These were my thoughts all day yesterday!!!
So yesterday my nephew was admitted to the hospital for appendicitis. By 3:45pm he was having surgery. He was a very brave little boy through out the whole process. He was pretty hungry by mid day but that was the only thing he really ever “complained” about all day. I was glad to be there for him and my sis in law. However…
This hospital is known for its labor and delivery ward. Ya know, the kind of hospital that plays music on the intercom every time a baby is born. My nephew is young so he was in the pediatric part of each department (ER, pre-op, post-op…etc). In recovery we were surrounded by young children who had just surgery. I believe my nephew’s surgery was the least “serious” of all of them at the time.
For the first time so far through this journey I didn’t feel angry about my infertility. I actually felt incompetent. I felt like I didn’t belong. I was surrounded by large belly bumps, worried parents, sick children and baby stuff EVERYWHERE! I was suddenly aware of my physical shortcomings. I am having a hard time putting my feelings into words right now, not that I’m usually good with words. I just felt like I didn’t belong at all! It was a weird feeling to say the least. I just sat there wondering if I should even be there. Then I would think “Why would I not be here just because I’m not a parent. That doesn’t even make sense. My childfree life has nothing to do with this little boy and his appendix”. I knew my thoughts were silly. I stayed anyways. I can only hope my family couldn’t tell I was struggling. I am sure it crossed their minds just because they are aware of my situation but I hope I didn’t give them any reason while I was there to worry about anything but the nephew. At one point while still in the ER my nephew started feeling “sideways” (as he put it) thanks to the pain meds. My sis in law then began to share her c-section experiences (she had a c-section with both of her boys). She was telling us about how the pain med she was on made her feel “sideways” too. That conversation lasted a while. Again, I was just thinking i will never have a “story” like that to tell. Ever. Ever. Maybe the finality of it all is hitting me. I have been leaning towards the decision to move on from this infertile journey and embrace my childfree life. I think I might be going through the grieving process now before I make this announcement to my friends and family. I want PC and I to be completely happy with this decision before we share. I will get there. And I am sure I will blog about this decision more in the future.
Bottom line…I’m glad my nephew is recovering well!!