Insufficient funds!!

My self-esteem/self-worth bank account has insufficient funds right now! That’s it. Not enough deposits into the account and way too many withdrawals. I will break it down in list form.

MY DEPOSITS:

• Being a great teacher, helping my students and their parents learn, the hugs, kisses, high fives, (ok this list could go on and on) = HUGE DEPOSIT into the account every day! I no longer teach = no more daily deposits.
• Throwing all the baby showers in the family and in my circle of friends = another deposit into the account for each and every step of each and every shower. Can’t handle going to showers anymore so forget about hosting one = no deposits.
• I was the stand by babysitter for most everyone I know…deposit. If someone’s child was sick they used to call me before taking them to the doctor so I could come take a look myself, just to get my opinion…deposit. I helped set up birthday parties…deposit. Just like my list of teaching deposits, this list could go on and on so…Conclusion: I AM PRACTICALLY A HERMIT NOW, DON’T LEAVE THE HOUSE and that = no deposit, no deposit, no deposit…

Now the things I listed above are things I no longer do anymore. I can not consider them withdrawals but I am no longer receiving those deposits. I do still help people so you would think I would still feel like I am getting a few deposits every now and then. Here is where my ah-ha moment happened. I realized that what used to make me feel good, worthy, what used to define me, no longer does. I still enjoy helping people in any way I can.  Only now I am being picky about who and how much I help. I guess there comes a time in your life when “doing the right thing while expecting nothing in return” sounds absurd!!!! I do want something in return! I want care, respect, appreciation or at least the feeling that comes with knowing the person(s) you are helping would do the same for you! Doesn’t everybody want something like that? That leads me to the withdrawals from my account.

MY WITHDRAWALS:

• This memorial I was supposed to do, for example. That service felt like a withdrawal from my self-esteem/self-worth bank account. I would have been (once again) helping my ungrateful, selfish family, who would not do any of this for me if I needed it. The reason it feels like a withdrawal is because I still want to help I just can’t afford to anymore. The weird thing is, this memorial service would have been a huge deposit I was doing it for total strangers. People whom I could give the benefit of the doubt. I could easily assume they actually appreciated that kind of help and I would have had zero evidence to the contrary.
• Every daily reminder I receive regarding my IF.
• The phone conversation with my MIL where she accused PC of treating one of our nephews differently because he is adopted! (and the drama that followed that incident)
• When my SIL watched my niece approach me in the middle of a family function with the sonogram picture of her 2nd pregnancy announcement since my diagnosis, and DIDN’T stop her.
• The trouble I am having with my middle sister, who (if anyone was wondering) has now decided she does NOT have skin cancer or fibromyalgia but now she DOES have lupus and some sort of liver/kidney failure!!! Since I cut her crazy, toxic ass out of my life she is keeping my most awesomess, amazing, gorgeous, perfect, funny niece away from me. And there is literally NO telling what kinds of horrible things she is telling that 11 year old! And this one takes a withdraw on a regular basis because cutting her out of my life doesn’t stop her from causing me trouble. We still have the same parents, baby sister…etc. I miss my niece so much. 😦
• My other SIL drove out of town to take the last mentioned sister’s wedding pictures (knowing ALL of the hell she has and still is putting me through). And did I mention this wedding took place on MY ANNIVERSARY! Ok, I think I have mentioned that a couple hundred times in my blog. I guess that is going to take a while for me to get over. My apologies for repeating myself throughout my blog.
• My best friend wasting every one of our phone calls on bitching at me for not calling/visiting enough! I’m so sorry my struggles are inconveniencing you….. She was actually mad at me when I told her I would be there for her daughter’s bday party. “Oh sure, you will be there for her but not for me??”. Why would she be jealous of her own 10 year old?

Ok,  so I’m assuming you get the point. My advice to you is…When you realize your life is taking a completely different path than you thought it would, make sure everyone walking that path with you still belongs there!! Some of those people may have served a valuable purpose at one point in time but we don’t live in “one point in time” we are living in the “now”. So if they don’t make any deposits in any of your accounts in the present time…well then maybe they are worth more on someone else’s path.  Plan of action is 1) get back into the work force and hopefully get some daily deposits 2) continue with my piano lessons (plenty of deposits there) 3) weed out the assholes in my life hiding a ladder from me, draining my account  4) continue to work through my issues with the best therapist on the planet, so I don’t weed out the wrong people! and 5) continue to pray!

Much Love To All.