I have contemplated for a while, combining my 2 lives, the IF part of me and the rest of my normal self. I do not believe I could have done this before now, even if I wanted to. I think there is a grieving process that has to be experienced first. It’s not the same kind of “loss” as many women have sadly experienced but it is still a loss nonetheless. Maybe we need to grieve that loss before we commit to sharing our struggles with others. I needed to process the whole situation first. I have processed! I am ready to take down some of this brick wall and admit to the world…
WE ARE NO LONGER TTC!!!!!.
HOLY HELL, Did I just say that? Whew, feels good to put it down in writing. This may not be a permanent decision (although I feel it it is) but for now I am happy with it! Part of the process was to really feel like I am still a woman without children. I am a part of this society, worthy, good enough. I am strong, capable, smart, BEAUTIFUL and more. None of that has anything to do with my choice to have or not have kids. If I don’t believe those words myself, then I can’t convince anyone else of those words either. Our society suggests there is a big difference between mothers and non mothers. I just don’t see it that way. I think we are all pretty much in the same boat. We want the same things in life we just get those things in different ways. I do not identify myself as an infertile women. I am a woman. I am also infertile, but that does not define me, just as being a mother should not define others. If you are happy with your choice to have children, I am happy for you. Motherhood shouldn’t be your only reason for happiness. In my opinion, happiness should happen first! Then those little miracles just make you HAPPIER… And what about those poor poor women who ARE fertile and are so selfish they still don’t want children?? <—– Please, please see that sarcasm! Really, selfish? Why is she selfish? Maybe she hasn’t found the right partner, maybe she can’t afford kids. Maybe her dreams never included children…. Either way, she is still a woman and very capable of GREAT things in this world! Yes, it makes me sad to not have the ability to bear a child. That was certainly part of my process. I wouldn’t be so angry if it were my choice! (I have always had trouble with authority tho, don’t tell me what I can or can not do!!!) Why does the world want to turn us against each other. So many labels and rules and nonsense. While the mother envies my “freedom”, I might envy her “unconditional love”. As hard as people may work to split us into groups, the fact remains that we are really all in this together. If it takes a village to a raise a child then it isn’t it safe to say that those who reproduce and those who don’t do NOT live in separate villages? We are, in fact, next-door neighbours.
Also, I have noticed recently just how ANTI SOCIAL I have become. I know most of us in this situation have experienced this part. How long is it supposed to last? PC’s family is planning an Easter party, egg hunting and all. I do not want to go!!!!! Not even for a second! I hardly feel bad about it too. I think PC does want to go and I’m fine with that. I just don’t want to join him. I can only blame part of this feeling on IF because PC and I will not be the only ones there without children. His sister’s BFF (whom i consider family) is not married and she has no children. I have no clue if this is by choice or circumstance. Another family friend whom we also consider family is a 30 year old gay man (looks like he is 21 yrs old!). He is also single and has no children. So we wouldn’t be completely alone. That should help, right? So why doesn’t it? None of that makes me feel like going. I feel guilty about this. Why don’t I want to be around these people? Has this IF changed me that much?? I don’t want it to change me. I used to be a pretty social person. Especially with this family. They are good people. Anyhow, I guess I will play it by ear and see how I feel as the date gets closer. So maybe I have felt anti social because of this processing I have been doing. Soul searching, if you will. So it has in fact changed me. All I can do now is embrace the change. As long as I am still kind to those around me, maybe change isn’t such a bad thing.
So I ask myself…. HOW?? How do I make this transition? Or combination? Or whatever you call it. How do I gracefully tell my friends/family I can’t have children and I’m ok with that!!??? It’s going to be tricky. I certainly don’t talk about it on facebook, where everyone seems to live these days. I also don’t want that pity I know is almost inevitable. I guess it’s not fair to expect my friends and family to just get over it immediately when it has taken me years to get to “this” point. (no where near “over it”). Am I ready for what might come? Can I handle the possible reactions to the IF? More importantly, can I handle the possible reactions to our decision to stop TTC??? I guess there is really only one way to find out. The one feeling IF has left me with is this urge to fight! Not physically, although I would like to smack the crap out of several people these days. I mean, I feel like I have to be the voice. A voice. Not a singing voice anymore. I love to sing and will never stop but I mean a “voice”. I want to “fight” to be a part of today’s society. For every woman, with child or not, to feel accepted, appreciated and NEEDED! Society should not tell us “how” to be happy! Hmmm, another project to get started on.
Much love to all!