Here I sit in my living room, laptop in hand (or lap rather) and I am having one of those “can’t quite pinpoint how I’m feeling” moments. Tonight’s music selection is Metallica. Not a strange choice for me considering my broad range of interest in music. I have many things on my mind tonight. I will list them now…
- My mom’s health, mortality, over all life. I won’t go into all details but this woman has had one hec of a crazy life. Not enough happy memories to tell about and failing health. Thankfully she does not have a terminal illness in the most common sense. She has many ailments both mental and physical that will slowly, painfully and eventually claim her life. She recently asked me to begin drawing up Power of Attorney paperwork and such. Makes my mind wander a lot and just typing about it is bringing me to tears. I think about all of the sad events she has experienced in her life and in comparison how freaking amazing my life is!!!! Then the guilt sets in. I feel guilty for allowing IF to effect me the way it has. The emotions, the new outlook on life… I have so much to be thankful for! Then again, I am a fixer and I can’t fix this. I can’t “fix” her quality of life, her regrets, her dreams, her nightmares….I can’t. That makes me feel __________. (I’m currently trying to fill in that blank).
- Easter. I mentioned in my last blog PC’s family is having their Easter party. Now I hear in addition to bringing a food item (which is normal) they also want everyone to bring a dozen eggs for the kid’s Easter egg hunt. I will not be participating in this activity! I will not apologize for this either. I am not comfortable bringing YOUR children’s easter eggs for you! The “family egg hunt” is for momma’s (PC’s mom) benefit. I think it’s a fine idea. She will enjoy watching her grandkids hunt their Easter eggs this year. And why shouldn’t she? But Why do I have to help you provide these eggs???? Maybe I am over reacting here but I don’t give a darn anymore about over reacting! I just can’t seem to provide a reasonable explanation for my feelings about this. Why does it bother me soooooooooo much that they asked everyone to bring eggs? I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation but it feels like such a big deal to me. Then PC tells me this evening that he feels bad because the egg request doesn’t bother him at all. I explained to him that it’s ok for him to feel differently. I told him these are just my feelings, not laws from the good book! My feelings are not valid because they are “right” or even reasonable. I am not saying they are doing something wrong by asking this of us. That is the reason I haven’t raised hell with the whole family over this. Because to them this is a simple request, it’s a family function that the whole family is participating in. And I’m sure there are thousands of families that celebrate just like this. I don’t expect anyone to understand my personal feelings. I will find a polite way to inform them PC and I won’t have eggs with us but the potato salad is taken care of. Damn hormones!!!
- I also mentioned I will be combining my 2 lives, the IF and the normal me. I have decided to no longer keep this IF such a secret. I am no less important because of my circumstances. Facebook is a huge part in most people’s lives and if I didn’t have so much “out of town” family and friends I probably wouldn’t even have one. I posted one picture last week or so about IF. It wasn’t subtle at all but I haven’t mentioned IF again yet. Baby steps. I’m sure many were wondering if it is just a random picture I found on the net or if it refers to me. No one commented. I got many likes though, so I know some of my friends noticed the change in subject. I don’t usually post personal stuff. Most of my posts are random facts or song lyrics so I’m sure the change in content was noticed. Luckily I didn’t have to do any explaining….
- Yesterday I met with an old high school friend. She has 3 children and is pregnant with #4 right now. She wanted my opinions on a bible based curriculum I used to teach and wanted me to sort of assess her 4 almost 5 year old. I showed up supplies in hand! I was ready for the challenge. I needed to get an idea of his learning style, even though he is a little young for that kind of assessment. I brought several things with me. One bag was “teacher” stuff for me to use and the other bag was full of various things she could keep. That was a huge step for me. I quit teaching almost 2 years ago and haven’t given away one thing! (one corner of my bedroom is full of teacher stuff!!) I just hadn’t decided if I would teach again and didn’t want to part with any of it in case I could use it in the future. Use it for my next job or to home school my own child. Ugh, to home school my own child… yeah, that’s painful for me to say due to the latest decision to not ttc anymore. There’s my next problem. Why is that so painful? I decided to stop ttc! That was a choice we made. If it’s so painful why don’t we just change our decision. I wish it were that black and white. Gray is my new favorite color apparently.
I know, I started out this blog talking about not being able to pinpoint how I was feeling and here we are 900 words later. I hope most of this made sense. As usual if you have made it to the end of this blog, I thank you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a bowl of homemade matzoh ball soup waiting for me in the kitchen. I am very proud of this because I do not cook many kosher meals. My poppa would be so proud right now! Warm wishes for a liberating Passover filled with meaning, joy and renewal to all my Jewish family and friends!