This damn emotional roller coaster is gonna get the best of me if I’m not careful. As soon as I begin to have several consecutive “good days” someone in my life (not a stranger) comes along and throws a fork in the road, like they did today. I might be over reacting here and I kinda hope I am…
I received a text from a family member this morning. Apparently he and his wife and 3 kids went to…..LEGOLAND! That’s great. I have no problem with that. If you have followed my blog you may be familiar with my “incident” with Merlin Entertainments, the company that owns and runs Legoland Discovery Center in DFW Texas.. It is still a touchy subject for PC and I. Anyhow, the problem is how he told me about their adventure. The text he sent me was a picture of his ticket with a caption that said “jealous aren’t you”…. Are you kidding me?????? Why would you say that to me? I wasn’t this upset at first. Actually I responded by saying “LOL, We don’t have to pay to get in”. Insinuating he is the one that should be jealous because I know what he just paid for a family of 5 to get into that place. Anyhow, Maybe he forgot the end result of my little temper tantrum with that company. As a matter of fact, If they had contacted us before they went I could have gotten them into all of this company’s amusements for free! The CEO was so afraid of negative word of mouth that he told me to contact him anytime me or my family were going to visit ANY of their entertainment centers across the USA and he would make sure we got in free.
As I said, I wasn’t this upset earlier today. I was enjoying some music a few hours ago and it all of a sudden hit me. I started crying out of no where, for no reason. Then his text crossed my mind and crying turned into sobbing. Just when I think I’m going to be able to get past this sadness/bitterness/anger/sensitivity…etc, something else pops up and I feel like I’m back at square one. I don’t believe he had ill intentions when sending this text. I know him well and he was just trying to be funny/sarcastic. But how could he not realize that would be hurtful? Did he show his wife the text? Why didn’t she stop him? This seems to be a recurring theme. Why isn’t ANYONE sticking up for me? Not just in the IF category of my life but overall. This is a new emotion for me as well. I have never wanted or needed any sort of emotional support from anyone. I give the support in my life. I stick up for the ones I love when they aren’t able to do it for themselves. Don’t I deserve the same in return? Even an attempt on their part? I feel partially responsible for this text because in front of anyone except PC, my sadness/depression LOOKS like anger. I am aware of that. Anger is and always has been my go-to emotion when I am upset. I’m sure the family only saw anger when we told them about our adventures with this company. So maybe he had no idea how hurtful my ordeal was with this company. I’m sure he thought he was just annoying me. Maybe I am just hormonal thanks to this BFF of mine PMS! She has never been kind to me. Or maybe, just maybe…..one of my family member’s just did a very hurtful thing to me and I should say something!!! I am tired of making excuses for everyone elses bad choices. This text was a stab in the heart and I will NOT apologize for my pain.
My concern is that, for whatever reason, I am holding my tongue these days like I have never done before. I can’t explain this mysterious urge to just sit in the corner and cry it out rather than stick up for myself and confront the people that have hurt or upset me. Maybe I feel as though speaking up would not accomplish anything. Or maybe I just don’t have enough mental energy to handle others. All my energy both physical and mental, is used up in my daily attempt to just “stay above the water”. Either way, it is scaring me a little. Anyone who has known me for more than a week will tell you that I believe people should “Say what they mean and mean what they say!!!” (thank you DR.Seuss) I guess I need to figure out if I’m going to say anything to this family member or not. It kind of sucks that I even have to make this decision. Am I going to have to be in permanent “self protection mode” for the rest of my life because others might say or do something that they don’t realize will be hurtful due to my situation? I don’t even want this damn “situation” but now it is my responsibility to educate everyone around me about the sensitivities that accompany this “situation”! If one of my loved ones had passed away, my friends and family would know THAT might be a sensitive subject for me. Or if I had lost my job, crashed my car, been evicted….they would automatically tread lightly around those subjects. Think twice about what they said or did. Why isn’t this similar? In my mind this particular text should have been an obvious BAD IDEA.
I do apologize for following up such a positive post with this negative one. I will celebrate the day I can look back at my posts and see a pattern of positive, uplifting, encouraging posts. I will do my best.
Much Love to all!