yearbook because they had a baby? Some people have suggested that by doing this, the school is glamorizing teen sex and parenthood. That is not the reason I think this is ridiculous though. Obviously teens were already having sex before this yearbook section was added. The number of “kids having kids” has been consistently rising for years! Others say these young mother’s deserve to be praised for continuing their education, for overcoming this “obstacle”!!! Maybe that’s why this story rubbed me the wrong way. Obstacle??? Okay, I agree they deserve some praise for staying on the straight and narrow and doing what is best for their child. That’s great. But should it be their whole school praising them? Is that the appropriate place to acknowledge this achievement? And I pray they did not use the word “obstacle” in the yearbook. Is it still considered an obstacle if it was a choice?Oh, I better stop before I write an entire book on this subject. So you see….. I get fired up just by watching the damn news. Stories about people I don’t even know. It feels worse when the things that get me “all fired up” are so close to home and begin at a family gathering. Bottom line…I consider this birthday party a victory. A small victory.

Much Love to all!

Pregnant for years???

This is probably going to be another TMI (too much info) kinda blog. Ever heard the phrase “Sh*t or get off the pot”? If mother nature received email, that would be my subject line to her!! ¬†I feel like “I have been pregnant for years!” Yes I know, that sounds ridiculous so let me explain. ¬†My diagnosis has gone from possible cancer in the beginning (turned out not to be the case) to PCOS to endometriosis and so on. ¬†I may not know what is wrong yet but I know how it feels!

A) For about 7 years straight I vomited EVERY morning before work! I had to get up earlier than usual to give myself enough time to brush my teeth 2 or 3 times instead of just once. I would brush then get sick, so I brush again, then get sick again. I just kept brushing until there was nothing left to give. I do not mean to insinuate that this sickness only happened in the mornings. Mostly mornings but the rest of the day was NOT immune to the problem. My poor hubby. I can’t tell you how many times we went out for a nice evening but had to rush home right after dinner because mine “wasn’t settling well”. Unfortunately I can say I DO know what “morning sickness” is like.

B) Then there is the bloating. Nuf said.

C) Oh and the cravings! Random cravings like peanut butter. I have told ¬†people for years that I’m allergic to peanut butter because all my adult life it has made me horribly ill with a complimentary migraine. Why does it sound so good lately? Ugh, ok so maybe it isn’t all bloating after all. :/

D) The mood swings aren’t fun either. In the past I was diagnosed with bi polar. Yay me!!! This is yet ANOTHER diagnosis that my current doctor isn’t so sure about anymore. So not only am I dealing with constant hormonal changes but they might be manic or depressive episodes on top of that? Kidding right? Nope. I wish I were. I am slowly trying to get answers but that takes time. Meanwhile I am left racing for the TV remote when Sarah Mclachlan and her dad-gum SPCA commercials come on late at night when I can’t sleep. Those poor animals, and have you ever really listened to the lyrics of that song??? If not, forget I mentioned it!! Seriously!

I’m probably skipping a “symptom” or 2 but let’s move right on to the physical pain, shall we??? I will not ever claim I know what child-birth feels like. I will however, tell you how freakin’ aggravating it is to feel the kind of pain I do every month (off and on for 2 weeks or so) and get NOTHING out of it! Sounds crazy but geez, at least pregnant women can psych themselves thru the pain by reminding themselves of the gift they will receive when it’s all over. Me? Nopers! I feel like there is¬†a very DULL ice pick inside my tummy slashing me from the belly button down to the south freakin pole! Each cramp will gradually gain in intensity until it peaks, then it slowly subsides and goes away. As if nothing ever happened. Sneaky little smurf!! ¬†And if that’s not enough, mother nature throws in the lower back pain. I swear it’s on the verge of crumbling into a million pieces at any given time. Want me to sweeten the pot? I also have scoliosis (approx 40%), spina bifida occulta and a bulging disk (between L4 and L5 I believe) WTH?? Moving on. What about the¬†blood work, did I mention I HATE needles? The sonograms without a heartbeat. The internal sonograms (not as physically painful as emotionally). The meds, side effects…

Now here is where I mention the “other” pains I have felt for several years now. 1) The heart wrenching “congrats” you muster up for yet another pregnancy announcement!!! The agony of knowing some of these women I am congratulating didn’t plan these pregnancies, they were accidents! What? Accidents? Not to mention, MORE than one of these preggos… I USED TO CHANGE THEIR FRIGGIN DIAPERS!!! I am close to these women, I love them dearly. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I wish it did. 2) Turning on the tv/radio ¬†to hear about children getting hurt/killed DAILY. Sometimes by their own parents. The news is not allowed in my house and it may never be allowed again. That is pain. 3) All of the “reserved for preggos/with child” parking spots. Ok, not the same kind of pain as the first 2 but still makes my tummy hurt so it counts. ¬†4) Not wanting to share your feelings or thoughts or negativity with family and friends. I don’t think I have one adult friend who doesn’t have a child/ren. My point? Birthday parties, holidays, school programs and such year round! And don’t even get me started on Christmas! My hubby and I are buying for a minimum of 13 kiddos¬†this ¬†Christmas, AND THAT’S JUST CLOSE FAMILY! That doesn’t include our distant relatives, my students (when I was teaching) and all of our friend’s kids. By the time we are finished buying for the kids we can hardly afford to buy gifts for any of the adults or for each other! Maybe I am selfish in complaining about this part. I won’t stop buying for the children! Totally not what I’m saying, my point is, this hurts too. 5) The sudden sympathetic phone call from a loved one when they hear of another pregnancy and know I might be sad. Thanks but the call doesn’t make me less sad. It just reminds me that everyone knows I’m sad. Not fun. 6) Baby showers. Doubt I need to elaborate on this one. 7) The sadness in my hubbies eyes when he holds our newborn great nephews in his arms. Yes I said great nephews, great=we are too old for this (and they are too young to be parents) and nephewS=plural! He doesn’t confide in me much regarding this topic but after 18 yrs, I know when he is sad. 8) Knowing he won’t cry because he knows that seeing a grown man cry is devastating to me. (especially one I love).

So I could probably go on and on about this subject. I’m not too sure what the lesson here should be. I don’t think I am the only woman who has felt this way. All of this “pain” makes me wonder. If it hurts this bad before pregnancy, how would it feel during and after a pregnancy. I’m no spring chicken anymore. I guess I’m at the point where I just wanna get “off the pot” already. I don’t wanna be pregnant any longer.