Not just another appointment.

giving up

What a day! I am emotionally spent. Allow me to share with you my experience at my gyn appt today…

PC and I were actually in a pretty good mood for having to get up so early. We aren’t used to those hours seeing as how he works nights. So I get to the doctor’s office and sign in. While I am waiting to be called back a lady comes out of the exam room holding her sonogram photos, I’d say she is about 4 months or so along. I kept my nose in my phone while her and the lady behind the counter make small talk about the baby. So they call me back and we start the exam. As I am laying on the table the nurse starts asking questions about my health and why the doc wants me to have the ultrasound. I give her a brief description of what is going on while she gets started. I noticed in the middle of our small talk that she reaches for the jelly and an instrument that does not look like the “wand” I am used to seeing for an internal ultrasound. Before I know it I am getting a regular ole sonogram. She starts putting pressure on my tummy with her little instrument. I have never had one of these before. And I didn’t realize how I felt about it until, while she was applying that pressure and asking if it hurt, I glanced over at the monitor. The monitor with all of my personal info on it and a very depressingly empty uterus staring at me. I immediately started to cry. No facial expression, just a sea of tears rolling down my face. She asked it I was in pain to which I replied “No, that doesn’t hurt but for pete’s sake, I need you to turn that monitor around so I can’t see it!!” She quickly turned the monitor and we did our best to finish our small talk. After she did the internal ultrasound she left the room so I could dress. I cried for about 10 minutes then I realized the tears just wouldn’t stop. I collected myself long enough to check out and run to my car, grateful I wore my sunglasses today.

My doc will go over the results with me at my follow up this Thursday but there were a few things the nurse could tell me. 1) My ovaries did not looked inflamed (they should be if I had PCOS). So it looks like my gyn is correct about that. 2) My uterus is tilted backwards. No big deal at all. 3) I had fluid where there should be none. She believes a cyst must have ruptured. Not a polycystic cyst but the kind most women have around the start of their period. They usually do not rupture. I am under the impression the fluid will be gone once my period starts and I should not be worried about the fluid itself. I may not have understood her correctly though. She was a little concerned about why the cyst would rupture though.  Other than that she said she saw nothing that would concern her.

Anyhow, I sat in my car for quite some time. I figured the tears would stop soon and I could be on my way. I was wrong. So I drove to my SIL’s house and finished my sob fest in her driveway. I went in and visited with her for a while and I felt better.

Why did I react like that? I knew what it would look like. And we are no longer TTC. So WTF????? I was just as confused about my own reaction as I was sad. I really thought once we made that decision, these little reminders would get easier. Maybe it was the surprise element that made it worse. I had no clue I was getting that kind of ultrasound. To an IF woman there is a HUGE difference between the two.

The positives I took away from today….

  • this visit was covered by ins
  • I have a great SIL
  • even though the appt lead to some sort of meltdown, it did not ruin the rest of my day
  • PC was a rock for me today, as usual

I think it is time for a hot bath and one of my books.

Much Love To All.

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