Somebody, Anybody!

This weekend has not been the best weekend for me. I went to an urgent care facility for antibiotics to clear up what I thought might be tonsillitis. My glands behind my right ear were terribly swollen and there was a minor rash on top of the glands. I have never had tonsillitis without strep throat so I figured this might be what it felt like to just have one of them at a time. Nope, that’s not what it was. Are you ready for this?? Drum roll please…..THEY DON”T KNOW!  I have multiple health issues and ZERO explanations!  The Dr gave me antibiotics for an infection even tho we don’t know what caused this infection. My throat wasn’t irritated, neither were my tonsils and the strep test came back negative.  I can’t even get a minor infection and know why! This has to be a joke. The dr even suggested if the glands don’t go down in a couple of days it could be shingles. I was surprised she said that. I was under the impression that shingles were only a concern later in life. She explains that severe stress can cause this virus to appear at any age. Really? Severe stress? I thought the changes I have made in the past 2 years, including cutting my own family out of my life, were going to decrease my stress not make it worse. That was not an easy decision to make either, walking away from my family. I do love them even if I don’t like them. I realized none of them put in the same effort, time, love or concern into our relationship as I did. And never have or will. They take advantage, back stab, treat others like doggy doo and expect to be able to just sweep these things under the rug. Anyhow, Hard pill to swallow. So are you telling me even tho I cut these people out of my life, I am still going to suffer??? This is more stress than I had when I allowed them to step all over me.

So I have spent the last three days taking this medicine. This morning the pain is beginning to subside  and then my phone rings. It is one of my sister-in-laws. She was just calling to tell me she is pregnant. Wow. Not only is this “wow” because of the obvious reasons. This is much more upsetting than that. I am not this angry/hurt/sad… when my co-worker and her husband (happily married 12 yrs, financially stable, probably going to be great parents) announce their pregnancy. I am angry/hurt/sad… that one of my sis in-laws is!  What makes these two situations so different? Where do I start? This sis-in-law already has three children, 2 of which (NEITHER ONE 21 YRS OLD YET) have infants of their own, making her a grandmother already, she is not married, DIDN’T WANT ANY MORE KIDS (this was an accident so they say), is far from being financially stable, her baby’s daddy has FOUR children from a previous marriage, and her parenting skills have been questionable since she gave birth to her first child! My heart is hurting, physically hurting. On the one hand I feel bad for her, sympathetic really  because she took the time to call me in person so I didn’t find out on facebook. Even tho I was sad, that was more than my blood family would have EVER done for me! Consider my feeling before their own? Yeah right! And She sounded very concerned about my reaction! I was very calm on the phone. I thanked her for calling me and telling me herself. Then I hung up and sobbed! Now on that other hand people always talk about…WHAT???? Is this real? It makes me angry. but who exactly am I mad at right now?? Her? Myself? GOD? The doctors who can’t help me? I’m not sure if it’s one of those or a little of all. Of course I am guilty of thinking “Why her? She doesn’t deserve another baby, she can’t even take care of the ones she already has! Why not me?” I’m not proud of that but it’s true. I see so many women who in my opinion do not deserve the right to be a parent and it’s worse when these women are family! Unfortunately for me there have been SEVERAL family members announcing pregnancy beginning right after my diagnosis of infertility.

I usually end most of my blogs with some sort of lesson I believe I  have learned. I can’t seem to come up with one this time. This was another blog just for venting. If you have made it to this part, I sincerely thank you. Virtual hugs to all of you going through the same thing!