Story of my life right now. HSP and unexplained infertility is a deadly combination!
I feel as though I am not the same person I was even 3 years ago. I mean almost not AT ALL the same. I have the same likes and dislikes for the most part but that’s about it. Every one of my relationships is suffering right now and not only do I not completely understand why they got that way but I have no idea how to get them back on track. So many changes to adjust to. I had a very challenging childhood and came out of that stronger but for some reason I am taking all of my current challenges in life so personally! They aren’t individual experiences anymore. I am grouping them up and stuffing them into the same hurtful box. Why on earth would I do that to myself? How do I stop? I don’t believe my friends/family are intentionally hurting me so why does it feel like they are?
For the first time in 18 years, my mother in law and I are not speaking. I may have mentioned, in a previous post, a phone call that took place about 5 months ago between her and I. Yeah, we haven’t spoken since then! The call broke my heart and pissed me off! Before that it was my brother in law’s text. Before him it was my sis in law. And before her, my other sis in law. They all did/didn’t do/said something that crushed me and I haven’t told any of them how I felt about it. I have made excuse after excuse for not saying anything to any of them but the real reason still escapes me. That is very sad because this is a solid family. They are amazing! Like any family they have their flaws but still rather jealous-provoking amazing! It is sad because this is not how I would normally handle these things. With the exception of a few people (whom I deemed not worth the fight), I normally would have already confronted the person who hurt me and we would have already moved on.
My best friend and I had our first real fight last Friday. It was over the phone and we haven’t spoken since. I have often wondered if she is also HSP. Either way, she feels as though I have abandoned her for my new found habit of hibernation. For months, every time we talked, she would comment on my “hibernation”. She would say something like “Oh, hey, haven’t heard from you in a while. You must be feeling better. You coming out of the house today?” She knows just about everything there is to know about me, including the infertility. So when we would go a week or two without talking she would assume it was because I was depressed or something. I was a bit offended but I knew there was no way she could ever understand what I was going through so I couldn’t blame her for trying to find an explanation on her own. I couldn’t figure out why the amount of visits and phone calls we shared was never enough. Why she felt so abandoned and like I don’t care about her. But again, I never said anything. There is so much more to this story though. Too much to list in this post. The point is I am no longer standing up for myself and that pisses me off!!
As if that’s not enough, I saw my new gyn last week. She is convinced I do not have PCOS although I have many of the symptoms. She claims I do have PMDD and put me on BC pills. I was all for the idea until I started pms-ing. Like BAD! My pms has always been pretty severe and my cycles have always been irregular. If I predict my next cycle based on my last 3 months then this pms is pretty early. My cycle is usually within the same 2.5 weeks every month. That’s about as regular as it gets for me. As a matter of fact, every 6 months or so that changes. Back in March of this year my cycle was in a different 2.5 week span during the month than it is now. So now my infertility is unexplained. The treatment plan is to see which symptoms the pills eliminate and go from there. The whole process sucks. But the symptoms are going to kill me so I am just glad to have a plan. Plus, I really like this doc! She is awesome!
So…My only plan of action at this time is to handle each of these situations one at a time and keep taking these damn BC pills. Today I plan on visiting my mother in law. She is upset with me because she can tell I have been avoiding her. Although I feel like she has no right to be mad at me for not talking to her because she is also not talking to me, I have to fix this. It’s making my tummy ache. The others act like they have no clue I was even upset with them, which is very possible. Wish me luck and as always, I am open to suggestions!
Much love to all…