I think Easter Sunday was when I realized the true meaning of this picture. I am beginning to believe this grief we feel will never go away. The trick is to learn how to handle this grief and how to channel it towards a fulfilling life. This post is about how I came to this lightbulb moment.
So as I said before PC’s family asked that everyone bring a dozen eggs for the egg hunt. I was not happy at all about this request! We did not bring eggs but I think I was the only one thinking about it. No one at the party even noticed we only had potato salad in our hands upon arrival. (Yes I am aware I sometimes turn things into a bigger deal than they really are.) However, about an hour into the party I realized WHY we got away with not bringing our share of eggs and why I wasn’t just imagining things when I felt like everyone was staring at me…Did you guess it already? Yup, you got it. ANOTHER PREGNANCY ANNOUNCEMENT! The only people in the house FULL of family who didn’t already know about it were PC and I. Our niece (and by “niece” I mean our nephew’s baby momma) is nine weeks. To learn more about the obstacles blocking my path to a congratulations for her, please refer to the list below.
- I could see the fear/uncertainty/sadness/whatever else in her eyes as she told me. She didn’t look me in the eyes at all and she didn’t actually come out and say the words. She showed me a sonogram on her phone and jokingly said something to the effect of “Ha, I just realized you and PC are the only ones I haven’t told yet”.
- If you noticed in that last paragraph I referred to her as “our nephew’s baby momma”. I am NOT referring to this new pregnancy! They already have a baby! Yes, this baby is celebrating his first birthday this summer! I swear I just blogged about this girl not long ago expressing how I felt about going to her baby shower. LESS than 12 months after delivering a child she is 9 weeks pregnant with #2!
- I know “undeserving” is a very judgmental word. That being said, this girl is just that in my IF eyes. Completely UNDESERVING of this opportunity. I refuse to apologize for feeling this way.
- This was another accidental pregnancy. Just like her first one was.
- Contraceptives are free in millions of clinics across the freakin’ country! She is young but not too young to understand how to prevent this from happening again. Why would you NOT prevent another baby you and your boyfriend can not afford? That makes this a choice not an accident! And Why oh why, does this girl (of all the girls in the world) get a choice and I don’t??????
- They ALL knew about it before Sunday! PC and I were literally the only ones who hadn’t been told yet. I feel like an idiot! I could have collected the pity and sympathy from the air around me, bottled it up, and sold it to my sister who would probably die without that stuff in her life! I knew the mood was weird in the room during the party. I thought maybe they were upset about us not contributing to the eggs and no one wanted to confront me about it. I’m kinda wishing that woulda been the problem. How many times did they discuss this amongst themselves before Easter? Did they all know she was going to spring it on me like that? Pity now has a scent to me. It smells like bbq chicken, deviled eggs and peeps.
- Did she have to pull her phone out and tell me in front of everyone???? No it wasn’t literally everyone but I sure felt like I had an audience. You didn’t consider…I don’t know…I’m just throwing this out there….but…….somehow telling me/us in private?????? In addition to that, she didn’t tell PC and I at the same time. I was standing next to PC when she finally told him later. I was lucky enough to hear/see it TWICE! Immediately after her telling PC, the much anticipated egg hunt began! With this new info fresh in my head, without a reasonable amount of time to digest this, I had to paint a smile on my face and participate in (or at least watch) this annual children’s activity. I know I didn’t HAVE to but one of my nephews wanted my help finding one with coins in it and come on… I couldn’t deny his request just because my heart was breaking. I knew I could cry later…
- Later became sooner. We learned this info in the middle of the party. The middle turned into the end for me. We left shortly after the hunt. Not only were my hot flashes making me miserable (very humid Texas day) but my throat and face were beginning to hurt from straining to hold in the tears and pure anger! I have been known to shed tears when I get really angry.
- And last but not least, the obvious…..My own IF. I don’t get a choice in this matter and she does…
So that sums up the beginning of my Easter Sunday. It has been a while since I have added a silver lining to one of my bitch-fest posts (I apologize for that) so I feel obligated to share this one due to the sheer pleasure I get from recognizing a silver lining after that emotional party. I will try to make this short…
From the party we drove to my dad’s. My dad and I haven’t always gotten along, to say the least. We don’t have what most people call a normal relationship. When we arrived I greeted everyone and then went out back to the “pit” where my dad was. He could tell I had been crying but didn’t say anything until he tried to pull away from our hug and I didn’t! He didn’t ask a single question. He knew I would share on my own terms, if at all. Apparently the reasons didn’t really matter to him, that could wait until after this hug, when I felt better. In fact, we never got around to discussing those reasons. Him and I have yet to have one conversation about my IF and I just didn’t think last night was the right time for either of us to start that process. My dad hasn’t comforted me like this since I was about 5 yrs old! Now, I am about 5′ 1″ and my dad is about 6’3″! A long embrace is usually uncomfortable, he’s obviously bending down and I’m trying to meet him halfway by standing on my tip toes. I didn’t notice the height difference this time, not even for a second. I finished crying with my face dug into his bbq scented shirt while he rested his head on mine. And If that wasn’t enough, He said the right things, WITHOUT an ounce of sarcasm. That is our “go to” reaction in awkward/uncomfortable/confusing situations. (usually border-lining on inappropriate). That was almost as meaningful to me as the hug itself! Somehow without using any words at all, he knew I just needed to cry for a minute. The only downside to this bonding moment was the fact that I realized immediately how he was acting like a “real” parent and that made me cry more. LOL Recently He has been slowly coming to terms with his mom’s early onset of Alzheimer’s. He now realizes she is not just having a “senior moment” or just tired. I think this has contributed to his increased parental efforts during this past year. I guess it’s my turn to not focus on the “reasons”. I am just grateful for his efforts.
Silver lining = Bonding moment with daddy.
Oh my sweet word, speaking of the devil!!! My dad just called to ask why I was upset yesterday! Unbelievable! We just spoke earlier when he called to let me know he broke down and called his sister to explain their mom’s condition. He wanted me to call my aunt and finish explaining things because he says he “lost it” while on the phone with her. Ok, now I’m getting worried about my dad! This is all so much NOT like him for millions of reasons. Why are these kinds of things happening to me so much lately. These weird, creepy, coincidental (if you see it that way, I call them signs/confirmations)…At this point I don;t even remember if I blogged about the numerous confirmations PC and I noticed while on vacation. If not, stay tuned for that. Okie dokie, well, if you’re still reading this, I thank you and I apologize for the excessive punctuations. Time for a hot bath and a good book. My brain is tired…
Much love, everyone, much love.