It was then that I carried you…


Today is a special day. My very first niece was born today, 15 years ago!

For any rebel hsp’s out there, this is the paragraph to skip: My niece is an angel now. Her story is unique. I will not go into every detail out of respect for my SIL but I will sum it up. She was a gorgeous little baby. She was born with some health problems. Her mother took care of her at home although she was judged by many for doing so. Sweetheart (I will refer to my niece as sweetheart) was in a coma and dependent on a vent. The sound of her discomfort was not a footprints plaquecry but the beeping of her pulse ox when her sat’s dropped. It was an experience I will never ever forget. I felt honored to help take care of her. I was living with PC and his parents at the time, along with my SIL and sweetheart. Although we were not married yet, we all knew that’s where we were headed.  Anyhow, not many people could understand why SIL was keeping sweetheart alive on these machines. I’m sure on the outside it looked selfish on her part but screw the outside! She wasn’t giving up until she knew exactly what was wrong and what had happened to her seemingly healthy (until birth) sweet girl. I’m proud of my SIL for that! She lived for 1 year and 2 weeks and I cherish every memory I have of her, as unconventional as they may be. I am not explaining this to make anyone sad or ruin anyone’s weekend. Matter of fact I think that is about all I will say about sweetheart’s short life on earth with us.

You would think that my hyper-sensitivity would cause me to be a hot mess about this kind of stuff. However, this is the intuitive part of HSP and took me a long time to figure that out.  I have never been “normal” when it comes to death. It is unfortunately the time I feel closest to God himself. I have always had precognitive dreams (dreams that predict the future). They have ALWAYS been about death. It was creepy at first. Now I just glance up at the sky with tears in my eyes and thank Him for the heads up. My dreams don’t give me enough info to change the outcome but somehow it prepares me. A few times, as was the case with sweetheart, it is a sudden feeling of depression x25 rather than a dream. The feeling I got the night sweetheart passed was one of my first. I didn’t know what was going on, I just couldn’t stop crying. I kept telling PC (I don’t even want to know how crazy he thought I was at this point) “I don’t know what’s wrong. Something just isn’t right. Something bad is fixing to happen. My tummy hurts”. The difference between my precognitive dreams and just a bad dream is that in my precog dreams, I do not cry. Not one tear! Everyone around me is hysterical and I am more shocked or maybe confused than anything. I console everyone but I never cry. Also, my dream “narrows” down the details but not to the T. I don’t know who is going to pass but I know it’s a co-worker (yes that happened) or I know it’s a grandma figure (yup, that one too) or something like that. Only one of my precog dreams was of someone whom I was not close to personally. It was a family friend  and her family who suffered the loss. Funerals are so important to me. I must go. I don’t have closure if I don’t go. I am the morbid one people stare at in horror because I take pictures if I can. After the funeral, I can go back to my matter of fact self. Does that mean I never mourn this person again? No way! I have lost many people in my life and I think about them a lot. I still shed tears every once in a while about the best friend I lost back in 1990! Of course I was young then, she was my best friend, and she was buried on my birthday. Yeah,, that one still stings a bit. Anyhow, What it does mean is I am the one who cares for the gravesite. I go sit and visit with them as if they are sitting there with me. I clear the weeds, replace the flowers and more. I am sad but not hysterical. I feel at peace. I feel their energy there with me. I am reminded while I’m there to be grateful. Grateful for my life, as weird and confusing as it is. Grateful that I knew these amazing people. Most of my AH HA moments in life happened while I was visiting the cemetery. It is my church!

I have considered taking my intuitions and limited psychic abilities to the next level but I am conflicted about doing so. I wouldn’t even know where to start. I feel like I could help people somehow if I could though. So today, I will celebrate my sweetheart’s 15th birthday by paying her a visit. I will go to my church and embrace the energy. Thank you in advance for not judging me.

Much Love To All!

One response to “It was then that I carried you…

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