What do you gain when you lose…


I saw the above picture and it captured me. I read it several times and then just stared for a while. Has my pain just hurt me or has it changed me? Pain is inevitable. We all know that. Everyone suffers some sort of pain through out their life. Pain comes in all shapes and sizes, in every form imaginable. During this IF process I lost myself. I lost my patience, my faith in doctors, my faith in family, my dreams and so much more. What did I gain?

  1.  You are a victim of your own mind                                                    The brain is a powerful thing. Add the body and heart to it, that makes it down right unpredictable. I have allowed my brain to take over. I make things worse than they really are. I worry about things that either don’t matter in the big picture of things or that I have absolutely no control over. This is where the anxiety and panic attacks come from. Trust your gut more often. The little things I worry about…are they really that bad anyways? Women tend to worry about things verbally. Men tend to spring into some sort of action to fix a problem that hasn’t even happened yet. Either way, don’t let your brain trick you.

2. I can literally change my life at any moment.                                 Scary and exciting all at the same time. I could start a new career path, take music lessons, learn a new language, we could vacation wherever we want. I could stop allowing “toxic” people in my life, related or not!! The entire world is in our hands. I plan on taking advantage of that.

3. One of the hardest things to do in life is letting go.                        Whether it is anger, loss, betrayal, love or even guilt…We can’t seem to let go. We fight to hold on then we fight to let go.

4. Relying on “the future” for happiness is nonsense!!!!               We assume if we had that one thing or this one thing THEN we will be happy, everything will be alright. For me (and many of us here) that one thing is a baby. If you think about it though, we could still live happy lives until we get a resolution to our IF. Why do we defer our happiness? We want that thing (what ever it is) and we want it now. Then after we get it we experience that major anticlimax after the dust settles. (maybe not in our situation so much). But even for “us” can’t we try to be content with what we have while we work towards what we want??? The whole “not the destination but the journey” idea…

5. Surround yourself with differences…                                                I am not just talking about trying something new here. I mean get to know some people that obviously have different opinions as you. Get to know their side of the story. The beauty of this is you don’t have to agree with them.

6. Say what you mean…                                                                            Why beat around this famous “bush” I always hear about? Just say it!!!!!!!! You don’t have to say it rudely just honestly. Honesty is a must for me. In all relationships period. It’s actually an obsession with me but that’s a different soap opera all together. Point is….don’t listen to someone with the intent to REPLY. Listen with the intent to understand. Then your response will be productive, Who cares who “wins” the argument. If BOTH parties are not able to effectively get their point/feelings across YOU BOTH LOSE! You may have gotten the last word but you might as well write it down and save it for the next time because the problem has not been solved.

7. When someone shows you their true colors, believe them!       Not much to say about this one really. It’s kind of the same idea as “hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on ME”. Or the “no one can make you feel _______ without your permission”. That’s a good one too. I’m not sure I agree with that last one completely. I guess it depends on how you fill in the blank. My view on this though is, if someone hurts me over and over again, I am responsible for that. I have the ability to change the outcome. I can “not sweat the small stuff”, or cut the hurtful person out of my life, maybe set boundaries with them….They are not responsible for my feelings, I am!

8. Everything does NOT happen for a reason…                                  I’m sure there are many people who will disagree with me on this one. I am not saying this in a religious way though. Maybe G@D had a plan that we don’t understand. We have to accept that we may NEVER understand. So as humans in the flesh…..sometimes there is no reason. I feel like I have no other choice but to believe this one to be true. I had a very challenging childhood and an even more challenging transition into adulthood. I have still to this day been to more funerals than weddings, and I married my husband twice! I have seen tragedies unfold right before my eyes. In life in general, I like to know all the “whys”. If I don’t allow myself to put some of these life challenges in the “I don’t know” folder, I will spend my entire life asking why. Why did she have to die? Why was this person so hurtful? Why can’t I have children? There just isn’t a reason sometimes….

9. Apologies are for you, not them                                                        If you feel sorry then apologize. This does not guarantee forgiveness from the other person. That is their choice. Getting the other person to forgive you is not the purpose. Forgiving yourself is! You can not move on until you do. It works both ways as well. Just because someone apologizes does not mean you are obligated to forgive them. In addition, if you do forgive them, that doesn’t mean you are willing to put yourself in the position where this wrongdoing could occur again!

10.  Always believe in yourself                                                                  Whether you think you can or you think you can’t…You’re probably right!  “A bird sitting in a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking because her trust is not in the branch but in her own wings”. 

I gained perspective. A new perspective on many things… including pain. I gained the opportunity to turn my pain into change.  A good kind of change.  They say the definition of “insanity” is to do the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I have the power to do something different and perhaps get a different result.  Recognize the difference between the pain that hurts you and the pain that changes you and you will gain when you lose too!

Much Love ladies and gents…

7 responses to “What do you gain when you lose…

    • Thank you so much. I just wish it didn’t take me so long to see the “for the better” part. I’m happy for you and your hubby. Embrace it and own it. I am considering finishing the list. I had more to add but noticed the word count and decided to wrap things up…

  1. Pingback: What do you gain when you lose – Part 1.5 | My Dink-ish Life

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