There is a birthday party this weekend for our nephew and I do not want to go. I have a list of reasons why. Although I do not believe some of them are very reasonable. Whether they are reasonable or not, they are only contributing to my already unmanageable anxiety. I do not need another reason for my body to feel anxious.
- The party is with PC’s family.
- It’s a child’s birthday party. I am still not doing well at these. I feel horrible about it because it certainly isn’t the kids fault I am struggling.
- I haven’t bought a present yet. I know there is still time but the point is, I usually have the presents bought way ahead of time. It’s used to be part of the excitement for me.
- The sister that is throwing the party is the one who watched (and did nothing) as our niece approached me to announce her 2nd pregnancy at the Easter party last year. Easter? It’s almost Easter again! I should be over this by now, right? Well the part that bothered me was finding out I was the only one at the party that didn’t know about this 2nd pregnancy already. Shout out to all my HSP’s out there. I knew the second I opened the front door, something was up! Everyone was acting normal but I could tell something was fixing to blow up. If you look at it from that perspective, the announcement actually made sense.
- This sister is also the one who just bought a house. That just feeds my bitterness. I probably sound like a broken record right now but this is just another example of “things everyone can do except me”. Her and her husband weren’t even looking for a house until PC and I told them we were approved for our loan and currently looking. PC and I ran into a few obstacles and 2 weeks later they closed on their new home. I don’t like feeling this way. I am happy for them. It’s not the buying a house part that bothers me. It’s the succeeding at the very thing we are failing at.
- The “helpful” advice from everyone plus the stares every time the babies in the family are mentioned = way too much awkward for one person to handle! Maybe this is the HSP taking over here. Maybe I read too much into things. I’m just not looking forward to that part. I don’t want to defend our decision to stop TTC. I don’t want to celebrate everyone’s successes while my heart is so hurt from all of my failures. And I can’t tell you what they think of me anymore but I know they treat me differently. I’m not sure things will ever get back to the way they were.
- I am still uncomfortable around PC’s family because of all the “incidents” that have happened recently. I haven’t really dealt with any of them and that’s not like me. Normally I would have confronted each of them as soon as the hurt happened. And it would be over. But I didn’t. So it’s not.
- My health. Okay, this one isn’t un-reasonable to me but as we all know, it probably looks that way to others. I don’t look sick. As a matter of fact, to them, I probably look pretty great since my gallbladder problems have caused a dramatic weight loss! They have no freaking clue what I have dealt with during this 30lbs of weight loss. I would love to gain it all back just to be healthy and happy. They can’t feel any of my IF symptoms. They can’t feel any of my new symptoms. I can’t see how they could understand what it’s like to have so many health questions for so long with no answers. Not knowing why you feel so horrible is enough to drive a sane person crazy. I don’t need to be driven crazy, I’m so close I could walk!!!!! No one understands why I haven’t made an actual plan in about 6 months. I can’t. I have no idea how I will be feeling in the future. And yes I mean even 10 minutes from now. These new symptoms make me feel like a damn prisoner. They do not make me feel like celebrating a child’s birthday.
Ok, I think I can stop ranting now. I have to make a decision soon because I think PC is under the impression we are going. I hope you all have a great, stress-free weekend. Maybe I will tell PC to go to the party and I will cash in the massage gift certificate he gave me for Valentine’s day. 🙂
Much Love To All!