To sit here crying or to sit here emotionless? Which one is more scary?
Facebook strikes again!!
I decide to get on facebook and play a few games to wind down and my newsfeed jumps out and slaps me in the face. PC’s little cousin (actually his cousin’s daughter, long story there…) is in labor! I am not sure how old she is exactly but I believe somewhere around 19 or 20 yrs old. Anyhow, She is another one of those countless girls who surprised us with a pregnancy announcement. Not only was it a surprise because she is young but also because last time she visited us she was “very gay” (in her words) and brought her girlfriend to meet the family! We didn’t even know she had broke up with her girlfriend when she “accidentally got pregnant” (again her words). I have had some time obviously to swallow this whole accidental thing, for me these are the more difficult announcements to handle. Ok, so back to the newsfeed/slap part. One of her friend’s just announced the baby has been born and now said friend is SAD BECAUSE SHE IS THE ONLY ONE PREGNANT NOW, ALL BY HERSELF! You poor little lonely bitch!
I am sure this should not bother me to the extent that it does but c’mon!! I know a lot of us have expressed our frustrations about the “kind” of mothers that make us more sad than others. I mean the ones who just don’t appreciate it, deserve it or even want it! This cousin falls into all of those categories! My heart hurts. I don’t believe in airing other people’s dirty laundry and, even if I did, it wouldn’t be productive for this purpose. I do feel comfortable saying this particular side of the family does not have a good “parenting track record” and have shown zero signs of improvement or breaking the cycle. Again, my heart hurts.
I ask myself sometimes why I even cry anymore. I mean it doesn’t change anything. It hardly makes me feel better. My face hurts. My eyes are bloodshot and swollen. It makes PC sad when I cry. So why is that such a natural reaction to these events. I want to be able to be happy for new parents again. I used to be the person everyone called almost first when they found out they were expecting. Not only because they knew I would be there for them but because they knew I would be excited for them! They asked for my advice (because of my experience I guess). I was usually the first to know, the first they call when they got scared during the pregnancy for whatever reason, one of the first to see ultrasounds, the one throwing the baby shower because I have thrown some bad ass showers and many times the one holding their hands during labor. Now I’m the one with the family/friends who get together to discuss how to break it to me. While I very much appreciate their delicate steps (for many reasons) it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart because I very much enjoyed helping my friends and family through their first pregnancy experience. I never claimed to be a doctor or an expert but they all knew that. I felt useful and needed. Who doesn’t enjoy that feeling? That’s one of the reasons I enjoyed teaching so much. Again, not an expert there either but I had the passion, patience and heart for it like no one else. And I was really good at it! I was the teacher that gave her cell number to her parents! Yes, my cell number. I can’t teach anymore. Not anytime soon anyways. I’m the surgeon who suffered an injury to the hand and now can not operate. Not only has my home life been affected but now I can’t do one of the only things I’m good at. I would love to go back to my last job but even if I could get past my sadness and teach, how could I face all the parents who know me so well and were waiting for me to finally have kids of my own. Some of those parents were even participants in my wedding shower at work. They have been waiting since 2003 for me to make an announcement. Well, I guess that is why I cry. All of that and then some. So again I wonder would I rather cry about it or feel no emotion at all? Although the answer is almost irrelevant on account the crying is many times involuntary. No matter which one I would prefer I have a feeling the crying will still be my “choice” but sometimes I wish my heart were a little more cold and I could just once…not feel it!