Sometimes you have to take a step back to decide if a situation is going to be more helpful to you or hurtful? This is one of those times for me.
I talked about a death in the family in my last post. Now my aunt has asked me to say a few words at the informal memorial service we are having soon, because I am an ordained minister. Well I am not comfortable with this. And technically, it wasn’t even the aunt who lost her hubby that asked me to do this, it was a different aunt who made the suggestion. I thought it was a great idea at first but now I can’t stop thinking of how I am going to get out of this. I know that sounds horrible to most but it’s how I feel. There are so many reasons why I think this is a bad idea but here a handful of them…
- My whole family will be there. For the most part, my family and I do not get along and never will! Let’s just say they are one of my most discussed topics in therapy.
- Yes, I am an ordained minister. No I have never handled a memorial service. Actually this is sort of a new thing for me. I have only performed one marriage so far. So, this may be a task I do not have enough experience for quite yet.
- The aunt who suggested I do this was very UNsympathetic when I expressed hesitation. The way she was talking, she made it sound like it was my obligation, like why wouldn’t I? By the end of that phone convo I was very uncomfortable.
- I haven’t reached out to any of my family about my HSP. I have zero confidence they would even try to understand and even if they could understand, I know most of them wouldn’t care. So it would really be a waste of time to explain it all to them. I actually haven’t shared that subject with anyone except PC, all of you and my EX best friend. (I am going to write a post about her later this week)
- I suffer from panic attacks. I don’t have them as often as I used to – probably because I have become a very content hermit in the past year or so. Several things can cause one and many times I have no idea what caused it. The common denominator in most of them though is being in front of a crowd. Especially a crowd of people I am not comfortable being around. I would rather be in the middle of a crowd of strangers.
- I am currently struggling with several “issues” in life that I feel might get in the way of giving a meaningful service. How can I stand up there and focus my energy on such a sentimental moment when my heart is full of anger, sadness, resentment…etc, I don’t think it’s right. I kind of feeling like it would be dishonest. Dishonest for me to speak G#D’s word with such an ungrateful heart. Especially when I know that many of the people that will be there are the reason I am struggling with these feelings. Now this I KNOW my family won’t understand.
- Then to sum the last two reasons up, why would I punish my poor aunt for things others have done? This is where the guilt takes over. How terribly selfish is that? She didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not her fault the rest of my circle sucks! This is a special circumstance and I should adjust. Right?
I am so confused about all of this. I know people who can make these kinds of decisions in a matter of seconds. Either they “can” do it or they “can’t”. Why do I put so much thought into some things and not others. It’s not like this decision is similar to deciding which shoes to wear today but it just seems like with all the new info I have about myself, including the HSP stuff, it should be easier to decide if I can handle this or not. Ok I think that about wraps up my babbling vent for the night. I hope everyone had a great weekend.
Much Love To All