I seem to make important decisions well when I am stressed. I think I wait until that stress level is at its peak to decide I have to do something about it. I need meaning in my life, direction, purpose. I have come to that point now and I think I have an answer!
My sister’s wedding is fast approaching. I do not remember at this time if I have mentioned her wedding before but it is a very stressful situation for me. Her and I do not get along to say the least. I have said this before, I do not feel comfortable airing other’s dirty laundry. I don’t mind airing my own but when the other person is unaware, I do not feel it is always the right thing to do. Although my sister is my one exception to this rule I will spare you all the details. The one fact that I will share is that she has found a way to jab me one last time, and this time the jab and pain will last for a while! She lives in a different town than I, we do not talk on the phone, we only communicate when my mother is involved or when her daughter is. (the most amazing niece in the WORLD!!!) Point is my sister decided to get remarried (3rd marriage) this year… She is getting married on my anniversary! That’s tacky even for her. Yes, PC and I have celebrated the same anniversary date for 18 years this year. We started dating, got engaged, got married and then got remarried all on this day. And now my sister is getting married on this day too. You should have heard the excuses she gave me for why it HAD to be this one day! It was originally scheduled for summertime. Not only that but after all the HELL she has put me through for so many years (in addition to the last incident about 2 years ago that caused me to cut her and many others out of my life) she asked me to OFFICIATE this wedding! Ha, she is fruitier (is that a word?) than I thought. Ok, not really, I knew she was this kind of crazy but no one else wants to believe it or gives a damn. Her actions have always been excused, forgiven and if you ask any psych they will tell you she has been encouraged and enabled! Matter of fact my therapist just gave me a book to read yesterday that is focused on helping family members deal with her kind of mental illness. Hopefully this book has some insight for me. Anyhow, I thought I would be ok with this situation. It’s not really the wedding date that is stressing me out. It’s hard to continually watch her pay ZERO consequences for her actions. The family (aware of all she has done and said all her life!!!) is supporting her in every way and attending this wedding. They are even contacting me to see if I can help with their hotel arrangements and such! It would be nice for some of my family ok how about JUST ONE OF THEM, to stand up for me, or in my corner at least, and say something. 2 years ago I told PC I wasn’t concerned about how the rest of the family handled the new information we had learned about her. I won’t be mad at them for sticking by her side as usual and I expected them not to be mad at me for deciding not to be a part of it anymore. For whatever reason that is not the case! They are mad at me for not going to the wedding and for not wanting anything to do with her ever again, and I am FURIOUS that no ones cares about the pain she has caused. Moving right along, This is the raised stress level that has caused me to take action in my life.
I have had my eye on the RESOLVE website for a couple of years now. I have even seen some of you guys mention this organization in your blogs. I don’t remember who and what was said tho. So what I have learned recently is that in my state there is no RESOLVE support group in my town. I sent an email to them tonight about volunteering and possibly starting a peer led support group in San Antonio. This is a very big city and I know there have to be hundreds of women who could benefit from a little local support. I am feeling very excited about this actually. This could be my new passion. I wish teaching wasn’t so painful for me, I would do that or something similar for the rest of my life! I had dreams of teaching parenting classes or maybe becoming a doula (the only thing that stopped the doula process was finances at the time). I have felt very strongly about educating young parents! I may still pursue one of those roads at some point but I don’t think now is the time to travel those. Helping others in this infertility journey would be very rewarding to me and I hope to hear from them soon. This decision is not based on my struggles with my family alone. It has little to do with them except maybe the urge to take my happiness back into my own hands. I do not know anyone in real life going through anything similar to my situation. I wonder how many women in my town are saying the same thing!! Hopefully I hear something soon. I will keep you guys updated.