Life is full of curve balls BUT when you have a highly sensitive nervous system, it feels more like a fastball straight through your gut. Mixed emotions during a tragedy is an understatement.
My dad had a stroke Monday.
My dad had a stroke.
It appears to have been “minor”. He is stable but has a long road ahead of him. The blood clot in his brain was small and appears to have dissolved on its own.
My emotions are so mixed right now! How ironic is it that my control freak of a father is emotionally and physically struggling right now because he has lost control! Lost control of the right side of his body, lost control as the “man” of the house…etc. He hasn’t missed a day of work in years. He is still the bread-winner. He knows that might all change if he doesn’t make a full recovery. He is frustrated. He cries but not from sadness, from fear. Where will they live if he can’t go back to work? That is hard to watch no matter what he has put me through in the past. He doesn’t want any visitors at all, except for his wife and us kids.
He went to the hospital on Monday. Pc and I were there quickly and stayed until late that night. I haven’t been back yet. The guilt is killing me. My tummy troubles are in full force, my panic is almost constant. I know I can’t base my emotions on Monday. The stroke had just happened, he was in shock and that was probably rock bottom. But what if it wasn’t. I still haven’t cried. I teared up in the ER because he burst into tears the second he saw me. I’m still not sure why he reacted that way. Due to his slurred speech, not one word accompanied the tears. I didn’t want him to see how scared I was. He was fearing his own mortality and my fear was the last thing he needed. I’m not sure I can hold it in next time I see him.
I know this sort of life event makes most people worry about their own health. It makes you think. For an HSP, it makes me panic. Physically ill. Vomiting, diarrhea and all the fun panic symptoms that go along with those. I have been through MANY “life changing events”. I have always been the strong link. Keeping everyone calm, organizing the necessary steps to follow… Now? Not so much. My body wants no part of the stress. I still haven’t been able to make sense of this. Why the change? I mean, if you are HSP, you were born with it, right? Until now, I have viewed my sensitivity as a gift, a friend. It feels more like a foe these days.
The other ironic part of this is that in a way I know how my dad feels right now, mentally anyways. His mind feels normal to him but his body isn’t cooperating. He feels like he is being betrayed by his own body. Thanks to IF, we know what that feels like, don’t we?
- Do my very best to keep my faith.
- Try to get enough sleep
- Continue drinking as much water as I can
- Do my best to juggle taking care of 2 parents.
- Accomplish the previous task without ignoring my own health
- Remain grateful for my blessings!
Much Love To All!