YAPA

goalI created a new abbreviation. YAPA = Yet Another Pregnancy Announcement. I am making an effort to write a positive post at a moment I am NOT feeling positive at all. I have no choice really. How long am I going to let these damn announcements ruin my day/week/month…life??? I can not afford to allow them to effect me like this. First I will briefly explain why I am feeling upset. Then I plan on looking at it differently.

My cousin contacted me to let me know his 14 year old daughter is 6 weeks pregnant. (By the way, it is taking all of my might not to write this in all caps and use an excessive amount of exclamation marks.) I know I am not alone in not being excited about every pregnancy announcement I hear. I am curious about this though. How many “acceptable” announcements have you heard since your diagnosis versus “unacceptable” announcements. I feel like the only ones I have heard that didn’t upset me were the ones I read on here. In real life, ALL of the announcements were from people I felt didn’t deserve the opportunity. Why is that? I saw a difference between deserving and UNdeserving parents LONG before my diagnosis, so even though it might make these feelings a little worse, it is not the sole reason why these announcements upset me now. Is this some kind of joke? Why isn’t there one, just one, happily married couple expecting a baby in my real life? They don’t even have to be married. How about a responsible couple that are madly in love? That would work too. I will host that baby shower myself!

Ok, now here is where my new found perspective comes in handy. I am not good at this yet but here it goes.

This pregnancy announcement is not in my immediate family. I am not responsible for a thing. I won’t be asked to host the shower, this young mother won’t be calling me for advice…It will not directly effect me in any way. There are millions of pregnancies out there that will not effect me on a day to day basis. Therefore, I am not upset about all of them. So I do not need to be upset about this one. Then I realize that instead of reacting to this child having a baby. I could think about the fact that this CHILD is having a baby. She could be scared out of her mind right now. Her whole life has changed. Her whole life is about to change even more and she has no idea. Her mother passed away about a year ago and her father is getting remarried this December.  Her world has already been turned upside down. Maybe she had no one there for her. Maybe she is rebelling in the most self destructive way she could think of. My only responsibility is to pray for her. To pray for her baby. To pray for her future.

This is the point where I see this in a new perspective. I have realized that anger is not the only emotion I can allow myself to recognize right now. So maybe I can keep the anger to a minimum and remember the things I just mentioned about her situation.  After doing so, I feel sad about what she is going through right now. I can feel (at least a little) sympathetic. Her mommy won’t be there when she really needs her. Then I feel grateful that I did not change my life’s course by having a child before PC and I were ready. Not that having a child at a young age will absolutely ruin your life. But PC and I talked about kids before the divorce. If we pretend that I was fabulous and fertile at that time, I think our choice to not have children yet was a good one! I mean, if we had gotten pregnant would we still have gotten divorced? If not, would be be this happy today? I mean, we grew so much while we were apart.  Bottom line here is… My other feelings are getting jealous. Anger/bitterness is getting all my attention. Maybe if I can learn to acknowledge and accept  the anger then i can move on by acknowledging and accepting the remaining feelings too.

Then I remember the picture above and how I felt the first time I saw it. I felt grateful. Grateful that even though having children is not a goal PC and I will ever achieve, there are so many goals and dreams out there that we can achieve. So many! Some of them will only be possible because we don’t have children. So this new perspective stuff leads me down a path where I remember how excited PC and I were about these other goals we used to talk about. Why don’t we talk about them anymore? This diagnosis has taken over our whole world. But it doesn’t have to. That is a choice. We are choosing to focus on the bad and not the good. When I think about it, we are kinda stupid for doing so. I mean, if seeing the bad all the time is a choice then we have no right to complain about the bad. Right? So we are choosing to see the good. I know, I know, so much easier said than done, but it is possible and we have to at least try. If I can remember this every time I hear a new announcement, I think it will start to get easier. When does it start to get easier?

Ok, that is about as positive as I can write after getting YAPA. <<See what I did there? Hehe.

Much Love to All…

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2 responses to “YAPA

  1. Loved your shift in perspective. While reading I kept thinking how the devil wants us angry, bitter and resentful so that we aren’t even thinking about loving this child and praying for her. Xo! Great post!

    • Thank you so much! I actually had a very negative handful of paragraphs already written when I just got this feeling in the pit of my tummy. I don’t want to only get on here when I want to vent. So I erased the whole post and started over. I am grateful I felt the urge to pray for that baby. It’s the first time since my diagnosis that I truly thought about the baby.Thank you for your kind words.

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