Just when I think I am making emotional progress in this IF journey, something happens to bring me right back to my rock bottom.
A man in Florida is in custody after throwing his 5 year old off a bridge!!???
I say universe because I don’t have the balls to be openly angry or question GOD.
How can I not ask the age old question here? WHY WAS THAT MAN ALLOWED (OR ABLE) TO PRODUCE A HUMAN BEING?
This is not the first horrible story about a child with horrible parents. This one just hit me harder than any of the others I have heard recently. I immediately started crying. I have experience working with abused and neglected children. I have seen a lot worse than this story, unfortunately! So I have to wonder what it is about this particular one that hit me so hard.
I have decided not to focus on that though. I wish I could decide to not focus on any of it. But that is not going to happen. I can’t stop thinking about this. I want to hop on a flight to Florida and introduce myself (and all my rage) to this man. That’s not going to happen either though.
And thanks to my HSP, I’m not just sad for me. Or for PC. I am sad for that little girl. I am sad for all of you. I am crying because many of you have suffered a loss! Something I haven’t been through. I just don’t understand why people who actually WANT a child have to try so fucking hard to conceive only to experience a loss, then there are people like this guy who probably got pregnant accidentally and likely didn’t give this child appropriate care for the short 5 years of her life!! It sucks! And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you are all struggling with IF. I’m sorry I feel so angry towards this particular man right now. I’m sorry I ever complain about my small struggles when compared to most suffering from IF, I have little to complain about. I’m sorry this post has no real point, other than this story has brought me to a “bad day”. I’m sorry I have given this idiot the power to make me feel like this after so much emotional progress lately.
I was so proud of myself because of our Christmas experience with PC’s family. I held the new baby in the family THE ENTIRE TIME we were there! I even felt like the rest of the family – who had already had the chance to meet and hold her – was giving me this chance of healing. No one tried to take her from me. I think they could tell how much I needed to enjoy holding a baby again. For so many reasons I needed to hold this baby. This 2 week old little girl was not passed around the room like she should have been. She layed in my arms. It felt good. It felt amazing actually. I didn’t cry. I wanted to but I didn’t. I fed her, changed her, and of course put her to sleep. I didn’t even put her down to change her wet diaper. I did it in my lap! Haha. For a few hours, I felt like my old self! I was answering questions about the baby’s care, like I used to. I was giving the very young mother some tips – upon her request of course. Who else was going to tell her the hole in the nipple was too big and that’s why the milk was under baby’s chin and not in her little belly?? I’m glad the momma asked because her answer to the problem was to not feed her as much because if she is spitting it out, she must not be hungry. Not even that made me angry. That solution sounded great if hunger was the actual problem. I was happy to have helped. Now this little baby won’t go hungry! I did a good thing. And it felt good to want to help this mom instead of wanting to scream at her and take her straight to the nearest planned parenthood clinic! I’m not saying the party wasn’t difficult for me emotionally but I filed this one under “a victory” because this time, I wasn’t angry!
And now thanks to this asshole I feel like I am back to square one! The anger I was so proud of not feeling, is back in full force. The bitterness that barely existed on a daily basis, also back. And to add to the mess, I am angry at myself for giving this man the power to make me feel this way again! I can not let this happen. I will go to the grocery store as planned and I will hold my head up. I will not stare at the ground as I walk, avoiding all human contact. I will smile. Ok, I will try to smile. I will be polite and pleasant. I will get everything on my list. I will do my best to change this bad day into a good one.
If you made it through to this point I’m confused but grateful. I promise my next post will make sense and will be more positive, maybe even inspiring!
Much Love To All!