It all comes down to fear.

fearI have to say this weekend turned out much better than I thought it would. I had a lot on my mind and I was worried it would interfere with PC’s birthday weekend. We didn’t party hard this year. We spent time together here at home, visited the zoo, hung out with some great friends and more. Overall it was a nice weekend and I wasted time worrying that it would be horrible. What a waste of time. Silly me.

While at our friend’s house, a mutual friend showed up whom we hadn’t seen in quite some time. As we were catching up a bit he asked if I was still teaching. I answered with a firm no. His next question was “What do you do now?” to which I answered “Nothing! I’m enjoying a much needed break at the moment”. Naturally his next comment was “Oh, so you’re a stay at home mom. That’s cool.”. I giggled and said “Yeah, a stay at home mom who cares for an adult male I usually refer to as my husband.” We both laughed, as I internally prepared for the only logical question to follow…”Oh, that’s right, you guys don’t have kids. When are you going to have kids?”.  Usually it takes me a few seconds if not minutes to purposefully keep a straight face while deciding how to answer that question. This time I just looked at him and said “We aren’t”. To which he replied, “Wow, good for you guys!” he elaborated but that was the jest. I guess I’m used to the “Oh, why not, you would make such a great mom!” response. He probably thought I was a bit off my rocker because I just sat there staring at him with a smile on my face as he explained how acceptable he found our decision and never once did he ask why! It was a very refreshing change. Again, I realized that my fear of that subject is their response. But why be fearful? There is a chance they might react the way this man did. I felt comfortable enough with him to say something like “Well, it’s wasn’t an easy decision and we still have our moments when we wonder if we should but in the long run I think it’s the best decision for us”. Again he was supportive as he could be with the limited info he had about our situation.

Sunday evening as I was suffering from knots in my tummy because of my decision to not perform nor attend the memorial, my baby sis texted me. After a few short texts she said “I miss you btw” and then a bit later she said “You don’t know how much I love you”. Oh heavens!!!!! She got me in my feel goods right there! My baby sis and I are about 14 years apart. My dad remarried and they had her. We were very close when she was young but as she grew into her teenage years I was off to live life as a young adult. I didn’t see her much. She is married now with a baby of her own. Her’s was another one of those very painful announcements after my diagnosis. She wasn’t ready for a baby and the pregnancy was a surprise as well. Either way we haven’t been close for a while and with the hell my other sister has put me through I almost didn’t want to try with this one. But she has reached out several times lately. She even called me a couple months ago to ask a few questions about moonpie (that’s what I call my gorgeous niece) when she wasn’t feeling well. I was honored because this sister is particularly proud of her independence and asking for help means she is unable to do something on her own. The moral of this story is the same as the one in the previous paragraph. I was more afraid that my family would start drama than I was willing to fully accept my decision regardless of anyone’s reactions. I don’t care either way if my family approved of my choice to not got to the memorial but I know what kind of drama and trouble they are capable of, and I am not interested in being a part of it. Sometimes, just like with kids, I have to choose my battles with them wisely!

This whole weekend reminded me how often I allow my fears to control me. It is sad to think that I am aware of this and still let it happen. Whether we are talking about family building, memorial services or the clothes on my back (which by the way are as quirky as I am) I do NOT need anyone’s approval. I am not in control over their reactions to my decisions. That is not my responsibility and neither is worrying about it all BEFORE it happens! When will I realize that their possible reactions to my decisions don’t change my decisions, it only changes how horrible I feel while or after I make them! Ugh.  I am grateful for this weekend and the quality time I got with PC. I guess sometimes we just need to be reminded how fortunate we are, ya know in the big picture.  🙂

Much Love To All!

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