Can’t we all be friends??





I have contemplated for a while, combining my 2 lives, the IF part of me and the rest of my normal self. I do not believe I could have done this before now, even if I wanted to. I think there is a grieving process that has to be experienced first. It’s not the same kind of “loss” as many women have sadly experienced but it is still a loss nonetheless. Maybe we need to grieve that loss before we commit to sharing our struggles with others. I needed to process the whole situation first. I have processed! I am ready  to take down some of this brick wall and admit to the world…


HOLY HELL, Did I just say that? Whew, feels good to put it down in writing. This may not be a permanent decision (although I feel it it is) but for now I am happy with it!  Part of the process was to really feel like I am still a woman without children. I am a part of this society, worthy, good enough. I am strong, capable, smart, BEAUTIFUL  and more. None of that has anything to do with my choice to have or not have kids. If I don’t believe those words myself, then I can’t convince anyone else of those words either. Our society suggests there is a big difference between mothers and non mothers. I just don’t see it that way. I think we are all pretty much in the same boat. We want the same things in life we just get those things in different ways. I do not identify myself as an infertile women. I am a woman. I am also infertile, but that does not define me, just as being a mother should not define others. If you are happy with your choice to have children, I am happy for you. Motherhood shouldn’t be your only reason for happiness. In my opinion, happiness should happen first! Then those little miracles just make you HAPPIER… And what about those poor poor women who ARE fertile and are so selfish they still don’t want children?? <—– Please, please see that sarcasm! Really, selfish? Why is she selfish? Maybe she hasn’t found the right partner, maybe she can’t afford kids. Maybe her dreams never included children…. Either way, she is still a woman and very capable of GREAT things in this world! Yes, it makes me sad to not have the ability to bear a child. That was certainly part of my process. I wouldn’t be so angry if it were my choice! (I have always had trouble with authority tho, don’t tell me what I can or can not do!!!) Why does the world want to turn us against each other. So many labels and rules and nonsense. While the mother  envies my “freedom”, I might envy her “unconditional love”. As hard as people may work to split us into groups, the fact remains that we are really all in this together. If it takes a village to a raise a child then it isn’t it safe to say that those who reproduce and those who don’t do NOT live in separate villages? We are, in fact, next-door neighbours.

Also, I have noticed recently just how ANTI SOCIAL I have become. I know most of us in this situation have experienced this part. How long is it supposed to last? PC’s family is planning an Easter party, egg hunting and all. I do not want to go!!!!! Not even for a second! I hardly feel bad about it too. I think PC does want to go and I’m fine with that. I just don’t want to join him. I can only blame part of this feeling on IF because PC and I will not be the only ones there without children. His sister’s BFF (whom i consider family) is not married and she has no children. I have no clue if this is by choice or circumstance. Another family friend whom we also consider family is a 30 year old gay man (looks like he is 21 yrs old!). He is also single and has no children. So we wouldn’t be completely alone. That should help, right? So why doesn’t it? None of that makes me feel like going. I feel guilty about this. Why don’t I want to be around these people? Has this IF changed me that much?? I don’t want it to change me. I used to be a pretty social person. Especially with this family. They are good people. Anyhow, I guess I will play it by ear and see how I feel as the date gets closer. So maybe I have felt anti social because of this processing I have been doing. Soul searching, if you will. So it has in fact changed me. All I can do now is embrace the change. As long as I am still kind to those around me, maybe change isn’t such a bad thing.

So I ask myself…. HOW?? How do I make this transition? Or combination? Or whatever you call it. How do I gracefully tell my friends/family I can’t have children and I’m ok with that!!???  It’s going to be tricky. I certainly don’t talk about it on facebook, where everyone seems to live these days. I also don’t want that pity I know is almost inevitable. I guess it’s not fair to expect my friends and family to just get over it immediately when it has taken me years to get to “this” point. (no where near “over it”). Am I ready for what might come? Can I handle the possible reactions to the IF? More importantly, can I handle the possible reactions to our decision to stop TTC??? I guess there is really only one way to find out.  The one feeling IF has left me with is this urge to fight! Not physically, although I would like to smack the crap out of several people these days. I mean, I feel like I have to be the voice. A voice. Not a singing voice anymore. I love to sing and will never stop but I mean a “voice”. I want to “fight” to be a part of today’s society. For every woman, with child or not, to feel accepted, appreciated and NEEDED! Society should not tell us “how” to be happy! Hmmm, another project to get started on.

Much love to all!

10 responses to “Can’t we all be friends??

  1. Ok, phew I feel like there is just so much “yes!” here lol. I have to say your moving forward is a loss, a loss of a dream, a future life and it changes what you probably thought the outcome of your reproductive story would be.

    I also have to agree so much with the thought that being a mother shouldn’t completely define someone. I would like to be a mother and obviously it will be a huge part of my life but I can agree when women say all I’ve ever wanted to be is a mother. Isn’t it sort of a bad idea to put all your eggs in one basket? <— totally my SIL, btw. Ok, sorry didn't mean to take over your post, I'll get off my soapbox now. Well said!

    • Thank you my friend! Hey, you go ahead and “soapbox” whenever you want. I was going to put the “all eggs in one basket” reference in this blog but decided not to. LOL! I agree there are women out there who dream of being a mom and that is a great dream. My dream of vacationing more than once a year and meeting new people all over the world is also great, just sayin’… Haha! ps, SIL??? I’m not familiar with that one… 🙂

      • Ha ha thanks. I’m having a lot of feelings today and apparently just want to get them out. Yeah, I have lots of dreams and they can mostly all coexist together, though some will take precedent over others. SIL – sister in law. Sorry I’m all about the acronyms now!

        • Oh ok, yes I have been using more acronyms lately myself. I am still getting used to the infertility ones used on these blogs. Most dreams can coexist, not all of course but most. I visited with my mom today for the first time in a while, so I can relate to the “having lots of feelings today”. Probably why I felt like blogging. We talked about my crazy sister but somehow most of my feelings these days apply to more than one subject. Just another thing I have recently realized…

            • Me too, I’m a chatterbox anyways though. Good luck with your mom tomorrow. Forgive me, I have a hard time keeping everyone’s personal stories straight…Is this going to be an interesting meeting for any specific reason?

            • Oh, no worries. I haven’t really discussed any of our treatment with her, the fact that we’ve had 3 failed cycles, or the fact that we’ll have to move onto ivf next. Or that we are currently trying to move out of country lol. I’m not exactly an open book.

            • Oh, wow, yeah that’s alot of not sharing going on. lol. Well it is absolutely your choice what to share with others and what not to share. I have limited this particular part of my life but otherwise I am usually an open book. I can imagine why keeping a few things from your mom might be more comfortable for you. I am my mother’s caretaker so I only share what I think she can “handle”, she’s a worry wart to say the least. I hope your meeting with her goes well! Sending good vibes your way…

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