That was a bad decision!

As of Friday night I have decided not to take that nanny job after all and here the drop that filith my cup over! So, lesson of the week (ok, year)… Do NOT under any circumstance babysit a five month old overnight! Not even a family member. I can’t believe I even agreed to do it. And the sad part is, it wasn’t for any specific reason! I even offered! The parents had no plans and if that isn’t enough, I agreed to do this on Thursday night, over night. So PC came home from work on Valentine’s day to a baby in the house. Man when I screw up, I do it with all of my might and power.

I didn’t realize the effects it would have on me. I hadn’t had a baby in the house in so long and I just wanted a little “fix”. Get it out of my system. I absolutely enjoyed the whole visit. He was a happy happy baby. Smiling and laughing almost the entire time. I was even enjoying myself when he woke up from his nap screaming his head off. Turns out he was congested, teething and suddenly constipated. Not a happy camper any more. When his parents came to pick him up I gave them several suggestions for his constipation and his teething. Their opinions of those two were more than frustrating to me. They decided he was now a biter! Really?? He never once used his only tooth when gumming every thing in sight. I don’t believe I was able to convince them he wasn’t biting, he was teething. Ugh…

The real problem is that about 2 hours after they left I suddenly started bawling. I mean crazy-scary face, bending over as to not fall, heart hurting, sounding like an injured seal kind of sobbing. It has been a while since I have done that. I was actually kind of confused about this reaction because I have recently been feeling like I didn’t want to pursue this TTC journey. So why am I so traumatized after this night of babysitting? Why did I feel so broken? Like I am damaged goods. PC hates it when I say that but I can’t help but feel that way. I just want this nightmare to be over. I want to be normal again. I don’t want my family to have to ask me every time we talk “how are you doing?” I don’t want the pity or sympathy. BUT at the same time I love them all for it! I appreciate their love and concern Especially when my biological family couldn’t care less. They don’t really have the ability to show emotions of any kind. I often wonder how my life would be if I had never wanted kids, therefore never finding out I couldn’t have them. Obviously I would feel differently but it just doesn’t feel fair. Of course that brings up the anger I feel about the “non-qualified” parents all around me who accidentally got pregnant. So many emotions and feeling that I am just so tired of feeling. I have certainly realized that I have no choice here but to start going back to the endo. NOT a RE but just a regular ole endo. I am not happy with these pregnancy/menopause symptoms. the hot flashes have gotten so much worse. The mood swings are off the charts. I am sorry for complaining but I thank all of you for being my only support. Even if no one comments on my posts or “likes” them or even follows me, for whatever reason it is still comforting to know I am sharing my feelings with people who can truly say they understand.

2 responses to “That was a bad decision!

  1. awe girl I’m so sorry! I’m praying for your healing and peace. This journey isn’t easy but God will not forsake you. He is right there holding your hand.

    For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13

    • What a powerful comment! Thank you so much. I am trying so very hard not to lose faith during this journey. Although this was difficult I think it has helped ma make a few decisions. Silver lining… Virtual hugs your way!

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