Still the last one picked at dodge-ball!

I know that title is a cliche kind of comparison but that’s how I’m feeling. Except worse! I can’t even pay to get picked!change

Ugh, this house hunting is driving me crazy. I fell in love with another house. We put an offer in and they didn’t pick us. I was kind of surprised this time. We offered $8,000 more than they were asking. Trust me this house was so worth it! My agent even called the selling agent while we were touring the house to ask about the sellers. She found out they wanted to move closer to the city but hadn’t found a house yet. So we also gave the sellers the option of staying in the house as long as they needed to in order to find their new home. We were flexible everywhere in the damn contract and still we were not the strongest offer. How? I mean, obviously someone offered them more money but how are we supposed to know how much is enough, yet not too much?? My agent sounded genuinely surprised when she called me with the news. She is going to follow the sale of the house just in case something falls through but also to find out exactly what made their contract better than ours.

This house hunting process is ironic. I have been relying on this “project” to keep my mind off of the topic of IF and how I feel about the diagnosis still yet this process feels so similar! It is actually reminding me how I feel about my diagnosis. I want this so bad, just as I wanted a baby, and it turns out to be such a struggle. Unlike my diagnosis, this goal is possible but honestly at this point, that is hardly consolation. I wish it were. I mean, sure I can adopt. That’s not what I really want but we could. I could also settle and buy one of these houses that do not fit into any of our criteria. I don’t want to but we could. It’s like the universe says “Oh, I see you would really love ______. Well that’s not gonna happen hun but how about I give you _______ instead?”

We don’t deserve a baby of our own?

We don’t deserve a nice home of our own?

It’s becoming difficult to ignore these feelings.

There is another part of this process that is similar. Remember when you got your diagnosis? Do you remember suddenly noticing EVERY pregnant woman in the world? For me it wasn’t just on TV or at the grocery store. It was my family and friends. And I won’t even mention how many of my fb “friends” suddenly conceived. Pregnant, happy women everywhere yet none of them had even mentioned once that they were trying. Most of them explained how it wasn’t planned. And I was invited to all of the baby showers. And being the “baby person” in my circle, I’m the one that got all the calls of concerns, questions and so on.

The same thing is happening here. Suddenly everyone wants to buy a house. I know I mentioned my SIL in one of my previous posts. She admitted it was hearing PC and I talk about getting approved for a home that made her and her hubby want one! They closed on their new home only weeks after we started our journey. Mu cousin….UGH, my cousin has bought TWO houses in the time PC and I have started looking. Did you hear me? TWO! Her and her hubby and 2 perfect kids have purchased 2 homes in the amount of time PC and I have been turned down for 3!

Why is it so easy for others to accomplish the goals I want to accomplish? I know everyone has struggles but does everyone around me have to succeed at the exact thing I am currently struggling with? Makes me afraid of wanting for anything or working towards anything.

I know I am being tested here but for what? It can’t be patience. I’m a pre-school teacher for goodness sakes, I have more patience in my pinky than most have in their whole body! So then what?

I don’t know how much more rejection I can take.

I am that poverty ridden, young, short child with knots in her long un-groomed hair, holes in her pants being the last one chosen for dodge-ball. But this time I’m no longer poverty ridden, I’m well groomed, inexpensive clothes but no holes AND I’m bringing money to the game. More money than is being asked for.

Why must I still be the last one picked?

My current plan of action:

Re-read my Richard Wiseman books! Follow his instructions. Remember all of the things I have to be grateful for. And find a different perspective for this situation.

Oh and have a few drinks tonight! Just a few though as it will be the first drink I have had in months thanks to my gallbladder problems.

Much Love To All!

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