Pregnant for years???

This is probably going to be another TMI (too much info) kinda blog. Ever heard the phrase “Sh*t or get off the pot”? If mother nature received email, that would be my subject line to her!!  I feel like “I have been pregnant for years!” Yes I know, that sounds ridiculous so let me explain.  My diagnosis has gone from possible cancer in the beginning (turned out not to be the case) to PCOS to endometriosis and so on.  I may not know what is wrong yet but I know how it feels!

A) For about 7 years straight I vomited EVERY morning before work! I had to get up earlier than usual to give myself enough time to brush my teeth 2 or 3 times instead of just once. I would brush then get sick, so I brush again, then get sick again. I just kept brushing until there was nothing left to give. I do not mean to insinuate that this sickness only happened in the mornings. Mostly mornings but the rest of the day was NOT immune to the problem. My poor hubby. I can’t tell you how many times we went out for a nice evening but had to rush home right after dinner because mine “wasn’t settling well”. Unfortunately I can say I DO know what “morning sickness” is like.

B) Then there is the bloating. Nuf said.

C) Oh and the cravings! Random cravings like peanut butter. I have told  people for years that I’m allergic to peanut butter because all my adult life it has made me horribly ill with a complimentary migraine. Why does it sound so good lately? Ugh, ok so maybe it isn’t all bloating after all. :/

D) The mood swings aren’t fun either. In the past I was diagnosed with bi polar. Yay me!!! This is yet ANOTHER diagnosis that my current doctor isn’t so sure about anymore. So not only am I dealing with constant hormonal changes but they might be manic or depressive episodes on top of that? Kidding right? Nope. I wish I were. I am slowly trying to get answers but that takes time. Meanwhile I am left racing for the TV remote when Sarah Mclachlan and her dad-gum SPCA commercials come on late at night when I can’t sleep. Those poor animals, and have you ever really listened to the lyrics of that song??? If not, forget I mentioned it!! Seriously!

I’m probably skipping a “symptom” or 2 but let’s move right on to the physical pain, shall we??? I will not ever claim I know what child-birth feels like. I will however, tell you how freakin’ aggravating it is to feel the kind of pain I do every month (off and on for 2 weeks or so) and get NOTHING out of it! Sounds crazy but geez, at least pregnant women can psych themselves thru the pain by reminding themselves of the gift they will receive when it’s all over. Me? Nopers! I feel like there is a very DULL ice pick inside my tummy slashing me from the belly button down to the south freakin pole! Each cramp will gradually gain in intensity until it peaks, then it slowly subsides and goes away. As if nothing ever happened. Sneaky little smurf!!  And if that’s not enough, mother nature throws in the lower back pain. I swear it’s on the verge of crumbling into a million pieces at any given time. Want me to sweeten the pot? I also have scoliosis (approx 40%), spina bifida occulta and a bulging disk (between L4 and L5 I believe) WTH?? Moving on. What about the blood work, did I mention I HATE needles? The sonograms without a heartbeat. The internal sonograms (not as physically painful as emotionally). The meds, side effects…

Now here is where I mention the “other” pains I have felt for several years now. 1) The heart wrenching “congrats” you muster up for yet another pregnancy announcement!!! The agony of knowing some of these women I am congratulating didn’t plan these pregnancies, they were accidents! What? Accidents? Not to mention, MORE than one of these preggos… I USED TO CHANGE THEIR FRIGGIN DIAPERS!!! I am close to these women, I love them dearly. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I wish it did. 2) Turning on the tv/radio  to hear about children getting hurt/killed DAILY. Sometimes by their own parents. The news is not allowed in my house and it may never be allowed again. That is pain. 3) All of the “reserved for preggos/with child” parking spots. Ok, not the same kind of pain as the first 2 but still makes my tummy hurt so it counts.  4) Not wanting to share your feelings or thoughts or negativity with family and friends. I don’t think I have one adult friend who doesn’t have a child/ren. My point? Birthday parties, holidays, school programs and such year round! And don’t even get me started on Christmas! My hubby and I are buying for a minimum of 13 kiddos this  Christmas, AND THAT’S JUST CLOSE FAMILY! That doesn’t include our distant relatives, my students (when I was teaching) and all of our friend’s kids. By the time we are finished buying for the kids we can hardly afford to buy gifts for any of the adults or for each other! Maybe I am selfish in complaining about this part. I won’t stop buying for the children! Totally not what I’m saying, my point is, this hurts too. 5) The sudden sympathetic phone call from a loved one when they hear of another pregnancy and know I might be sad. Thanks but the call doesn’t make me less sad. It just reminds me that everyone knows I’m sad. Not fun. 6) Baby showers. Doubt I need to elaborate on this one. 7) The sadness in my hubbies eyes when he holds our newborn great nephews in his arms. Yes I said great nephews, great=we are too old for this (and they are too young to be parents) and nephewS=plural! He doesn’t confide in me much regarding this topic but after 18 yrs, I know when he is sad. 8) Knowing he won’t cry because he knows that seeing a grown man cry is devastating to me. (especially one I love).

So I could probably go on and on about this subject. I’m not too sure what the lesson here should be. I don’t think I am the only woman who has felt this way. All of this “pain” makes me wonder. If it hurts this bad before pregnancy, how would it feel during and after a pregnancy. I’m no spring chicken anymore. I guess I’m at the point where I just wanna get “off the pot” already. I don’t wanna be pregnant any longer.

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