New Years is usually a time for reflection. I am choosing not to do that this year. I know how crappy 2013 was I don’t need to remember it. What I have noticed tho is how anti social I feel lately. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not asking why I am feeling this way. I don’t know ANYONE personally going thru the same thing, or something similar even, PC and I are going thru. This makes every single interaction with family/friends filled with anxiety! Soooo, how to proceed? How do we enjoy our dink/dinky lives without becoming completely anti-social???
It seems as tho all of my usual struggles have been amplified in the last 2 years, which is when this whole TTC thing started. I’m no doctor but I know there is a connection here. I wish I could say my health only crosses my mind on occasion but that is not the truth. It’s always on my mind. I can’t count how many times I am around others while secretly holding back tears and possibly a hysterical outburst. Which is why I haven’t spent a lot of time with any particular person in the last 6 months or so. My family and friends are completely unaware of this blog! I have told no one but PC (my hubby). Actually I have told a few people I started a blog but gave no more info than that. I even went as far as to create a separate facebook account. I only requested a handful of my “real” friends on the 2nd account and all but one of them accepted without even asking who I was. I think I created this account because I desperately needed a place to express myself. I don’t want everyone in my life looking at me as “that poor girl who can’t have kids”. I do NOT need a pity party from anyone! I have family members that would literally stop breathing without the constant sympathy from others! So sad but not my style. Maybe this 2nd fb account also allows me to keep this “damaged” part of me separate from the “real me”. Maybe that makes me a coward. I’m not sure. I have considered just blurting out what’s been going on with me on my original fb but I am scared of the aftermath. I am a very opinionated person. Shy is not an adjective anyone would use to describe me. However, I share opinions…not feelings, emotions, anger or other’s dirty laundry. So do I combine these two parts of my life once and for all? Maybe it would help me become more social if I felt like everything was already on the table. Nothing to be uncomfortable about right?
I wonder how many other reproductively challenged women out there feel the same. Am I the only one who feels the need to keep this part of my life separate from the rest of my life? I doubt it. My goal this year is to decide whether or not to combine the 2 worlds. Another goal is to fill my life (our lives) with random happiness. Anniversary trip this year, maybe piano lessons, get further into my ebook journey… We will have to see. So I won’t be reflecting on the past year. I will focus on enjoying this one! happy New Year to all.